Craigslist Frenzy

Last week I responded to a craigs ad seeking a date for a Nuggets bball game. I love sporting events so I responded and the guy chose me. He wasn't hot, just cute enough but an all-around good guy.

We were at a bar near the stadium eating when he gets a text from his friend who is also coming to the game. The friend tells us that his date is outside of the bar and gonna meet us first. So she comes in and tells us that she met the friend on craigslist too.

So here we are, two girl who met two guys off of craigslist. Then sure enough when we ask the guys how they know each other, they tell us they met off craigslist too.

Four people all connected through craigslist. Love it.

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Meeting the Parents on date 2?

So I love the holidays, not so much for the obvious gift giving and receiving but moreso for the parties.

I responded to a craigslist ad seeking a date for the company party. Chazz replied. Blond and hot... I don't need more than that.

We bantered a bit back and forth and met for drinks the night before the party. I don't want to count it as a date, but he did pay.

So we chatted, had a good time and agreed that it would be fun to go to this holiday party together.

The next night, he picks me up and off we go.

So he's introducing me to everyone and at one point I coulda swarn he said "mom" to someone. It didn't quite register as I might have been on my third glass of wine, but as the night went on more and more people would kinda be talking about his parents.

I finally ask Chazz if his parents were at the party. He said, "yeah I already introduced you to them." I thought he was kidding, so I asked him to point them out.

He pointed to his father first... the man with whom I had an extensive discussion of whiskey. Then finally his mom, who thankfully I had complimented when I first met her. She was wearing great jewelry.

I'm in shock by this, but my guess is they're just a totally cool family. I don't know if Chazz and I hit it off, but I would jump into his bed in a heartbeat if he wanted.

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Two Terrible Dates

Thankfully it's quite rare that I have a terrible date or dating experience, but in the last week alone I've had two.

I'll start with the one that required this picture of the lips. My last craigslist post was about 2 months ago and PediGuy responded. We texted off and on repeatedly but he'd never follow through with plans. I concluded he enjoyed playing games, and i'd play along at my convenience. I call him PediGuy because he enjoyed getting pedicures.

When I returned from thanksgiving vacation, I texted PediGuy that I planned to get a pedicure that evening and he was welcome to join. Low and behold he actually did. He was very... unattractive. So I just went along for the friendly pedicure companionship. Conversation was great, then we went to chipotle for dinner and then got a glass of wine. After wine, he went in for the kiss with PUCKERED lips. It was gross and I turned my head. We got into his car to get me home and he tried again!

This time I pulled away and said I don't kiss on the first date. I texted him once I got home that I got the friend vibe and hope we can be friends. I don't ever expect to hear from him again.

The second terrible date was last night. I went out with a very cute guy who complimented me the whole night on my looks. We went to a pool hall to get drinks and he got up and told me he'd be back in 2 minutes. I figured he went outside to smoke a cigarette since I asked him not to while I was around. About 10-15 minutes go by and he's still not back. I sent him a text and no response. I got up and left, thinking I'd see him outside. Nope.

This has never happened to me before, and I can't think of a single thing that was said or done to cause him to leave other than asking him not to smoke around me.

On the plus side I did have an awesome date with a guy close to my age. He was very cute and we had a lot in common. Mostly we love the same movies/music and love to drink. He owns a couple liquor stores and used to work for a winery!

Is it sad that I get this excited about alcohol?

I'm sure I'll have more to report about him in the near future. In the meantime, I'm going out with AccountExec tonight...

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thanksgiving

I went home to Boston for Thanksgiving. I was looking forward to it for lazy days, friends and enjoying the city... but I was also nervous about seeing RedSox, going to my high school reunion and inter-acting with the aunt I hate.

It's been almost 6 months since we've seen each other. RedSox and I have spoken sporadically through text and facebook, but that's about it. He asked to hang out so we went to lunch on wednesday. It was like old times. He's super sweet and wonderful. He's lost a lot of weight, too!

I told him I missed him, but I think I may have mis-spoken. I missed "us," but I'm still not sure if we are meant to be.

I've been going to therapy. I've been working on myself. Not much has changed in behavior, but a lot has changed in my way of thinking. Baby steps people.

RedSox has lost weight... and that's about it.

He definitely wants to get back together when I return to Boston in June, but I'm worried that we'll fall right back into old ways.

Then there was my 10 year high school reunion. I didn't have the greatest high school experience, but I certainly didn't have the worst. So I am genuinely happy to see people whether I liked them or not, and I want to know that they're doing well. And of course... Michigan came.

I cannot describe the love, the lust, the dreams and wishes I had for Michigan. I have loved him since the 4th grade. He was everything I wanted in a guy, but he never liked me. I saw him at the reunion and melted. He still looks amazing.

I finally had the courage to say hi. I was hoping we'd chat for a bit and catch up like friends but he seemed uninterested in chatting. He also told me he got married in January...

My best friend says we'll hook up with each other at the 20 year reunion when we realize we hate our spouses... I secretly hope that's true.

As for thanksgiving, well I have a lot to be thankful for. Great career, healthy family, fabulous friends. The aunt I don't like... she had a UTI and left all of us alone.

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When it's officially over...

So I had told you a few posts ago that Southie fell off the face of the Earth. That's not exactly true. He just pulled back big time.

Instead of letting it go, I pushed him for an explanation. All he would give me is a text saying "i need to figure shit out." I assumed there was baby mama drama, but I stupidly told him I'd wait.

We ran into each other at football sunday at the usual spot after 2 weeks of not seeing each other. He came over, bought my drinks, hit on me, everything. I wasn't having it. I had been so upset with his sudden change of attitude, but I was able to get over it and moved forward.

He told me that Sunday he would take me out to dinner that week and make things up to me. I told him I'd believe him when it happened. No surprise. It didn't happen.

Now the problem with letting him go completely right then and there was that we both LOVE the Patriots. He was definitely someone I could text during games and party with at the bars on football Sunday.

But the reality is that he's just not that into me... anymore.

So last night I texted him that I was leaving for the holidays. I accept that we're done. I hope we can still be friendly should we run into each other.

He texted back that he still thinks we should hang out. I told him that I don't want that... especially since he won't tell me exactly what happened.

He didn't tell me why he pulled away. So now, we're officially over.

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Soft... again

AccountExec and I continue to see each other. Last week we went out for a nice dinner, but work has been exhausting and I was too tired to hook up.

I felt badly, but promptly made plans to head up to Boulder again. We went out for a great dinner at The Flagstaff. Sadly the winter storm obscured our view of Boulder below. Nonetheless, excellent meal and wine.

Afterwards we went back to his place, popped in a movie and started hooking up. He put on a condom, entered me and then promptly went soft.

A few posts ago he assured me it wasn't me. I chose to believe him. This time, I still don't think it's me. In fact, I knew all along that it was him. Though I didn't know why.

The following morning after we both shower and get ready for brunch he sits me down and tells me that it's psychological. His ex-girlfriend keeps calling him and telling him she's depressed and blah blah blah. It clearly was a serious relationship and he is trying to move on.

I wish I could say I understood what he is going through, but I've never been in love. I'm starting to think it's a good thing.

AccountExec wants to continue dating. And I think it's a good idea. Afterall... later that morning he bought me some very nice jewelry...

xoxo (Sorry I just started watching season 1 of Gossip Girl)

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My Place or Yours

Last night my building had a Broncos/Steelers party for all of the residents. I went with one of my girlfriends and we were having a great time meeting new residents when the Author showed up. He rarely shows up to these social events, so I'm certain he read my facebook status.

He said he was gonna have one beer and then go back to work. When you drink around me, you will most certainly be drinking more. A few beers later, some of us stopped watching the game and were hanging around chatting. Eventually we called it a night and I went back to my place assuming Author was heading back to work.

The texting begins, and he asks why I've never invited him into my place.

Now this is a topic that is a little touchy for me. I view my apartment as the place where I rest my head... and only that. I have never made the effort, nor spent the money to make my place feel like home.

In other words... I'm kinda embarrassed about my living spaces and having people over invokes intense anxiety.

For my place in Colorado, I did put a little bit of effort into it... like 2 weeks ago. And I'm very glad I did because I wasn't as embarrassed to allow Author into my place... and into my bed.

I realize more and more that I really need to start living like an adult. I hope when i find my place in Boston next year that I decorate it properly, and truly host people in my HOME.

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Running Into People

Well Southie has pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Ok... he put me after the Yankees. I totally accepted coming second to his son, but I never in a million years thought I would come third to the Yankees.

It upset me for a good bit. I wrote about it a couple posts ago. I didn't tell you I cried, but I'll admit it. I really liked him. But once again, not enough time to get to open up. Oh well.

Moving on...

I went back on craigslist. My go-to site had a plethora of men from whom to choose. I opted for the engineer from upstate New York. He was totally cute and really fun. We went out two nights in a row. If he was here in Denver, we'd prolly be officially dating.

Anyway... he and I ended up back at the bar in my building. It's a great place where half the patrons live in my building. Low and behold... who is there... Author.

I panicked for a moment when I realized my date was standing next to Author at the bar. I check my cell phone and there are a few missed texts, including one from Author asking what I'm doing. When my date came back with the drinks I told him "my neighbor is here. We should invite him over. By the way, our story is that we went to undergrad together."

Author came over with a couple of his friends. We all had fun chatting away. Author did eventually ask how we knew each other, to which I promptly replied "engineers together!" and quickly changed the subject.

Did he believe me? Honestly, who cares... we're only FWBs

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Panic Attack!

AccountExec asked me last week if I was interested in having sex with him. I told him "of course!" but that I was unsure if he wanted to sleep with me. Up until last week, AccountExec had taken me out several times. He paid for everything. Hell, he bought me $200 boots.

But never once did he make a move or seem interested when I made a move. Yes, I went in for kisses at the ends of date nights and got the slightly turned cheek. It was awkward, annoying, confusing... but why would a guy take me out often and pay for everything and NOT be interested?

So last week when he brought up sex, I was thrown completely off guard and told him I wasn't ready that night but I would be next time.

He promptly made plans for me to go to Boulder where he lives. He picked me up yesterday, took me to a nice Italian restaurant and then back to his place.

We popped in a movie, got cozy on the futon and then of course started making out and taking off clothes. Everything was going well until he put the condom on... and went soft.

He apologized, but we continued making out and going along with foreplay. He got hard, put a condom on and entered me... and went soft.

He apologized, and I suggested that since we're well oiled with booze that maybe we should try again in the morning. Come morning, he starts massaging my back. Things heat up. He gets a condom on... and goes soft.

Last night I though it was alcohol. This morning, I'm thinking it's me. He starts profusely apologizing. He assures me it's not me.

He tells me that it's because it's the first time with me and he is having panic attacks.

I tell him it's ok... I had to do this because on the inside I was dying of laughter. I have never had a guy tell me he gets panic attacks during sex.

Well after breakfast, and plenty of Boulder sites, he asked me if I would see him again. He assured me that it will get better and I should look at this as one of the funny moments in our relationship. And of course i will...

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Second Place is first loser

One of my coworkers told me about meeting his wife. He said "you know... you kinda date the same person over and over again until one is tweaked just enough to be the one." Someone else told me that all women eventually marry their fathers.

I'm realizing that I've been dating my father over and over again, and I'm not sure the men are progressively tweaking towards becoming the one.

Almost all the men I date are leaders. CEOs, presidents, executive VPs, etc. Almost all of them put me second.

I came to this realization after I was upset earlier this week that I hadn't heard from Southie. He typically calls or texts daily and makes plans to hang out. Sunday I texted to apologize for my drunken saturday night texts. Didn't hear from him.

I texted that night. Didn't hear from him. Not a peep all day Monday. Monday night, I called. I NEVER call a man. He didn't pick up. So I finally texted and asked if he was upset with me. I know it's typically the kiss of death, but he eventually replied telling me "not at all." We had a brief text convo and he told me he'd call me tuesday.

It's now wednesday night and I finally get a text in response to one of my funny facebook messages.

I realized early on that I'd always be second to Southie's son, but he never made me feel that way. I was actually falling for him. What I'm realizing now is that I might be third... or some other number thereafter... or not anything at all anymore.

I hate the way this makes me feel, and I know it's a major reason I date the way I do and don't care for men the way I want to. It hurts too much. And thus I regress to former behavior.

As said in one of many great Pearl Jam songs, "I change by not changing at all"

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I might be in Three relationships

So I have yet to tell you about AccountExec. I wanted to before, but I was afraid of jinxing things.

AccountExec is my sugar daddy. Yup! I finally have one and he's great! He's cute. He can hold decent conversation. He takes me out to great restaurants. He bought me $200 juicy couture winter boots... I look super cute.

Now AccountExec and I had talked everything through when we met a month ago, and *this* was going to be a standard SD/SB relationship with NSA, seeing each other a couple of times a month.

again it was going to be...

AccountExec likes to see me more often than not. He plans ahead for dates and checks in sporadically in between seeing each other. He calls me sweetie via email. He has definitely fallen for me.

It's probably my fault. We haven't had sex yet.

Though I enjoying hanging out with him, I don't think we're compatible relationship-wise. But of course with my bubbly nature, smiles and flirtatious tendencies, I have successfully seduced him... accidentally.

Speaking of the Art of Seduction, the Author is currently reading that book to help him with book sales. It was fun to read excerpts together the other day as we lounged around in our PJs bantering back and forth before tearing off each other's clothes. The Author may be getting closer, but still keeping his distance.

Southie, however, is not keeping any sort of distance. He wants to hang out all the time. He'll call me on a rainy day to tell me he's gonna drive me to work. He takes care of me. He tells his friends about me. He's the first guy I've ever dated that I look at think "damn he is HOT!"

I love all three of my men for various reasons... here's to hoping I can keep all three in check.

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Relationship Therapy

I finally made an appointment with a therapist and went to see her for the first time today. I really like her. Right away I knew she was a kind soul, and as the session went on I felt she was appropriately starting and stopping me to pinpoint things I said.

I cried a lot in my session today. I don't think I've ever cried so much. I cried about work and how I'm frustrated that I have to do a year of internal medicine when I'm going for radiology. I cried about how one of my attendings could clearly sense my unhappiness and wrote it in my quarterly review. I cried because I lied to my advisor and told her I am TOTALLY interested in internal medicine.

I cried about my relationships with men... and boasted about them at the same time. I told her I've never had an orgasm with a guy but I am the master faker and no one has ever questioned it. I cried because I want to connect with someone, but I'm holding myself back due to the love of attention that many men give me.

I cried because it's ALL my parents fault. I'm in medicine because of them. I have relationship problems because of them. I love them very much, and I hate them at the same time.

My therapist pointed out that I'm a very all or nothing person. If something goes wrong, I tend to write the situation or person off completely. If something goes well, then it's the gold standard.

My homework assignment: I say things are good or bad when I should be saying they're effective or ineffective. I'm gonna try and work on that. I think my tendencies towards absolution of ALL good or ALL bad have prevented me from changing because I'm afraid of losing good things or taking on bad things.

Now I know one of my commenters on my "I don't think people like me" post asked me about my girlfriends. I love my girlfriends. I don't open up to them as much as I'd like because I'm afraid of judgement or discouragement (because sadly it has happened in the past).

And remember when I said if something goes wrong I write it off completely. Well when I vented to my girlfriends in the past, some of them responded with words I didn't think were appropriate. So I don't vent anymore because I don't think I'll get the support I need.

Maybe I'll try again, but I think that homework assignment is further down the road.

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Drunk Dialing Me

Within the past month, two of my past lovers have drunk dialed me or drunk texted me... which led to very lengthy one-sided (their side) conversations.

The first was LegalSeafoods. I broke up with him 4 years ago... FOUR YEARS! and at least once per year he drunk texts/calls to tell me he is sorry. He screwed up. He misses me. He wishes things were different. yada yada yada.

I listen. I thank him. I say goodbye.

Saturday night was OleMiss. Now it's a rarity to get drunken calls from OleMiss. Usually he rambles on about life. But this time he brought up "us." He asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like if we were in the same city. I told him there was a time that I did.

And there was. There was a time I wondered, recently... as recent as applying for residency. I wondered what would happen if I matched in NYC. I knew the job would be miserable, but I thought that maybe... just maybe it would be the boost that OleMiss and I needed to truly get to know each other and find out if we were meant to be.

He told me over the phone in his drunken state that he's pretty sure we're not meant to be. After all this time, it's clearly not in the cards for us. I know it's true. I just never admitted it. But yeah, we'll always be great friends. While single, we'll be great FWBs... but yeah.

We will never be. Though I'm certain he'll keep drunk dialing me.

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i don't think people like me

here me out

I'm super social and outgoing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE people. I'm good at patient care because I love my patients. I hate the medicine, but I love spending time with them. I also love spending time with my friends... but I have incredible anxiety about it.

I never really revealed that to anyone before.

I'm really good at superficial relationships, almost too good. But in depth... not so much. And while I think I get away with it, I'm fairly certain I don't. I don't get invited to anything that involves depth: book clubs, intimate lunches, small gatherings. I do get invited to superficial events: massive parties, house-warmings, baby showers, open bars...

It's something I've struggled with my entire life. I'm very good at hiding the hurt because the big parties come quite often, but once in a while when I'm home alone and I just wanna go out... and I don't have anyone to call...

Well yeah... it sucks.

I called my doctor the other day to ask for help with this and she gave me a number to call. I just called... they're closed until monday. That's 3 days of emptiness.

sux

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Talk Dirty to Me

Southie likes it when I talk dirty. It's fun and I've done it several times before, but there's a kicker here.

Southie likes it when I tell him about sex with other men.

Last night during sex, I told him about the first time the Author and I hooked up.

He was so turned on, it was kinda weird... but in a good way. I very much enjoyed my first time with the Author.

I'm happy there's someone else who can appreciate that.

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Sexy Meals

Yesterday the Author took me out for lunch, and then we had sex.

Yesterday Southie picked me up for an early dinner. He cooked, and then we had sex.

Two men in one day, not bad... not bad at all.

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Single Parents

Have you ever dated a guy or girl with a kid?

Southie has a 2 year-old. I think his son is great, but kids seem to hamper situations.

I like to go out... a lot. Southie is able to make it out quite a bit but once in a while he can't because of his son.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great because it means Southie is a wonderful father, but I never imagined dating situations to be like this.

Kind of like I'm second.

I like Southie a lot, but I am not accustomed to second place.

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Whirlwind Update

So sorry to have kept you all out of the loop. It's been a crazy month on the wards with long hours and patients who just aren't leaving the hospital.

And on top of that I've been dating like crazy and going nuts about football season, and overall just not getting to the computer.

So my date with the German Daddy was less than stellar. He knew more about food and wine than me and told me about all these great places he'd take me. Of course I made the mistake of sleeping with him that night and haven't heard from him since.

But I did meet Southie. I call him that because he has a straight-up Boston accent like no other. He's been in colorado for 13 years and he'll never get rid of it. I kind of enjoy it. Reminds me of home. Southie treats me like a queen. He took me a concert at red rocks and always texts and calls and wants to hang out. Tonight he's cooking me dinner and I'll get to catch up on True Blood!

The pornstar is officially out of the picture. He would get emotional over texts and tell me that he's falling in love with me. Then when it would come time to meet, he'd cancel last minute. I'm not a dumb chick, I dropped him like it's hot.

Blondie is around, but I've kinda been avoiding him. He's a cutie, but it's just such a pain to get together and frankly the fargo accent was getting to me.

And of course the Author... After work on Sunday I went straight to the bars to watch football. 6 hours later, I admit I wasn't sober. I texted him for a booty call and he couldn't because he had deadlines to meet. I may have snipped a rude text back... ok i totally did because he sent me an email later that night hoping i wasn't upset but his work is very important to him. I apologized and haven't heard from him all week.

Who will come, who will go? I dunno, but I'll keep you posted.

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Taking a break

Yesterday my horoscope told me to relax and rest in the afternoon/evening... to take a break because life has been overwhelming. Did I listen? of course not.

Yesterday was my day off and the Taste of Colorado was going on. I wanted to go, but of course all my friends or co-workers were working. I should have strolled through the event by myself or just relaxed at home. But of course I posted on craigslist.

I met a hottie and of course have a few men on the back-burner, but today I really started to feel the exhaustion. I am beat. I had to work, then I played in a softball game... and the headache that began earlier in the day got worse.

Blondie wanted to hang out but I canceled on him. I just needed a break. So I popped in some 30 Rock thanks to Netflix and took... a... break.

I am feeling much better, which is good... because tomorrow the German Daddy is taking me out for a nice dinner.

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Exhausting

I started my first inpatient ward rotation last week. I gotta say it's just about as hectic as the intensive care unit. The difference? People really aren't that sick, and I feel like a baby-sitter... a very expensive baby-sitter.

The cases are not fulfilling, and the workload eats up a lot of my time and energy. But then again, so do the myriad of men in my life.

Which is what you're all really dying to know about.

I told the Insomniac that I'd get back to him when my time cleared up... i know i know... I pulled the doctor card. It's just such a fantastic card though!

Blondie came with me to a model casting call. He even walked the runway since they needed men. I'll be kinda upset if he gets the gig and I don't. But we finally had sex and it was sloppy and drunk. I'm sure we'll try again this weekend.

The Author and I have finally settled into an agreeable arrangement. At least emotionally agreeable for me. We have great sex once in a while and we also hang out as great friends. It works.

Did I ever mention the Pornstar? I don't think so... I'll have to give him his own post, assuming he and I ever meet.

Then there's the German Daddy... will he be a sugar daddy? will he become a boyfriend? I have no idea how this one is gonna turn out, but he's hot and blond and very well-off... let's find out if he's well-endowed too.

And that brings me to the title of this post. Doctoring and dating at the same time is exhausting... but I don't think I could function any other way.

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Insomniac Advice needed

So the Insomniac would like to take me out to dinner again.

How do I politely decline?

Any advice on words that have worked for you?

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Not welcomed in Miami

So i hadn't told you guys too much about my internet dating, but I did join a sugar daddy website. I won't hold anything back. It is a fantasy of mine to be a trophy. The problem I have is that most men find my education to be rather intimidating.

I'll never understand why since most men complain that they want a good-looking woman with whom they can discuss almost any topic. Though I think that is simply their fantasy as well.

And how often does the fantasy become a reality?

My guess is next to never. 

I met G-miami on the sugar daddy website years ago. We chatted, but nothing ever happened. I cancelled my profile and went on with my studies. Since moving to Denver, I thought it might be fun to try the site again. This year, after all, is MY year to do as I damn well please.

G-miami found me on the site again and emailed. This time we started chatting on the phone and quickly made plans for me to go to Miami to meet him. 

I should have known from our phone conversations that we weren't going to work out. He was awkward on the phone and made stupid jokes. I hate it when people crack stupid jokes. 

He did look like his picture, but he was really short. He also didn't look as hot as I expected him to. He thought I was hot, better looking than my pics. 

He took me out to some nice restaurants. We had pretty good conversation, but all he talked about was my looks and how I'm as driven as his brother... and how he thinks his brother is an a$$hole.

Fabulous.

We slept in separate beds. He never made a move. And by the third morning he asked me if we were friends. I said sure. He said that he thinks it would be better if I left a day early since that was all we would be. And then he told me he had already changed my flight.

I was disappointed that we didn't connect, and the rest of my time with him actually ended up being more torturous as he continued to talk about my beauty and cling to me when he didn't even like to go out to drink and socialize. I ended up feeling like a baby-sitter.

I was so happy to get back to Denver Friday. I went out with Blondie and then had a great day tubing with friends on Saturday. 

Sometimes I think I should stick to meeting men at bars since I know they'll click with me just on the drinking/socialization alone. Sometimes I wonder if I should focus on myself and figure out why I do these crazy things I do.

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The Insomniac

Insomniac and I have been out on about 5 dates. He is really good-looking, very respectful and totally knows how to treat a woman. However he's slightly socially-awkward, a bit nervous all the time... and well... an insomniac. 

Nonetheless, I enjoyed going out with him. He knows good cuisine and always took me to great restaurants. Granted, we mostly talked about his medical issues but what kind of doctor would I be if I didn't listen to my patients... a radiologist you say?

Well Insomniac and I went out on our fifth date last night and he asked me for a kiss at the end of the date. I thought that was extremely gentlemanly of him, so of course I obliged. 

IT WAS THE WORST KISS.

I'm sorry, but he SHOVED his tongue in my mouth. I was so taken aback. I didn't know what to do other than to pull back a bit and force him to go slowly. BUT then he'd shove his tongue in my mouth again!

I quickly ended the torture and thanked him for the date. He asked, "maybe next time we could hang out a lot longer?" And desperate to get away I replied "yeah sure!"... enthusiastically. 

I felt kinda gross and decided I would pull the intern card from this day forth. I'm chicken-sh!t about brutal honesty, and would much rather take a nasty email than tell a guy he is the worst kisser in the world... or take the time to teach him. I have better things to do... 

like go to Miami tomorrow...

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Playing Hookey

I've never played hookey with a job in my life, mostly because I knew I'd get caught. Sure I've skipped school, but this is different.

I decided to play hooky for a few reasons:

1. I was looking at the work schedule today. There would be three students with me during the morning shift. The morning shift is dead, so I'd mostly be sitting around staring at the clock, begging to see a pateint. With 4 of us sitting around, I'd probably see a max of 2 people in an 8 hour period.

2. I actually add MORE work for the other docs. You see, I'm an intern, which means all of my decisions have to be approved by the chief. The chief has to see all of the patiients anyway. With me and three other students on his/her coat-tails, I would be more of a nuisance than an actual help.

3. I'm not compromising health care in any way by not being there. I'm actually losing out on my own education.... but I'm taking a day for myself.... a much needed day for myself.

I just tried to justify a terrible thing, but I'm fairly certain I'm not going to regret it.

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We weren't supposed to sleep together

So I made a new friend in my building. Let's call him MetroStevo. I met him through craigslist because he was new to the area and looking for new friends. Cool. I love new friends. We met, hung out and kept hanging out as "just friends."

I wanna make it clear that every time we went out, I paid for myself. Like I said in my last post, when I'm just friends with a guy I have no problem paying for myself. 

MetroStevo is very good-looking, but I wanted to try and only be hooking up with the Author. Plus I figured all was well when we just hugged at the end of every outing and went back to our respective apartments.

We went to Elways, a steak house, last week. It was a great meal, with great wine, lots of fun... I paid for myself. We proceeded to drink more at the bar and then at another bar in our building. Again lots of fun. We went back up to his place, where I've been before, to watch a movie. All was well, until I was officially wasted... and he was officially wasted. 

He pulled me up from my chair and asked me to sit with him on the couch. I think we made out. Actually we must have, because we definitely ended up in his bedroom. I know we had sex, confirmed by the empty condom wrapper in the morning... oh and me being naked.

I don't feel badly about having sex with him. I feel badly that I don't remember it. He has texted since the incident. We will be hanging out again. I'm not sure I want to sleep with him again, but I still want to hang out as friends.

Is this possible?

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"your treat?"

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this:

So I've gone out with a few guys here in Denver who have paid for the first date. I think it's chivalrous and noble... and frankly I expect it because it's the right thing to do. My future sons will know better than to ever let a woman pay.

On a couple of occasions, I have gone out with men who have let me pay for my portion of the meal. That is totally fine. He's automatically been put into the friend category. Do you see my point of view coming across even more now?

I don't mind when I'm friends with a guy to pay my way. I do mind when I'm dating a guy. Until we're official, I believe he should court me.

Now here's my biggest problem and I need you all to tell me if I'm going overboard. Regardless of the relationship status, isn't it tacky/offensive/atrocious for a man to flat out ask a woman "so you're gonna get the next bill right?" or "next one is your treat?"

I don't care what is the underlying reasoning. I know it's valid and correct, but it's just so off-putting.

I put this guy Freddie into the friend category after the first date because I just wasn't attracted to him. We hung out a couple times after that date as friends; grilling steaks, playing Wii, hanging out with his friends and family. 

This week has been busy and he told me to let him know when I was free next. So I told him I'm free next week, let's grab pizza. And he said "sure... your treat?"

Now last time we hung out, we grilled. He bought the meat, but I offered to take him out for ice cream. I know there's a big price difference, but I can't get over this.

A man should NEVER ask a woman to pay. If she offers and he allows it, that's one thing. But seriously?

I'm really angered by this and I just don't wanna see Freddie ever again. Am I in the wrong? Does anyone else get me?

I can tell you for sure that my father thinks I'm correct. 

Your thoughts?

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"No... I want you to stay"

And the confusion with the Author continues. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. We'd make and break plans within minutes. Finally last night, we committed to hanging out. We went to see the movie Public Enemies, and I absolutely LOVED it.

Before I get to the rest of my night with Author, I gotta talk about this movie. First of all I love time period films, and this one was set in the 1930s. The clothes, the cars, the story was just wonderful. I think what captivated me the most was John and Billie's love. I couldn't believe his devotion and love for her. It was terribly romantic, and I hope that one day someone loves me like that. (Actually RedSox back in Boston does...) And I hope I can reciprocate.

The movie was almost 2.5 hours. We got outta the theater around 10:30 and headed back to the Author's apartment. We hung out for about an hour just playing with the dog and talking to his roommate, and then of course made our way to his bedroom.

Two weeks ago when we spent the entire day together and finished off with sex, Author told me he was uncomfortable having me stay over. It hurt, but I forced myself to think in the direction of friends with benefits. 

Last night, after sex, he got up to take his dog out to potty. I got up and got dressed. When he came back, he looked shocked to see me dressed and asked why I was leaving. Uh... hello? So I reminded him of what happened last time and he claimed that he wasn't uncomfortable, but he has a hard time getting a good nights sleep with someone else in his bed. So I offered to leave again, and he embraced me and fell back onto the bed saying "No... I want you to stay."

So I stayed. We didn't cuddle much because I know he needs his space, and I was ok with that. We woke up together over a period of 3 hours and parted ways to get going with our days. He wanted to know my plans for the day, and to figure out when to hang out next. I said we'd be in touch.

And I'm right back in the thick of confusion.

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Free Rockies.

One of my friends told me I am the Queen of the Free. Basically, if I can get something for free, I will. Some of my other friends call me a hustler.

Some of it is just down right luck... being in the right place at the right time.

At the moment I have a lot of time too as I'm DONE with the intensive care unit. Thank. You. God.

So naturally I went out on a craigslist date on Friday with a cute blondie who happens to be my age. I'm not sure why suddenly most of the men I'm dating are not at least 5 years older than I am. No matter.

Blondie and I went out for drinks in the lower downtown area of Denver. We kept getting closer and closer to Rockies Stadium as we bar hopped, then finally decided to just go to the game. We were standing in line at the ticket booth when a security guy comes over.

He asked us if were interested in tickets. We said sure. Then he handed us two tickets, saying "I'm allowed to give away 2 tix to every game, so I find good-looking people to give them to."

I'd like to give a big shout out to God one more time for blessing me with good looks, a kickass body and amazing hair.

We went into the game for FREE and sat 3 rows from the field in left field. A great date... except the Rockies lost. 

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The Author is just not that into me... I think

I think my last outburst stemmed from me inability to figure out the Author. We have great sex. The kissing is awesome.

BUT

He's only affectionate post-coitus. He won't text/call to say hi. Business is clearly more important.

MAYBE

it's my fault for breaking my age gap interest. I should probably heed to my own advice: dating older is better. The Author is my age... in fact, 6 months younger. I always have griped in the past about guys in their 20s only caring about money. Why suddenly did I think things would be different?

Probably because the Author is actually mature. Ugh... i hate that. Mature yet money-driven. AND YET... still invites me to do things like go on a boat, go to the movies, hang out... only to cancel last minute because he's gotta finish an article or something.

That's probably why I slept with Prosthesis last night. I was hoping maybe we could push forward. He is blond, hot, a former hockey player, older... I had high hopes.

But his pen!s is small. Terrible I know... and I was shocked to bits. Man was I dissapointed. 

What is going on???

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Can I handle this anymore?

Or should I even bother is probably the better question.

It's no secret that I LOVE men... plural.

But the holy trinity thing just hasn't been working out as well as it used to. PitaChips Le Deux broke it off with me a couple days ago. His on/off woman was back on and he really wanted to pursue something with her. Kinda sucks because he was my favorite blond.

The Author and I spent the entire day together on Sunday chillin in his apartment. Sometimes I felt he was distancing himself, other times he would get really close. I can't tell if he's just not that into me or what.

Prosthesis is superbusy, but I ran into him last night on my walk back from dinner. He's a cutie but I'm not sure I'm that into him.

I'm kinda at the crossroads, where I wonder what the heck I'm doing. I have a lot going on with medicine. I'm modeling next week for a benefit. My shopping blog is kinda starting to take off. These should all be great things.

But I can't get rid of my need to have multiple men in my life. I like that they're always there. The beauty of having 3 was that I wouldn't have to overwhelm just one with my desire to hang out often. But that's rarely been my problem since they've always wanted to hang out with me. I wonder if it's something about Denver, but I get the same compliments from men with less attention.

This will probably all pass, but I just wonder if I'm regressing or just refusing to try to be an adult.

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Giveaway at RoxyShops

I feel like plugging myself.

I'm hosting a giveaway on my shopping blog, Roxy Shops.

Head on over and enter!

Click on any of the links above or the blogroll.

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The Missing Tampon

Last night Prosthesis and I went to a bbq at one of my co-workers house. We were having a great time when it was time to go before I got drunk in front of the other doctors. On our way back we stopped at the british pub, looking for a brawl.

That didn't happen, but heavy drinking ensued. And then I sort of blacked out. I don't remember Prosthesis dropping me off or anything, but I do have this flash of yelling at the Author in the hallway. He texted me to hang out. I was on the tail end of my period and ready to get laid, but I guess he wasn't feeling well, and I flipped out on him because I wanted to hang. 

I don't remember what was said. I just know I woke up this morning to 2 texts from him apologizing for not feeling well and then another one saying he's perked up and still free to hang. 

I went to the bathroom to get ready for work. When I went to pull out my tampon, the string wasn't there. I freaked out and reached in... nothing. I didn't notice a tampon in the trash either. The rest of the morning I was so scared that something happened and the tampon is stuck way the hell back in my vaginal vault.

So once I was done rounding on my patients, I ran to the clinic. I grabbed one of my coworkers and asked her to take a look because I didn't want to be a toxic shock patient in the ICU. She went and didn't see a thing. 

I've thought about it quite a bit, but I have no idea where that tampon went.

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Prosthesis

I should update you briefly that the Principal is no longer in the picture. After a couple of dates and a terrible kiss, my naughty schoolgirl porn fantasies died.

On to Prosthesis, so named because he lost him arm in a fireworks accident. I didn't notice right away. He was the one to actual point it out to me while we were out having drinks. It's impressive. It looks pretty real, has a battery so he can sorta move it and almost perfectly matches his skin tone.

And aside from the fake arm, he is HOT, BLOND, tall, fit and only lives a block away. AND AND... he played hockey in high school and college. I KNOW!!!!!

I don't think we will develop into anything more than FWBs though... if even that since he was sort of dating a girl in my building. I'm not gonna rule it out, but I'm not going to push it either.

We did have a lot of fun on Saturday night. I was supposed to meet a friend of mine for drinks, but he had to cancel again for family stuff. I really really really wanted to go out for some wine. Everyone was either working, out of town or just not in the mood. So naturally I resorted to craigslist, and Prosthesis responded.

We met up right outside my building and went to a wine bar. We had great conversation and started bar hopping. I want to say we went to 4 or 5 places heading back in the direction of our street. I had a blast with him and he paid for all my drinks.

We've made plans to go to Red Rocks for their summer movie series, Office Space.... and Prosthesis found an old printer we can smash with bats in the parking lot.

Damn it feels good to be a gansta.

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Dating, Friends or both?

PitaChips le Deux had to cancel our date. He was going on vacation with his brothers for almost 2 weeks and some legal document problem came up with the business he's starting. He had to take care of it before he left.

That was too bad, but it was good to get a good night's sleep since I had 24 hour call the next day. Call was a killer. I think we got slammed with 7 patients and several procedures to do at the same time. It was nuts!

So when it was finally over on the 4th of July, I was happy to go home and sleep. I woke up and texted the Author to see what he was up to. He invited me to grill with his roommate for the afternoon. That turned into a huge party as other neighbors were out there grilling too. We made new friends with everyone. 

Author and I snuck away for a bit to hook up. He pounded me into his bed and then jumped up to go to another party. I felt a bit used... but figured we were just gonna end up as each other's booty call.

I had to work on the 5th, but it was only a half-day. I came home and saw that Author had texted me to see how my day went. I was kinda surprised, but texted back. He then joined me for the day at a local arts festival and then took me out to dinner.

We went out last night and I slept over, but I'm still not sure what is up. We love the same music. We have great sex. He witnessed me having a nightmare last night. (It involved water creatures, so I'm officially never going in any body of water that is not a jacuzzi/pool again). I think we enjoy each other's company.

But I also know we're both not good at commitment. Or maybe I'm just not. I am dating a couple other guys after all.

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Melrose Place

One the guys who responded to my first craigslist ad formerly lived in my building. He was telling me about the friends he had made, particularly that a lot of them would end up hooking up with each other. He said our building has been known to be a bit like Melrose Place.

At our building bbq a few weeks ago, I made friends with a few people in our building. One in particular was the Author. I could tell the Author instantly liked me. I thought he was a cutie, but I wasn't particularly fond of his beard. He invited me to go boating the next day, and when he took of his glasses to get in the water I thought he got cuter.

We hadn't had a chance to hang out in a while because residency is killing my life. But yesterday he was back from a trip and we decided to have some wine. From there, we went to the pool. From the pool we snuck our drinks into his gym so we could use the jacuzzi.

The alcohol really started to hit, especially when we went into the steam room. And that's where he was suddenly on top of me. I couldn't breathe in there, so we took it back to his apartment... one floor below mine.

Clothes came off. We had sex. I don't remember much of it. All I remember is my phone started ringing, and it was the Murse telling me he was outside my building for our date!

I SWEAR I didn't forget. I just hadn't realized that the time flew. I apologized to the Author, and booked it to my apartment to change. The Murse never suspected a thing... and he slept over that night. hehe.

What am I doing you wonder? I have no idea, but it sure is fun.

And I have my third date with PitaChips le Deux tonight. ;)

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Til Death do Us Part

Saturday call was turning out to be great. I was barely getting paged. We only had one admission. Things were looking good. 

At around 10pm, we got the call for a transfer. Apparently this guy was supposed to go home the next day, but he started having difficulty breathing and coughing up blood. A chest x-ray showed a complete white-out of the left lung. Basically it was filled with blood. 

We calmly told him we were going to take him to the ICU. We were also going to insert a breathing tube into his good lung to help him out. We called a surgical team to alert them that he might need to have a blood vessel tied to stop the bleeding.

Things were going well until the next morning, when he coded in his room. The nurse jumped on him to start CPR. My resident started throwing out orders. We gave him meds, continued CPR... did everything we could. His wife ran in and held onto me. We finally got his heart to beat, but it would only beat with help from machines. 

The rest of the family arrived along with a priest. The final decision was made to take him off the machine. I was doing well until the wife looked at me. Then I teared up. I couldn't imagine what they were going through. "He was supposed to go home today" was all they could say.

They all left, heads down. I stayed to document the events. The other doctors were visibly upset too, but sadly this is the reality of the ICU... it's the reality of medicine. I'd say I handled it pretty well... but I'm very thankful that I will only have to deal with it for a year. 

In radiology I interact with images. 

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It happens in Threes

First Ed McMahon died and ruined my dreams of hearing my doorbell ring only to see him standing there with my publisher's clearing house check. Then Farrah Fawcet dies days within days of getting engaged. Finally Michael Jackson expires, leaving a legendary array of music that will forever be on my Ipod playlist.

Other things that happens in threes involve my dating life. I fondly refer to the 3 men I date as my holy trinity. I've written about a few in the past.

So I told you about the Murse... but I have yet to update you on the Principal and PitaChips le Deux.

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The Murse

Murse (n.): male nurse

The Murse was the first one to respond to my craigslist post to hang out for dinner and drinks in Denver. From his pic, he looked kinda nerdy with those thick-rimmed, Emo glasses. I love nerds, so I gladly accepted his proposal.

We had great convo and food at dinner. He paid. We then went to the popular bars near the baseball field. There was a great band playing and the lead singer came into the crowd to sing. She serenaded the Murse with Shania Twain's "That don't impress me much." I wouldn't be surprised if my girlfriends felt the same way. But I thought he was a cutie.

We've been out 3 more times since then. He took me to Red Rocks, which is officially the most amazing concert venue in the world. They have movie nights and we went for the Big Lebowski. Pot kept blowing in my face and I freaked out that it would effect my drug test the following day. I also got lost, and ended up finding someone in our group to sit with on the steps with the other lost children.

Last night, I brought the Murse to drinks with my future co-interns... but I invited him over my place beforehand. Let me just say he is the best pussy-eater I've dated. Sorry for the TMI, but I was not expecting it. Then he pounded me into the bed. It was fantastic. If I could have relaxed, I know I would have cum... but he promises that next time, with more time, he'll make it happen.

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Craigslist Rules

So I'm pretty fearless when it comes to craigslist. I have no problem meeting men, and quite often I meet some great guys. RedSox for example... in fact most of the men written of in this blog are from craigslist.

When I posted an ad in M4W in Denver, I received the typical 60+ responses. I met about 7 of them. I'll get to writing about those men within the next few days, but I wanted to let you know how I manage this. One of my friends has recommended that I write a guidebook for craigs. No need for a guidebook. Just follow a few simple rules and guidelines:

1. The "Delete" button on email is your best friend. Don't be afraid to use it. If something(ANYTHING) is off, DELETE!

2. Ask for a picture in your post. Physical attraction is the first and foremost important part of chemistry. If a guy doesn't send a pic, and doesn't explain why, DELETE. If he refuses to send one, DELETE.

3. You must be able to see his face in the pic. Some men send pics of their abs. I do find that hot, but I'm gonna be looking at his face when we meet.

3. If you ask for a pic, you MUST have one to send in return. If you post your pic in your ad, make sure it's accurate.

4. Don't feel offended if you send a guy your pic and he never replies. We have types too and delete many responses because we didn't feel a spark. He saved you a headache.

5. Keep your post short. Most men click on posts just to see the pic and mostly will respond based on how hard they get by looking at you. It's no different from daily life.

6. Some men cast a deep net when it comes to craigs. This means they respond to every single M4W ad. These guys are easy to spot. Their response to you is the length of a novel and don't reference anything you said in your ad. If you get one of these guys, DELETE.

7. Meeting the guy: you have to meet sooner rather than later. Emailing gets old very quickly. He should be willing to set up coffee or something after a few emails. If it's going on forever and he's not asking, DELETE. (and of course meet in a public place)

8. Go into each date with NO expectations. Some men will not look like their picture. Some will have lied about their name, age, occupation, etc. You might have to pay for your own meal. Be prepared for this, but nonetheless try to enjoy yourself. It's great practice for the future.

9. Get his phone number before the date and yes... be willing to give him yours. People run late, go to the wrong restaurant, have an emergency. Personally, I like to text him 5 mins before I arrive to see where he is on route. There have been times where I've been stood up, so I'd like to try and figure that out before I sit down at a table.

10. Always say thank you. Definitely at the end of the night, even better in a follow-up email.

11. Briefly evaluate the date. Did you like him? Keep it simple: Yes or No only.

12. He might never contact you again. As a blogger friend's mom once said "Rejection is God's Protection." Take it with a grain of salt and go for the next guy.

13. You may not want to go out again. Be honest. Just say "thanks, but I didn't feel chemistry." He might reply with a vicious email... DELETE.

14. Lastly, let me just re-iterate the first rule. The "Delete" button is your best friend. Use it as often as you wish.

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First Week in Denver

I landed in Denver with 2 boxes filled to the max weight the airline would allow. WhiteRapper picked me up at the airport and lifted them both without much difficulty... show-off.

We drove straight to American Furniture Warehouse, the IKEA of this area. I picked up a couch, matching chair, an ottoman that converts into a coffee table and a bed frame. We lugged all of this straight to my apartment. 

And there I was... in my new home. 

Having no friends here yet, naturally I posted an ad on craigslist. I went on 2 dates last weekend. Both went well, with gentleman. I have a second date with one on Saturday. He's a nurse. He might even be working with me when I do my ER rotation... call room sex?

On Sunday, OleMiss flew in. He just left today, Thursday. We had a good week as we usually do. He set up my furniture, bank account, internet and other manly things. I rewarded him with sex. It's win win... well for me ;) Ok I did have to risk my life on an ATV in the mountains and on the river white-water rafting, but thankfully that is over and I am back in heels.

And now, I'm feeling a twinge of loneliness. Orientation starts on Monday, so I won't meet my fellow interns until then. People in my building seem to already have their cliques or lives going. I'm sure this will all change within the next couple of weeks. But until then...

I have to get ready for my next craigslist date ;)

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Shipping out of Boston

There are 2 boxes in our foyer, packed to the max and sealed with mostly clothes. I leave for Denver tomorrow morning. I think it will hit me next week when I'm sick of Denver and just wanna go home. However home will be downtown Denver at least for the next 13 months.

I start my year in the intensive care unit. I flipped out with fear that I might kill someone, so I packed some extra books to study next week. Though I don't know how much studying I'll get done since OleMiss is visiting from Monday thru Thursday.

RedSox and I had what is probably our final talk about our relationship this morning. At least that's what I hope. The second I walk through the gates, we will officially be over. 

WhiteRapper, in Denver, has told me that his current relationship might be over. I don't know what I do to keep these men around.

And on that note, I already have a date tomorrow night for tapas in Denver. The guy is visiting from Chicago, so at least he won't be bugging me for the majority of the year... at least I hope.

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MENtal Move

I move to Denver a week from tomorrow. I *think* I have my apartment all set, but it's not official until I get the latest rental agreement from my leasing person, who must hate me. I've called and emailed a whole bunch of times, but here's what I finally got:

A studio in a nice high-rise building for $715 per month.... as opposed to $970 per month that I was going to pay on a slightly larger studio. Persistence pays off. I'm gonna be saving almost an extra $3000 for the year.

Now that the apartment is settled (almost), other things have come up. Basically 5 men in my life/past have asked when I'm moving, when they can visit, etc etc.

OleMiss has already booked his ticket for the second week of June... I don't even have a bed yet.

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M.D.

I graduated yesterday. It was kind of a surreal moment. The past 4 years were quite possibly the worst years of my life. I have felt very little aside from anger, and I just couldn't find a way to diffuse it.

Yesterday, after I received my poster-size diploma I think I finally felt some relief. Though I have many fears about my future, this gigantic piece of paper is Tufts telling me they believe in me.

I wish my parents believed in me though. I think that's where a lot of my anger is sourced. My mom wanted to meet the president of the hospital at the graduation because she was "the person who got me in." That night at a dinner party, my father thanked the chief of radiology for "letting me into their residency program."

My parents are pretty pissed with me at the moment because I've been doing a lot of things without telling them. I secured my apartment in Denver without telling them. I keep making plans in Boston without telling them.

I bought my ticket to Denver for June 1st. I don't even have to be there until June 15th. When my mom asked me why, I lied and said it was to get to know the area. She knows the reality is I can't get away from them fast enough.

I'm trying to channel all of this negative energy into something positive, though. For one, I'm refreshing my memory like crazy to do well for my patients because I get my first patient on June 22nd. Second, I am going to learn spanish. In Peru, I realized I understand the language a lot more than I realized, so it's time to be able to speak back.

Every end has it's new beginning, which will hopefully be better.

Medical school is over. I know I already feel better.

Thank. You. God.

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Texts from Last Night

Sorry to disappoint but I don't have any texts from last night to share. However, there is a blog out there where people can anonymously submit their funny texts.

texts from last night is similar to Overheard in NYC. They are hilarious, and the only form of identification is the area code.

Enjoy!

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Denver Dash

I just got back from a quick trip to Denver to house hunt. After figuring out my salary for my first year, I realize that I have quite a bit I can drop on rent. The plan for the trip was to rent a car for the first 2 days and drive around to find a place.

Unfortunately those plans were foiled when the day after I arrived, the city was hit with a blizzard. I haven't driven since high school, so needless to say I stayed indoors. I was actually crashing at WhiteRapper's place and he lives about 20 minutes south of the city.

Saturday, we braved the rain and checked out a bunch of high-rises. Each one had it's ups and downs, but for the rents they were asking I just was not impressed... until I walked into the 16th street high-rise. It is the closest to the hospital. It is the newest of all buildings. It offered the most amenities for the price.

Let me tell you what I would get. First of all, since they're so new, they're trying to fill up the vacant apartments. The current special includes $250 off PER MONTH on studios. Included in the rent is concierge service/security, 24-hour fitness center, entertainment room with 3 huge flat screens and full kitchen, business center with free wifi and free printing, OUTDOOR patio with an outdoor fireplace and 2 large grills, a PRIVATE entrance into the upscale restaurant on the bottom floor with priority seating, gratuity-free valet parking, washer-dryer in EVERY unit, brand new appliances (dishwasher, microwave, stove, etc) in EVERY unit.

I mean this place is a dream to live in. It's exactly 1 mile from the hospital with a bus stop right out my door. It's on 16th street with FREE shuttle the entire length of the street. I just could rave on and on.

And I did rave to my parents... who predictably took a nice sh!t on my parade. They told me the rent was too high for denver, I could find closer to the hospital, blah blah blah. I had told my mom I was going to ask her and dad to pay my rent as my graduation present. They bought my sister a new car for her graduation, so I should get the equivalent cost in rent.

After mulling over everything, I've decided that I am going to pay my rent on my own... and just ask for the graduation gift as a check. If they don't wanna give it, I'm not really going to care. As I have a nice cushion under my butt from all the money I've saved since high school.

I put myself on the priority wait-list for this apartment building, and I'm confident I'll get what I want, since the office has already emailed me with a few openings in my time frame. I CANNOT WAIT!

And for all my friends who read this, you only have 1 year to visit me in Denver. Start saving and keep an eye out for flight deals!

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I could never live in LA

I don't want to be a complainer. I feel like no matter where one travels, comparisons will always be made to the home city... or problems will easily be pointed out in the other city.

So let's talk (complain) about LA.

1. Driving: It's bad enough that you MUST have a car in this "city." It's worse when people have no clue what they're doing. I'm pretty sure LA is the only city in the country where you can have traffic at all hours of the day/night. I read a brief study where someone analyzed LA driving on the freeway to determine why there was random traffic. The conclusion: reckless/stupid driving. If one person cuts off another, EVERYBODY slows down. If there is a random car on the shoulder, EVERYBODY slows down to look. It's unbelievable... and true... since I experience it EVERY DAY I'm here.

2. Slowness: I try to appreciate people taking their time to do something... like a detail, oriented task. I can't stand it when everything is done slowly. Food service, driving, talking, walking, thinking. People here... slow. I'm not saying stupid... ok I might be. ;)

3. Men: Hands down, this city has some of the most beautiful people in the country. Unfortunately a lot them are weird. LA attracts a lot of quirky people. It makes sense since that's what will get someone on TV, but it just doesn't fly for dating.

4. People in general: The problem with most people in LA is that they're egomaniacs with no money and quite often adjusted with plastic. Not that money is everything and plastic is terrible... but I love money, I plan on making a ton of it (with my education and not a "big break")... and I'm going to spend it with plastic.

5. Housing: Neighborhoods have names, but they make no sense (except Beverly Hills since that area has gates... no joke). You get such an eclectic mix of socioeconomic status in every neighborhood. And the rent doesn't adjust accordingly... in fact rent is solely based on the upperclass, and all people must pay it.

I'm very happy to get a break from LA when I go to Denver tomorrow!

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Too much To Do

Paperwork from Denver has come flooding in... to Boston. My mom faxed some stuff over, but RedSox has the rest. Luckily he's coming to LA tomorrow night.

I'm looking forward to seeing him, though I must admit that our time apart has been good for me. I miss him, but not in the relationship way. It's lonely out here, but I am enjoying my freedom.

After my board exam on Monday, I decided to try craigslist. I put up an ad for friends, got a million responses and finally met up with someone who suggested a place I could get to by foot. Low and behold, he's NOT an actor. In fact... he is an investment banker.

What are the odds?

He was a cutie. We had a drink, then more, then more. I'm fairly certain I drank an entire bottle of wine. I was definitely wasted...

I know we kissed, but I don't remember. I know I talked to RedSox on the phone, but I don't remember.

The I-banker texted me the next day asking to hang out again. I waited a few hours before responding that I was busy. I have yet to hear back, so I'm sure that might be the end of him.

And it's great... because I love being back on the prowl.

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Moving Out and Driving

I have officially moved out of my apartment in Beacon Hill. I must say I am very happy to be out of that tiny tiny room, but I will miss living there. I won't miss my current roommate, but I will miss her when I'm drunk.

The good news is that I will be back in Beacon Hill (hopefully) about a year from now. I am looking forward to my adventure in Colorado, but I'm also starting to freak out about it.

I've never left Boston. I know this city so well. I can walk everywhere from anywhere. Denver is different. I don't know yet if I'll need a car. (God I hope not)

Let me sidetrack with a driving story. Last night was the medical school gala. RedSox and Madge came over for pre-drinks. RedSox left his emergency lights on for almost an hour, and of course the car wouldn't start when it was time to go.

Madge and RedSox decided they would push the car and I would drive it in neutral down the hill to the gas station. I was scared to death though. Me trying to turn the wheel on that giant escalade was just not working out... and I ended up blocking an entire street. 

Madge and I flagged down cars and this nice lady let us jump from her car. We had help from a DiningIn delivery guy and then off we went to gala.

So the moral of this story is probably that I should never drive an escalade... Please God let me find a great bus route or bike in Denver.

Anyway, I'm home in Andover with my mom and the cat. Sebastien has actually lost a ton of weight living with my parents. He looks like a totally different cat. 

Tomorrow I'm off to sunny Los Angeles for a month, then Peru for a week, then back to Boston for 2 weeks, then off to Denver for 13 months. 

Wow.... what did I get myself into? 

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MATCHED!

I posed with my new Louis Vuitton bag and asked RedSox, "how do I look?"

He replied, "Wealthy."

That's the ultimate goal, and it will be realized. I'm very happy to report that I matched in radiology in Boston. I'll spend a year in Denver doing regular medicine first. 

I must admit that I knew I was matching at the GH a month ago. Apparently I was #1 on their rank list, and of course no one could resist telling my mother... who then couldn't resist telling me... who then told Sister and RedSox, but no one else. (ok I spilled to OleMiss 2 weeks later and then Ruby 2 days prior to the Match).

I'd say I did the best job with the secret, though.

And now for a soapbox moment:

Medical school is hell on Earth. I don't encourage anyone to go, and looking back on the last 4 years I wouldn't repeat most of it. Granted, I say this in the immediate aftermath. I imagine I'll be singing a different tune when I realize I have job security, a sweet paycheck and great friends I would never have met otherwise.

I would like to thank everyone for reading my blog, be it long-term or once in a while. Thank you for offering your thoughts, advice and opinions regarding school and everything else going on in my life. I appreciate you sticking around when I ultimately did what I wanted/felt/needed anyway.

Because you KNOW the story ain't over...

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In Limbo

I'm gonna jump from topic to topic in this post, but that's how my mind is working at the moment.

My life is in a limbo of sorts. I feel like I cannot make any decisions until I find out about residency. Match Day is this coming Thursday... but Black Monday tells me Yes or No. I'm really praying for a yes, both for the preliminary year and for radiology.

By some miracle, someone bought my loft bed... and now my bedroom is a mess of clothes and books. This hasn't helped with the limbo. I'm afraid to do anything else that might add to the chaos I'm feeling. 

I took a break and went to the Bahamas with RedSox and his friends. We had a wonderful time. Though our relationship has a definitive break, it doesn't have a definitive end. I've been reading a book called "When Good People Have Affairs," and have found quite a bit of enlightenment. I've also come up with a plan, possibly.

Tomorrow I'm going a church in Davis Square to drop off $1000. It's been my plan since the beginning of the residency application process. I was going to wait until after the Match, but I don't want to risk changing my donation in case I am displeased with the Match.

A few days ago, I met someone who gave me a great quote. "If you want something, you have to give it away." Basically if you want love, you need to give love. If you want money, you need to give money. If you want help, you need to offer it.

I want all of those things and more.

I just can't make any moves right now. I'm stuck... in limbo. Isn't this one of the layers of hell?

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I asked

One thing I've learned from therapy and my experience is that communication needs to happen often. I didn't wait very long to ask RedSox about his profile on the website.

Every time I stay over his place, I am the first to one to go to sleep. He always lies with me for a few minutes while I fall asleep. Last night I was smirking quite a bit while we were lying in bed together and he noticed, asking what was on my mind.

So I said, "if you're going to meet women off of [website], could you please wait until I leave for LA at the end of the month."

I think he had the same reaction i did when he confronted me about my infidelities. Shock, fear, guilt. He promised to take down his profile. 

I decided to trust him, and ultimately enjoy the rest of our time together. Afterall... we're going to the Bahamas this weekend.

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Highly Amused

I promised RedSox I would be faithful for the remainder of our time together in Boston. When I received an email alert from a dating website I had used in the past, I logged on to cancel my account.

In the corner, there's a link to another dating website where I had an account as well. I clicked on that site to cancel my account too. For kicks I decided to see who was in Boston before I cancelled.

And there it is... RedSox's profile. He created it on Valentine's Day and last logged in a week ago. 

I'm wondering if I should tell him I know now or later or never... what do you think?

I'm very confused right now and highly amused. 

He forgave me for my infidelity. I've been working on it in therapy and being faithful. He's been working very hard on himself too. I feel like even though we are going to end when I move away for residency, we have been doing very well. Communicating, improving ourselves, moving forward.

I dunno... i just can't stop laughing 

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Sex with RedSox

Sex with RedSox was never stellar. In fact it was a big problem early on in our relationship. I know I've had my own issues with orgasm, but I overcame them. I wanted to be able to have one with a partner.

I asked RedSox to try different positions. We'd try for a quick second and then he'd flip me back into military. I asked him to go down on me. He refused due to a traumatic try with an ex-girlfriend. I think she reamed him out and he's never recovered. 

To help him, I bought the Guide to Getting It On. He felt too conservative to read it. I offered to read it with him, work on our sex life together. He put his foot down, and I had no hope.

That's when I started to stray. 

Fast-forward to now, our relationship is hanging by a thread. RedSox knows why I strayed. When he gave me the lingerie on Valentine's day, he stated he was willing to try more sexual positions. He searched for the Guide but couldn't find it. He wants to read it and wants to work on our sex life.

I felt bombarded. I was so shocked and instantly uncomfortable. I wasn't ready to have sex after all this time... let alone do everything I wanted to do over a year ago.

We finally did have sex later in the week. We tried a different position. I didn't get off (though I'm certain it's because I was freaked out by the change).

I appreciate that he's trying, but it also made me feel angry that he waited until I threatened to end our relationship. I confronted him and he admitted that was the push. 

I was strongly considering ripping the band-aid and letting him go last week. After I confronted him and we talked it through, I decided that I am going to stay. Why?

Because if I leave, he'll never try to better himself in the ways women want. He needs to be better at sex. He also needs to lose a couple (30+) pounds.

Weight... my other issue...

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Valentine's Effort

I hope everyone had a wonderful valentine's day, either celebrating with a loved one or celebrating your fabulous self.

RedSox really wanted to celebrate Valentines. I did not. I didn't feel I deserved one. I just wanted a quiet saturday where I opened the gym, had a good work-out after my shift and enjoyed my evening.

Like a typical guy, RedSox tried to make reservations last-minute. He found 9:45pm at Persephone. Unfortunately, I'm ready to eat my arm by 7:30-8pm. I told him I'd much rather stay home and order in. He INSISTED we go out, so I relented and asked him to find a place with an earlier reservation.

At the end of my shift, I called to let him know I was gonna work out. I could be ready around 5-6pm. He told me the only reservation he could find was 4:30pm at Petit Robert. I did not want to eat at 4:30pm... let alone at a place I could care less about. Again, he INSISTED.

I had a crappy work-out, went to CVS to find him a card and headed home to get ready. I called him again to see if he was able to find a later reservation anywhere. He asked what I wanted to do. I told him I want to be able to eat when I'm hungry.

We decided to stay in... and he would cook for me. I was already waay pissed off by this point, so to get him to cook for me would guarantee he would stay in the kitchen while I cooled off.

RedSox said he would pick me up at 6pm... he finally came around 8:15pm. Did I mention that I would have eaten my arm by this point? I was sleeping to avoid the anger that hunger brings on.

He picked me and bought flowers. He had all the food ready to cook. I was still pissy.

Listen. I know he's trying really hard to please me, but I can't get over the chaos I feel in my head. I can't stand improper planning and disorganization.

The evening ended up going pretty well once I started drinking the pinot noir I selected and bought for the night. He fed me immediately with cheeses and nuts, then cooked a decent chicken entree with pasta.

I apologized for my anger. He forgave me and handed me my gift. A cross from Tiffanys. He also gave me some lingerie.

Sex... now that is a WHOLE other issue.

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Versus

The RedSox break-up has been occupying my mind 24/7. I have talked it out with my sister, friends and my therapist.

There's a lot of right vs. wrong, guilt vs. innocence, wants vs. needs, obligations vs. aquiescence.

When I told RedSox I wanted to be alone my intern year but I still wanted for us to continue normally, I was being extremely selfish. When he brought up my trysts with other men, I wanted out. He still wanted in, and I agreed.

Now I'm feeling suffocated. He wants to hang out every single night, and I agree to it. He is a lot more clingy and it's annoying as hell... but I allow it.

I told my therapist I wanted to rip the band-aid and end it, but I felt doing so would be letting myself off the hook while he suffers. Friends think RedSox is clinging to me for dear life with some fantasy hope that I will change my mind.

My cousin pretty much called me an a$$hole for staying with him. OleMiss told me I date pansies and he would have gone ape$hit on me and dumped me.

I know most of you will advise that I do what I want/feels right... but nothing really does at the moment.

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shit hath almost hitteth the fan

I say almost...

Last week RedSox asked me about the future of our relationship. While I had made it clear I wanted to leave Boston, he wasn't clear that I also wanted an end to our relationship. My fault. I should have told him the moment I decided.

But I did tell him last week, and that's when the fiasco of our imminent end began. He asked that we stay together until the end. I agreed. He asked for more time from me. I gave it.

I had my final residency interview in NYC last week, and I planned to stay with OleMiss. On Tuesday RedSox asked me where I was staying. I lied and told him a girl-friend.

He then told me "I know more than you think I do."

I was caught, though to some extent I wasn't surprised. I told him "I'm sure you do, and I will tell you everything you want to know."

He didn't want to know anything. He wasn't even angry. He STILL wanted to stay together.

Now let me keep it real people. I CHEATED... several times. I never admitted to it or considered my behavior anything other than being myself, but it's true. I cheated on RedSox.

And he forgave me. He wasn't angry.

I cannot believe it.

This post should probably be longer, but I am still in shock. Thank God I am seeing my therapist today.

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I love the Navy... and San Diego

When I got the interview offer from the Naval hospital, I couldn't be more excited. All I could think was MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN... did I mention Men?

The navy did deliver. I think I had whiplash walking through the hospital. 

The interviews were TOUGH though. They were the most formal and "typical" with questions about strengths and weaknesses, failures, triumphs, favorite thing about med school, etc.

I was prepared but unprepared because I just hadn't reviewed those answers in a while. I hope I did ok, but I'm not sure... especially the first interview. I swear the doc/lieutenant didn't even crack a smile.

Now let's talk about San Diego. Here's the city in a nutshell:

Mexicans, Mexicans, Homeless, HOTTIE!

Homeless, Mexicans, Homeless, HOTTIE!

I'd probably have fun, but I don't think I'd find a hottie with a brain who is unmarried. 

On to the rest of San Diego. I did have the chance to re-unite with one of my best friends from college... and WhiteRapper joined me for the weekend.

In a nutshell, we had a fun weekend exploring San Diego. I did fabulous dessert, the zoo and sportfishing... yes, I went fishing... and I probably won't ever again.

I wish I could write more thoughtfully, but I don't have much to say. It's all what it is. *I* am just tired. Now that interviews are almost done, I'm scared. I'm afraid I won't match. In fact, there's a good chance I won't.

But there is a good chance I will... I just have to impress the chief... I hope he trusts me when I tell him I will not fail.

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Carded

Thursday night before my Friday interview at the GH, the residents invited us out for drinks and dinner at the Liberty Hotel. I love this place. It's pretentious and snobby, and totally fabulous. 

That day, I got out of work at 4:30pm. I had plenty of time to get home, change and head to the Liberty by 5:30pm. I realized at 5pm that I left my cell phone in my white coat back at school. 

That's ok, I thought to myself. I'm not gonna be talking to anyone that evening nor the next day during my interview. I can go get it when I'm done. I continue getting ready. Then I realize I also left my wallet in my white coat.

And this is when I flip out...

I'm going to be drinking. What if I get carded? I will look like the BIGGEST tool in front of my future colleagues.

I throw on my outfit, roll down my hill and jump in a cab. I have 15 minutes to get to school and back to the Liberty. The cabbie totally felt my story, got me to school and back in the nick of time.

And of course I didn't get carded... of course.

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