Parental Pre-wedding Drama; part 2

So after it was decided that NotMexican and I will definitely be getting married next year, the conversation went from 0 to 1000mph in less than 1 second to discuss the reception... actually receptions... pleural.

My father already picked the venue for the Indian reception. He already has the guest invite list. He would like to have Indian dancers, a Belly dancer, a Dj, AND... wait for it... a magician.

I nearly cut a bitch.

I yelled in the middle of the restaurant "ARE YOU RETARDED? Nobody has a magician at a wedding! This is a WEDDING, not a kid's birthday party or a carnival!"

My mom jumped in and firmly squashed the magician.

Though then my mother took over the conversation, saying that she'll need to have a separate reception... because my mother has a whole separate plan.

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Parental Pre-wedding Drama, Part 1

So tonight was a difficult evening.

My mom told me about a month ago that my dad wanted to go to dinner to talk to me without NotMexican. I assumed this was about a pre-nuptial agreement, but my mom kept saying she didn't know why... for a month she didn't know why.

I chose not to dwell on this and went into the dinner assuming we would be talking pre-nup.

So the first drama of the dinner:
Dad's reason for wanting to talk. Ready?

"I see only 2 reasons for you to get married next year.
1. You both are going to be living in the same city shortly after the wedding.
2. You're gonna have a kid shortly after the wedding.
Otherwise, why not wait until 2015?"

I don't know how you read the above, but I interpreted it as they don't like my future husband. Did I jump the gun with assumptions? Absolutely!
Am I wrong? I still am not sure.

After a strong back and forth lasting an excruciating 45 minutes, I finally got my father to agree that whether I get married tomorrow or in 20 years, it doesn't matter whether NotMexican and I are in the same city or have any children.

Many married couples live apart for a LONG time. I gave the TRUE example of one of the Thoracic fellows at my hospital who married his wife the last year of medical school and had to spend the next 6 YEARS(including this year) of their marriage apart because they couldn't get their residencies or fellowships to match in the same city. They tried! Just like NotMexican got his great job in Michigan because he was TRYING to find a job in Boston.

Many couples also never have kids. Either they choose not to such as DINKS (dual income, no kids) OR they try and try and use medical technology/advancements and CAN'T.

After my amazing arguments, I pried, picked and jabbed with an ice pick to try and break my dad on why he would bring this up. He didn't break. So either these reasons truly were the focus of his questioning my marriage to NotMexican, or he's really good at hiding his true thoughts.

So I told you this took about 45 minutes... well the dinner lasted about another 1.5 hours.

Stayed tuned for how the conversation went from no wedding to possibly THREE wedding events in 2012...

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It's not my wedding, but I'm freakin pissed!

So my sister is having her wedding in Italy. Oooh, aaahh, yes it sounds great, but...

When she started planning the wedding, she and her fiance decided that they would pay for the wedding so that they could have the wedding they wanted.

They explicitly told my parents, 20 from our side.

Guess what just happened... my dad invited 200 people. Then sends an email, saying there must have been a misunderstanding because he thought our side could have 50 people.

My sister... called her financial advisor to try and pay for the extra people.

Anyone else feeling pissed right about now? I am...

I am furious and it's not even my wedding, but I'll tell you why I'm furious... because they're gonna pull this same crap with me and expect me to blow it off like no big deal.

Listen, I get that a wedding is supposed to be a celebration, but how is a celebration if I'm not getting the wedding I want?

I don't understand why my sister isn't standing up stronger for herself. It's bullsh!t.

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Meet the Parents

I was very nervous introducing NotMexican to my parents. He is totally different from my other boyfriends, and well... Indian parents are very harsh. They don't quite put their kids interests before their own.

So I prepped NotMexican and told him what to say and what to wear. If my parents saw his tattoos, it would be all over. As much as I hated asking him to do this, he accepted that Indian parents are different. First impressions mean everything. After that, we can reveal the not so exciting truths.

My parents were kind and accepting but aloof. It really bother NotMexican and he was sure they hated him. I assured him that's not the case, but I'll talk to them. I told my parents that I love him. He's my choice in life. I don't know how things will ultimately pan out, but they better like him or else...

So they chose to like him.

I've been back in Boston for a few days now, settling into my apartment in Beacon Hill. It's all coming along and I can't wait for NotMexican to come visit this weekend!

Now if only this food poisoning would go away...

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Days to Come

I'll get a post up about the dog soon. I wanted to get pictures of her first and those are pending. In the meantime, much has transpired.

I've basically been spending every waking moment outside of the hospital with NotMexican. I move back to Boston in less than 2 weeks and it's finally starting to hit that we won't be able to see each other as often as we'd like.

Though we'll get a bit of a taste when my parents and sister arrive in 3 days. It's my birthday this weekend, so they're coming to celebrate that and father's day along with seeing colorado and helping me pack up to move back.

NotMexican will be at his brother's wedding, but then he'll meet the whole family on Sunday. I'm excited to introduce but I'm very nervous about it too.

It's funny because I've been coaching him a bit on Indian parents and his marketing professor (indian chick) has been coaching him as well. Both of us are basically teaching him how to sell himself to my parents.

Now I never wanted to ask NotMexican to lie... just use his future plans as his current truth. He is not to tell them that he finishing up undergrad at the age of 28. That, he is ok with.

But now... well today... he lost his job.

I am terrified to let my parents know any of this, because they will shoot me before they allow the man in my life to be the "cause" of struggles.

I know everything will be ok... but for now, I'm freaking out!

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Meeting the Parents on date 2?

So I love the holidays, not so much for the obvious gift giving and receiving but moreso for the parties.

I responded to a craigslist ad seeking a date for the company party. Chazz replied. Blond and hot... I don't need more than that.

We bantered a bit back and forth and met for drinks the night before the party. I don't want to count it as a date, but he did pay.

So we chatted, had a good time and agreed that it would be fun to go to this holiday party together.

The next night, he picks me up and off we go.

So he's introducing me to everyone and at one point I coulda swarn he said "mom" to someone. It didn't quite register as I might have been on my third glass of wine, but as the night went on more and more people would kinda be talking about his parents.

I finally ask Chazz if his parents were at the party. He said, "yeah I already introduced you to them." I thought he was kidding, so I asked him to point them out.

He pointed to his father first... the man with whom I had an extensive discussion of whiskey. Then finally his mom, who thankfully I had complimented when I first met her. She was wearing great jewelry.

I'm in shock by this, but my guess is they're just a totally cool family. I don't know if Chazz and I hit it off, but I would jump into his bed in a heartbeat if he wanted.

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thanksgiving

I went home to Boston for Thanksgiving. I was looking forward to it for lazy days, friends and enjoying the city... but I was also nervous about seeing RedSox, going to my high school reunion and inter-acting with the aunt I hate.

It's been almost 6 months since we've seen each other. RedSox and I have spoken sporadically through text and facebook, but that's about it. He asked to hang out so we went to lunch on wednesday. It was like old times. He's super sweet and wonderful. He's lost a lot of weight, too!

I told him I missed him, but I think I may have mis-spoken. I missed "us," but I'm still not sure if we are meant to be.

I've been going to therapy. I've been working on myself. Not much has changed in behavior, but a lot has changed in my way of thinking. Baby steps people.

RedSox has lost weight... and that's about it.

He definitely wants to get back together when I return to Boston in June, but I'm worried that we'll fall right back into old ways.

Then there was my 10 year high school reunion. I didn't have the greatest high school experience, but I certainly didn't have the worst. So I am genuinely happy to see people whether I liked them or not, and I want to know that they're doing well. And of course... Michigan came.

I cannot describe the love, the lust, the dreams and wishes I had for Michigan. I have loved him since the 4th grade. He was everything I wanted in a guy, but he never liked me. I saw him at the reunion and melted. He still looks amazing.

I finally had the courage to say hi. I was hoping we'd chat for a bit and catch up like friends but he seemed uninterested in chatting. He also told me he got married in January...

My best friend says we'll hook up with each other at the 20 year reunion when we realize we hate our spouses... I secretly hope that's true.

As for thanksgiving, well I have a lot to be thankful for. Great career, healthy family, fabulous friends. The aunt I don't like... she had a UTI and left all of us alone.

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M.D.

I graduated yesterday. It was kind of a surreal moment. The past 4 years were quite possibly the worst years of my life. I have felt very little aside from anger, and I just couldn't find a way to diffuse it.

Yesterday, after I received my poster-size diploma I think I finally felt some relief. Though I have many fears about my future, this gigantic piece of paper is Tufts telling me they believe in me.

I wish my parents believed in me though. I think that's where a lot of my anger is sourced. My mom wanted to meet the president of the hospital at the graduation because she was "the person who got me in." That night at a dinner party, my father thanked the chief of radiology for "letting me into their residency program."

My parents are pretty pissed with me at the moment because I've been doing a lot of things without telling them. I secured my apartment in Denver without telling them. I keep making plans in Boston without telling them.

I bought my ticket to Denver for June 1st. I don't even have to be there until June 15th. When my mom asked me why, I lied and said it was to get to know the area. She knows the reality is I can't get away from them fast enough.

I'm trying to channel all of this negative energy into something positive, though. For one, I'm refreshing my memory like crazy to do well for my patients because I get my first patient on June 22nd. Second, I am going to learn spanish. In Peru, I realized I understand the language a lot more than I realized, so it's time to be able to speak back.

Every end has it's new beginning, which will hopefully be better.

Medical school is over. I know I already feel better.

Thank. You. God.

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Quick Relief

 After not being able to shake my anger the following day, I decided the only way to feel better would be to hit my father where it hurts the most... his wallet.

I bought a gorgeous Burberry tote for $500. Instant smile!

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Residency Rage

I think if I bit someone right now, I'd infect them with rage... 

I had my first session with a new therapist on Wednesday to talk about my anger issues. Basically everything is setting me off. If I don't show it on the outside, it's destroying me on the inside. The whole residency process is stressful. I have to keep track of a lot of things, and when my parents get involved, stress skyrockets and anger ensues.

On Wednesday, I laid everything out on the table for my therapist and she feels like learning to deal with my parents is going to be the major focus during our time together. At the end of the session, she told me to try and keep track of things that are getting me angry.

Let me tell you what just happened, since this will probably be the entire focus of my next therapy session.

Today my mom called me on the way home from work. She was in the car with my dad. She was wicked excited on the phone telling me that Denver sent a letter to my parents' house and made me an offer outside of the match for my preliminary year.

Before I reacted I had two questions:

1. Why did Denver send the letter to my parents' address?

2. Why did Dad open mail addressed to me?

I told my mom this was a lot to take in, and I'm working my shift at the gym so I'll call when it's over. At the time that I call, I want her to READ the EXACT words in the letter to me. 

I called Sister and told her the news. She was beyond elated. She kept raving about how exciting this offer is, how I can cancel the rest of my prelim interviews and focus on radiology, how awesome Denver would be for a year, etc etc. 

For the rest of my shift I went over the option with several co-workers, getting their thoughts. I processed the offer, and was getting pretty excited myself. I didn't expect it all. Hell, my 'thank you' letters haven't even arrived in Denver.

I called my mom the second I got home. She tells me dad made a mistake, then reads the letter to me. It was basically a letter saying "thanks for coming, call if you have any questions." At the bottom the residency director hand-wrote "Come to Denver," which I'm sure he writes on all the letters.

This was a courtesy letter, an encouraging letter, but NOT an offer to bypass the Match and join the intern class next year. I was FUMING. I yelled at my mom about dad opening my mail. He should not have done that, nor said anything since he's not in medicine and doesn't know anything about the Match. She, in turn, should not have called me without reading the letter herself.

For the last 2 hours, I was pacing around telling everyone. My co-workers, Sister, RedSox... all these people think I've got an offer in Denver and it turns out I don't. 

I feel embarrassed, upset... bummed out. I am FUMING with anger, I can't really move.

I have plenty of material for my next session with my therapist... and my dad didn't think I needed to see one.

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A Glorious End Nears

I only have to do 8 rotations this year. This means I'll be done with school at the end of February. Match Day is March 19th, so after that I don't see any reason to stay in my apartment anymore.

I have lived in my apartment for about 5 years, and I think what has happened here has taught me a lot about myself and what I need.

I need:

1. a roomate who PAYS the rent and doesn't skip out, leaving it to me.... I had to pay off $1200 from my savings account for Becky.

2. a roomate-with-friend-potential to be honest... not send me a long email listing everything I did that pissed her off over our 2 years living together.

3. a bed that doesn't require a ladder and can fit 2 people

4. a closet

I have loved my place otherwise. I live in one of the best neighborhoods in Boston. I can walk to school, work, my mom's office, the post office, the grocery store, the pharmacy, the gym, Newbury St.

But it's time for a change... a big one... in a big way. I sent my father an email tonight. The man likes to ponder issues, so I figured an email gives him time to process my demands. We communicate the best through emails anyway, and to be perfectly honest (if it isn't already obvious) my father and I are big fans of bullet points.

The email:

A few thoughts on the imminent end of medical school.
1. I am done with school at the end of February. Match Day is the third week of March. At the end of March, i don't see any reason to stay in my apartment. Even if I do my prelim year in Boston, I don't want to live in my place anymore.

2. Sister and I have talked about me living with her in california until graduation. I can also take me step 2 clinical skills exam in LA, so I may avoid the extra expense of flying to Atlanta to take it.

3. Since I never want to live in a place without a closet or proper bed ever again, I will need the $25,000 I gave you a few years ago back. You may keep the profit (or suck up the debt). But since I'll be on my own, I'd like to have the extra cushion.

Love, Roxy

My father wrote back that the money has always been available to me. I don't know how, but I'll figure it out soon enough and get it into the account I know and love.

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Dad and Air Fresheners

The EXACT email cut & pasted here for your reading pleasure:

Hello, I just read an article about the negative effects on health if you inhale Air Freshners even once in a week. I don't know you use it or not regularly. Anyway be aware of the negatives. The article is in MSN. luv dad

I'm not gonna attack the blatant grammar and spelling mistakes. All i'm gonna say is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Gotta love his obsession with MSN articles.

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Dad's dating tips...

... stolen from MSN dating articles.

I've written about this before. My dad is obsessed with dating. He lives vicariously through me like a gossipy girl. When my mom disapproves of my behavior, dad usually loves it.

One of his favorite things to do is read MSN dating/relationship advice. Occasionally he emails an article to me and my sister.

This latest one had me cracking up, so I figured I'd share and offer my opinions as well.

Five Money Questions You Must Ask Your Man

1. How much do you make?
HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ok I'm sorry, but this is a horrible question to flat out ask a guy until you're 100% sure he's the one. If you're smooth, like me, it will most likely come out in random conversation. My advice: If you wanna know, talk about your salary goals then ask his goals. At the very least you'll figure out what he's NOT making.

2. Got any debt?
HAHAHAHA. Ok not as funny as number one, but still. Debt is a sensitive topic for many people. Again, not something to bring up until it's time for marriage because only then will it matter. In the meantime here's my advice: Never date (for marriage) a doctor or lawyer who is within 5 years of graduation. Most graduate with about $200,ooo in debt unless their parents ponied up. In the meantime, let him wine and dine you because it's not your problem.

3. Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?
I like this question, but not on the first date. This is one that should wait until after the honeymoon period. Bail if he plans to go back to school without having a solid savings first.

4. Are we going dutch?
I've made my feelings on this very clear. His answer better be NO or this is the last time he gets to see me. At the same time, make sure he's cool with you being a working gal. It would suck if in the long run you'd have to ask him for money every time you wanted something.

5. How many kids?
HAHAHAHAHA. ok seriously, don't even come close to asking this question until you know there's a chance of a future. Sure kids are expensive, but I think it's better to want the same number of kids rather than worry about the cost of having them. I personally want 1 boy and 1 girl. I'd be happy with just 1 boy. I'd be in for a lot of trouble if I had a girl like myself... financially and emotionally.

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Muscles & Bones

Lunch time chit-chat with mom

mom: so Tom Brady was here today.

Roxy: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Why didn't you call me???!!!!!

mom: I didn't know I should have. 

Roxy: MOM. He is WAAAAY too HOT not to call. Don't do that again!

mom: Should I have called when Mike Lowell and Curt Shilling were here?

Roxy: AHHHHHHHH!!!! YES! Why didn't you?

mom (manipulative tone): Well why don't you do your fellowship in musculoskeletal radiology and then you can be here yourself.

Roxy: ugh.......

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well how bout them apples

Remember my post about the family and apples?... yeah here's another supporting argument.

I'm at the Celtics playoff game last night when I feel my phone vibrate. I see it's my mom, but I let it go to message. At half-time, I listen to the message and she says, "Roxy, call me as soon as you get this."

Though she didn't sound worried, I was worried my dad kicked the bucket with another stroke. I called her right away.

mom: Roxy... I'm drrruuuunk. Can I stay with you?

Me: goodness. I'm at the Celtics game.

mom: whaaaa? So I can come now?

Me: No mom, I'm at the Celtics game.

mom: ok i'll go to the hospital and wait.

About 30 minutes go by and I get another phone call.

mom: Roxy. I'm downstairs. What should I do?

Me: go up to your office and I'll come get you.

mom: Where are you?

Me: I'm at the Celtics game.

mom: what's that?

Me: basketball. I'm coming now.

I get to the hospital about 15 minutes later.

Me: hey mom, how's it going?

mom (stumbling around her office): There was wine and then beer... and then a COGNAC tasting!!

Me: do you need water?

mom: no... I need water.

Me: ok let's go. By the way, I got a cat.

Arrive at my apartment. Sebastien greets us at the door.

Mom: you got a cat?! From where?

Me: a family

Mom: oh. So where did you get him?

Me: from a family

She then sits on the couch and pretty much falls over onto the pillow.... until the next morning.

Me: morning mom.

Mom: oh wow. I can't believe how much I drank last night. HEY! I have 2 different shoes! How did I do that??

Me: you changed into different shoes at your office.

mom: why would I do that? and they're both left shoes!

Me: because you were wasted.

mom: oh... hey where did you get the cat?

Me: from a family

mom: oh... ok I'm gonna go now.

Me: have a good day mom!


AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS WHY & HOW I ROLL....

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Anger Management

When I was about 12 years old I really wanted to go to the Stone Temple Pilots concert. My mom said no, and I threw a fit. I had a bad temper growing up, but I don't remember much of it. I just remember that at this particular moment my blood boiled beyond control and I felt palpitations. The chest pain scared the crap outta me and I made the decision to change my attitude.

Over time I dropped the anger bit, choosing a "No Worries" attitude. Sure the anger would occasionally flare, but it quickly died after I took a deep breath and said, No Worries.

Yesterday with my anger about my father, I had a hard time trying to control it. When my parents picked me up for the party I acted like nothing had happened. The whole car ride to the party, he was extremely irritated, yelling at my mom for her driving, yelling at other drivers.

I've known all along that I get my temper from him, and yesterday we were both a little less in control of it. It was a little bit awkward but we all just wanted to feel normal.

Towards the end of the party I made my move. I didn't yell though. In fact I barely got any words out. I started crying almost immediately after my first sentence, and all I could say was "Please."

I went to the bathroom and got control of myself. We finished up the party and went home. Right before I got outta the car, I tried again. I started crying, but I controlled it better and got out everything I needed to say.

"Dad, I'm convinced you had a TIA. It's a baby stroke, but nonetheless it's a STROKE. You need to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes every day and take care of yourself for us. Mom needs you. Sister needs you. I need you. You do this for us. Please. I'm sorry I don't say I love you everyday but I do. Live for us."

It was tough and I hope it hit home with him. He may not be the best example of a human being, but he is a great father. He makes money grow on trees. He gives us whatever we want (after a bit of a fight). He takes care of the family.

He needs to give me many more years of No Worries or I'll be pissed.

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TIA

Transient Ischemic Attack... I think my father had one last night. It's like a baby stroke. I know most kids would be freaking out, upset, crying, emotionally wrecked and flying home to be with their parents, but I'm chillin in my apartment.

For one thing I didn't even know my father went to the hospital last night, the one at the bottom of my street. Nope, no one called me because they didn't want to wake me up.

HELLO?? Did I mention I can roll down the street to the emergency room?

Second, having not known what was going on I didn't really have an opportunity to have emotions about it until I get a text this morning saying "dad is ok." wtf? My sister across the country got a call but me... 5 mins away... didn't.

I got the full history and it sounded like what happened to me when I got a mild concussion, but my dad didn't experience any head trauma. Lab work and imaging checked out... maybe a tiny infarct in the posterior cerebellum which is perfectly consistent with the story my mom gave me.

And he was sent home, which I don't like, but I can't come up with a reason for admission.

Anyways, I'm seeing my parents tonight for a party. Why would he come to a party after a possible TIA? I don't have a good answer, but I'm pretty sure he wants to feel normal and mom doesn't want to leave him alone. Since the party will be filled with doctors, I am ok with it.

I'm just hoping the calm I feel as I write this doesn't explode into anger (which hands down it will) when I discuss a diet and exercise plan along with a baby aspirin once per day and letting me come to his stress test on monday so I can read the EKGs myself.

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The Sick Cycle

I think I've mentioned I've been sick on every single rotation this year. Twice on Medicine... Three times if you count food poisoning. It's not fun, and frankly I'm tired of it.

Part of it I can't control. I'm in the freaking hospital, surrounded by sick people. I am bound to catch something.

The other part I can. I could stop biting my nails (which I'm sure is the true reason). I could eat better.

My father is convinced it's because I don't cover my neck. Since I was a child, he stressed the importance of covering one's neck. No matter how or when I got sick, the next day HE would be wearing a scarf around his neck 24/7 and boast "see... I'm not sick because I'm wearing a scarf."

This made no sense to me, and we have fought over it several times. And every time it ends up being the same argument that somehow ends in a touche when one of us has knicked the other in the shoulder.

Let's take the most recent fencing session at Easter dinner, where I'm having coughing fits left and right.

"Roxy, you know you wouldn't keep getting sick if you just covered your neck"

"Dad, you know I wouldn't keep getting sick if I wasn't in medical school."

"How would being in medical school give you food poisoning? HA"

"How would wearing a scarf have prevented food poisoning? HA! HA!"

Silence.

Then we just turned our attention back to the television.

Until next time....

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Dad and the Internet

So I get this email from my father today:

Roxy,
These days employers ( Residency , Internship, Landlords ----- ) check the prospective candidates in Face Book, My Space, etc. Your picture with a bottle (Beer) is not a presentable one to a future employer. Employers prefer conservative looks and conservative dressing. Dad

So I changed my picture, one where I cropped off the champagne glass, and then replied to my father's email:

Dad,
I changed my picture, but I only look presentable when drinking.
Love, Roxy

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The Apple fell straight down from the Tree

Me: Hey dad, I've been calling mom's cell but she's not picking up.

Dad: She's at a bar.

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