when I'm the conversation piece

When people talk about you behind your back, do you ever get enraged and say something along the lines of "they should say that to my face!!!"?

I don't.

I'd rather people talk behind my back and then smile and wave... heck even be my friend to my face. (This is probably why Los Angeles is such a refresher)

I really don't want to know what peoples' personal opinions of me are unless they bear any weight on grades and money. Why?

Well there are a couple of reasons. 1. It most likely will not inspire me to change my behavior. 2. It will really hurt my feelings, probably leading to paranoia.

Today I was sitting in the computer room looking up some stuff to present on morning rounds because I've been having a pretty crappy experience on my latest block and really wanted to impress tomorrow.

Last week, the attending completely ignored me. He even cut off a funny (medically relevant) story I was telling. This week I've been suffering from some form of laryngitis, and I'm purposefully trying NOT to talk too much because it hurts... plus overall I'm just exhausted.

But I pushed myself today. I know I haven't been an "honors" student, but I really want to be. So I looked up a ton of stuff today and I'll be making three presentations tomorrow.

I was pumping myself up in that computer room, getting really excited when I hear "So, I hear your med student sucks." This was immediately followed by a high-pitched "Oh my God she's right there!!" and subsequent uncontrollable laughter from my resident.

I didn't look up right away. I don't think it registered. Then I turned around. My resident was laughing and making some gestures towards me which I'm hoping were the "it's not true" gestures. The guy who made the comment was calmly sitting at a table writing his note.

I turned back around, choosing to focus on what I was doing. But as the day wore on, I couldn't help but wonder if my team really does think I suck.

I know I don't answer every question correctly, but sometimes I've nailed some toughies.

I wonder if they can tell how high my anxiety level is when I'm talking.

I wonder if they think I'm lazy because I'm only carrying 2 patients (when the resident told me right off the bat that she only wants me to have 2).

I wondered a lot of things... but nothing struck as strong of a chord as wondering if I suck.

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Speak

Friday night, I went out Redsox's 30th birthday. I hadn't been feeling particularly well most of the week, but my intense minced garlic/vitamin c regimen had kept whatever illness at bay.

As expected, we had a great time in our suite at the celtics game then on to a bar for plenty of drinking. RedSox was looking to get drunk... and boy did he. The bartender poured whiskey straight out of the bottle into his mouth. When we got home, he immediately went to the bathroom. Puked and passed out.

Being the good girl-friend, I occasionally kicked him and asked if he was alive. Mumblings of undecipherable language told me he was just fine.

I thought I was just fine too. I barely drank, knowing I would be taking care of him. But the next morning I couldn't speak. My throat was hurting quite a bit and any attempt to talk was painful.

So I whispered as loudly as I could when I needed to say something, but mostly I sat in silence. Watched tv in silence, studied in silence, avoided phone calls knowing that I would be silent on my end.

I never realized how much I liked to talk (let's not comment on what I have to say), until I couldn't. I'll tell you one thing though, my hand-writing is looking much purtier.

Come Sunday night I was telling OleMiss about my weekend online. At the end of our conversation I told him, "by the way, I can't even speak because of laryngitis."

His reply, "wow. You just became the perfect woman."

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The Inevitable

We have a big class meeting next week to get going with residency planning. I've been looking into doing away rotations at other schools, and it got me thinking about RedSox.

He wants me to stay in Boston. I want to try a new city. He sees us together forever. I see fog, and it's scary.

I went out Saturday night with med school people and got hammered. I flirted, danced and loved it. I loved it so much that I contemplated breaking up with RedSox on Sunday.

He picked me up to watch the Pats game and we had a great time together, so I dropped the idea of a break-up. I do love RedSox, but it's becoming more of a brother-sister love on my end. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, but I wonder if I am being selfish by staying in a romantic relationship with him.

I know in the end we will probably not remain together, so I wonder if it is wrong to enjoy good times as much as possible until then. An amicable break-up due to circumstance (ie. residency in NYC or Chicago) is better than breaking up now without a really good reason.

Plus it would just be downright cruel with his 30th bday coming up in a few days and Valentine's Day just a couple weeks later right?

Honestly, THIS is why I don't like relationships.

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The Major Con of Internal Medicine

Maybe I lucked out for the past 6 months. Maybe 2008 is a bad year for the rooster. One thing is for sure. This has not been the best start to the new year.

I couldn't believe how nice people were on medicine, like SUPER nice.... the anti-surgery. What I sorta knew but didn't want to believe was how hard internal medicine doctors work. Now I have to live it.

I worked 13 hours last saturday, 5 hours on Sunday and 16 hours just two days ago. I could not wait for the weekend. RedSox was on vacation with his family. He is back today and I just wanted to be with him all weekend, watching dvds and relaxing.

I spent majority of the afternoon waiting to be dismissed. At around 5:30 my intern told me to go home. I did the obligatory and fake "are you sure there's nothing else I can do?" Ready to bolt, I just needed to hear the ok when she said "Nope, I'll see you Sunday."

I didn't move. Sunday? What? Are you freaking kidding me? I just had a black weekend!! My classmate hasn't worked a single weekend day, nor has she stayed passed 7pm on a regular workday!!!!

I calmly questioned the Sunday bit, and she said med students follow the intern schedule. She has to work on Sunday and be prepared because it's going to be another 13 hour day. Faking enthusiasm, I told her I'd see her Sunday.

Then I cried the entire walk home... and because it's raining, no one noticed.

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Cheating Lessons from the Mafia

I felt annoyed when I heard about a new show called Cashmere Mafia, about 4 successful women who are best friends. It seemed like it was gonna be a stupid financial twist on Sex & the City. There is only ONE Sex & the City as far as I am concerned, and I thought this show was going to try to steal its thunder.

Well after watching tonight's episode I'm sure it won't, but I still thought it was decent.

I certainly did love one thing that happened. One of the successful woman has a husband who is cheating on her. Her friends found out and told her.

1. If my man is cheating on me, I'd like to know.

She was going to wear a boring dress to go out that same night where she would be with him. They made her wear a sexy red dress.

2. Make sure I get a new dress... sexy, expense and charged to his account.

While out, she whispered to her husband that she knew.

3. Pause after dropping the bomb...

She asked him to take a look around, because she was going to sleep with one of the men in the room. When would be unknown. Who would be unknown.

4. Honesty is the best policy.

Then she would end the affair and they would start over as husband and wife.

5. Certain sacrifices must be made, but it's for the best.

I honestly think this is exactly how I would handle someone cheating on me, and I think it's fantastic.

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Breaking Resolutions

It's no secret I hate the phone. That's why I decided to make calling people my new year's resolution.

I didn't call anyone to wish them a happy new year on the first. I didn't even answer calls when people called me.

On the 2nd, after a looooong first day back in the hospital I just wanted to go home and sleep. I was determined though. I had to call someone. So I flipped open my cell and realized that I have a lot of phone numbers in my phone.

Most of the people I haven't talked to in years. I'm not even sure I'd call them friends anymore. I picked one and gave her a call. She didn't pick up, and her voicemail was just a voice that repeated the number I just called. I couldn't tell if it was her or not, but left a message anyways.

Seriously? What the hell is the point of repeating the phone number I just called as your message? Why wouldn't you say your name? Seriously?

The second person I called didn't pick up either, so I left her a message as well. Not wanting to feel like I didn't accomplish anything with this resolution, I gave my best friend a call. She didn't pick up either, but I justified that one by assuming she was taking care of her newborn baby.

I don't feel defeated, but no one has called me back. It just makes me want to not call anyone. How crappy would that be to break my resolution after only a few days, though?

I think I'll do what majority of the people at my gym will do. I'll give it a month and then maybe quit.

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