The Bitchiest Thing I have ever Done

happened Tuesday, and you all know about it.

I told Roomate that her move upset me. I told that I couldn't believe she never talked to me. I asked her for an apology.

She refused, and I went off.

After I yelled at Roomate and threw a $750 check in her face to get her out by Saturday, I immediately regretted it. I regretted yelling at her because I'm not that type of person, so I went back into her room and apologized. I told her that I felt hurt. I told her that I didn't want her to move out. All I got in response was "ok." I told her she didn't have to be out by Saturday and she could take her time moving.

I also said she could still cash that check if she wanted because I just don't care anymore.

IDIOT!!

Still heated and distraught and stressed and upset, I took action and cancelled the check.

The next day I called the bank and they told me that it takes 24 hours for a stop payment to happen, so if she cashes the check it will go through. At that point I figured if she cashes the check, I deserve it.

Lucky for me, she didn't try to cash the check until yesterday.

After a very busy day in the OR, I checked my messages. Roomate had called to say that she tried to cash the check but the bank said there was a stop-payment. Whether it is a mistake or not, she'd like me to write her a new one.

The guilt fell on me immediately. I knew that even though I told her she could take her time, she absolutely wanted to be completely moved out by the end of the day on saturday. I knew that I should have told her I put a stop payment on the check.

But that's not why I felt guilty. What made me feel the worst was the fact that despite the complete bitchiness of my move, I just don't care. I am so numb to the whole situation. My feelings had been disregarded, and my anger got the best of me. I made a dick move and I don't feel bad about it.

Roomate confronted me when I walked in the door. I told her I changed my mind and she can take her time moving out. She pretty much had a heart attack. She told me that my behavior was appalling. She is going to put a lock on her door and let the landlord know.

I told her "ok"

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The Trouble with Twins

I am a Gemini... a classic, straight-up, word for word in the horoscope Gemini. For the most part I love it, but there are always times when the twins just need to shut the f*ck up.

As you all know I have been extremely upset about my roomate situation. I was hurt and angry. I felt abandoned. I didn't understand. What went wrong?

I kept going from one extreme to the next. It's her fault. It's my fault. No way, it's her fault. Ultimately I acted on one extreme. The extreme being it's her fault. I wanted her out by the end of the day on Saturday. GONE.

She paid for September out of selfish reasons. The evil twin was 100% sure.

I hashed it out with Roomate this evening, and she is convinced she paid for September to give me time to find a roomate and reduce my stress.

Oops... says the good twin.

In the heat of my anger, the evil twin cut her a $750 check to make sure she is out by Saturday. In the despair of the aftermath, the good twin wanted to apologize.

I listened to both arguments and I came to the conclusion that what's done is done. She is moving out. I am being childish.

I apologized and told her that she could take her time.

The evil twin called me a pussy... and the evil twin is correct.

"I may be a pussy, but I am not a complete idiot", says the good twin.

I apologized AND I cancelled the check.

Both twins are happy again.

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Question

If you're roomate gives you 2 weeks notice that she is moving out September 1st but says "don't worry, I will pay for september," doesn't that mean she is paying because it is kind and the right thing to do?

I told Roomate on Sunday that I wanted to iron out some details of her move. She avoided me Sunday and Monday, so I wrote her an email asking that she leave her keys under the door when she is finished on Saturday. I also told her that her friend taking the bureau should take it by the end of the day saturday.

I get a livid phone message saying that she has the right to take her time moving out all september long because she is paying for the room. Now I can understand that point of view, but why should I assume that?

So basically I wrote a long-winded email relaying ALL of my feelings. I told her I am very uncomfortable with people coming in and out of the apartment when I am not there. I told that I asked to speak with her in person so we wouldn't have to deal with all of this by email. I told her exactly what I have been telling her all along. COMMUNICATE!

I don't understand why I am the only person asking to talk or making attempts to figure things out. I called her selfish. I called her a liar. I called her out on her "kindness."

She said that if I expect her to be gone by the end of the day on Saturday then I should give her the $750 rent that she paid. I am strongly considering it. It would be undeniably cruel, but it would guarantee my safety and MY place for september.

Thoughts?

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The Ever-Burning Torch

My summer after graduating college was coming to an end. I had just moved into my apartment in Beacon Hill, and I was ready to truly experience downtown Boston. I went out with my boys, but the cock-blocking was beyond manageable.


I needed girl-friends and I needed them fast!

I put up a post on craigslist looking for some Sex & the City friends, which gave me 30 responses. Some were out of the age range, others had far too different (ie: boring) interests and a few actually wanted to date me.

Several meet-ups ended a friendship before it could begin. I just couldn't find someone who fit in my niche... that is... until I made plans to meet up with a couple of girls at TGI Fridays.

That is where we lit the flame.

Torch and Ruby were pretty new to Boston. They had graduated the same year as me. They were working and looking to get to know the city. I was working and knew the city pretty well. We clicked and off we ran.

Dates, drinks, dancing and devilish behavior ensued... it was nothing but a blast.

4 years later it still is a blast, and Torch is still running... now to another city.
She is another one of the girlz who has made the decision to leave Boston. She and A-train are off to Seattle. A new job, a new start, another chapter in her journey.

I'll miss her, just as I miss all the other girlz who have left... but I'm sure I'll see those flames again.

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I can't fix it if I don't know it is broken

Roomate and I are officially ex-friends. She informed me by email today. She didn't want to say anything, but I pushed it so she told me her true feelings. She starts out by saying she has tried not to say anything but now she feels she has to.

Well that's a good start...

Bullet Points:
- I bailed on her as a friend when I started dating RedSox
- When I ask her to hang out, it's almost always when she is going to be away
- I invite her to RSVPed events last minute, making her feel like a last resort
- I am so consumed with my own world and everything happening with RedSox
- I only contact her when I want something

Some of the stuff is true. I bailed on her a few times to hang out with RedSox. I apologized and made alternate plans. She never said anything, so I thought my apology was accepted.

When I ask her to hang out, it's because I'm making an effort. I don't really know what to say, but she never said anything... so I had no idea.

I definitely have invited her to promo events last minute after having already RSVPed. I RSVP to everything whether I'm going or not. ALL of my friends know I like to be on the list just in case... and because it's just smart. I invite last minute, because I decide last minute. She never said anything, so it was news to me that she felt like a last call.

I admit to having tunnel-vision. I get consumed with one major life-altering moment at a time, be it medical school, the boards, surgery, etc. RedSox is incredibly patient and a HUGE help... the same way Roomate's boyfriend put up with her law school drama. She blew off ALL her friends and NEVER went out to social events, rarely called people back. I think we're both consumed with our own worlds, which is probably why we got along.

I do NOT only contact Roomate when I want something, unless you count me wanting to know how her first day at her internship went or how her trip to sweden was or how she is doing. Maybe she missed my instant messages wishing her well or my emails asking how things are going.

I guess it's a lesson to me and all of you who read this. If you truly care about your friend, you will tell them how you feel before it is too late. You will not let things build up. You will not let things "get out of hand and try not to say anything"... as she wrote in her email.

I told Roomate I had no idea things had elevated to the extent she conveyed in her email. I told her I wish she had told me, because then I could have worked on things and corrected them sooner.

I can't believe I sat her down last Saturday to talk and she didn't bring this stuff up. I made an effort. Unfortunately it was too late and what has broken will stay broken.

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Placate and Reciprocate, don't Berate

Just when I thought things were on the up, I had to go ahead and get slapped in the face again.

Yesterday my presentation went well. A few surgeons complimented me, and I was feeling good. My classmates and I divided up the mandatory cases and off we went. I had a couple hours before my case, so I took the time to study and "intelligently" prep for the case. You'll get the quotations in a second.

On the way down to the OR, I get a page telling me that one of the chief residents is extremely angry with me for not going to cases in the morning. I can't help but think, What the F? No other OR case was mandatory.

This chief is a total Jekyll and Hyde with us. Our first day he told us to make the most of our time, to learn and get involved in a way that works best for us. I personally told him last week that the OR doesn't work for me, and he told me that I need to find a more intelligent way to prep and get involved when I do go to the OR.

THAT IS WHAT I WAS DOING! I read up on recent studies so that I could ask the surgeon about them. IT WORKED! I had a great conversation and better learning experience during my case.

When I run into the chief later, he tells me that the OR is our #1 priority and we should be there ALL the time. So much for learning the way that works the best for me.

I'm feeling frustrated, but I guess this is the life of a third year med student and I just need to shut up and take it.

Now, while all this is going on, something else is brewing with Roomate.

My memory is shot. My priority is making sure I remember what to do at the hospital and what I have to study. So when I emailed Roomate asking her if she wanted to try a double-date or have a fondue-night this weekend, I'm expecting nothing but a positive response to my attempt at mending our friendship.

Instead I get a curt response saying, "You know I'm gone this weekend right?"

I immediately replied saying, "wow... sorry.. i need to get my head on straight.
Yes you are gone thursday evening until monday/tuesday. I apologize."

Her reply, "No, I think I have told you several times, but I get back Sunday."

Some of you might be reading this as completely harmless emailing, but I felt a very cold and rude vibe from her replies.

I emailed her back.

I told her that it was a momentary memore lapse and I just ran with my excitement about hanging out. I told her about getting berated at the hospital. I told her that I am stressed beyond belief. I told her I would appreciate a little more sensitivity towards my feelings.

I don't know what to say right now. I'm not even sure how I feel. I approached her on Saturday night about moving out and our friendship. I thought everything was cool. I made the attempt to make plans to hang out. I don't like to complain, but I feel like I am doing all the work to mend our relationship.

Honestly, I don't think she wants to be my friend. It's pretty sad and disheartening... and now I'm off to the OR with another red cheek.

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Phew!

Plenty has been resolved since the chaos of yesterday morning. My sister called and told me exactly how to do my presentation. A friend of mine who had done a similar presentation sent me his to check out. Phew!

Roomate and I had a good and long discussion last night. I initiated it because I would hate to let a great friendship of 2 years end without really knowing why. I told her what bothered me and she told me what bothered her. We both recognized our shortcomings and apologized. Now things are great and back to normal. Phew!

As for the search for a new roomate. I've decided that I don't want one. (This of course could change once Roomate leaves). For now, though, I think a good step in the direction of taking care of myself is to make sure I can actually take care of my living space. For far too long I have relied on roomates to pick up my slack, and I shouldn't do that anymore.

Let's see how this goes...

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Does my face say "slap me"?

This week ended with a hellish bang. Yesterday I was slapped with a presentation to do at grand rounds on Wednesday (a big deal that includes ALL attendings, residents, etc). I freaked out because I've never done this before, but I know it will be good practice for my oral presentation at the end of surgery... a day I wish was yesterday.

To cool off I went to the sox game with a couple of colleagues, Torch and A-train, and of course RedSox. We had a great time and once again, I was pretty drunk after one glass of wine... but I still had a second glass just to seal the deal.

RedSox left for Chicago this morning, and I went home. Just as I was about to enter my apartment building, Roomate called. I told her I was about to walk in, so I went to straight to her room.

She tells me that she's moving out at the end of the month (12 days).

I felt like I had been slapped in the face. We haven't had the best relationship since she came back from Sweden. I've been at the hospital. She has been at her internship. On the weekends I am with RedSox and she is with her boyfriend. I figured things would get better once she started back up with school.

I tried not to flip out. She told me she would pay rent until October. That's fine, but I don't have time to replace her. I asked her for help looking for a new roomate, so she agreed to come up with a CL ad but I should be the one to interview people. Great. I have one hour between coming home and going to sleep. That is exactly what I want to do with my time... especially when I need to study.

I went to my mom's office to start preparing my presentation. I called my parents and broke down. I hate crying, but I just can't take this anymore.

My parents told me not to get a new roomate or even think about it until surgery is done. If I want to live alone, I can. My mom actually wants me to live alone so she can sleepover occasionally. I felt better.

My sister called me and gave me an exact outline for my presentation. How to present, what to say, everything. Phew!

Now that I have calmed down enough to think, I can't help but still feel like I'm getting slapped in the face. There is still a long road ahead of me and my group of friends is dwindling.

I think I need an ice pack.

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Being Ignored

Do you ever notice how the second a guy stops paying attention to woman he is suddenly desirable? How the unavailable guy is more interesting? I always wonder why women get so caught up in needing and wanting the attention.

Now don't get me wrong. Mama LOOOOOVES attention. I enjoy the stares, the gawks, the undressing me with their eyes. I can't get enough of it.

BUT... I'm a predator. If a man doesn't pay me enough attention, whether it's one night at a bar or after several dates, he might as well not exist. If it's because he is shy and awkward, that sucks for him. If it is because he is hoping it will give him an edge, then he is going to attract needy women.

I'm pretty simple. Give me attention if you want to date me. Call me, email me, communicate. Because if you don't communicate OR you don't respond to my attempts (and trust me I don't try that hard), then you're on the way out.

I say this because RedSox has been paying less attention lately, not ridiculously so, but I have noticed fewer emails and a lack of the daily phone call. There could be a number of reasons (stress, surgery clerkship, business sales) from both of our ends.

BUT... I am a predator. I feel like I've already got a lot on my plate, so why should I even be caring about this?

Maybe I care because RedSox is not just one night at a bar or just a few dates. Maybe I'm not such a predator after all.

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Better Off Alone

I don't think I am relationship material. More and more lately I miss going out, flirting with whomever and trying to hook my friends up. I can't do that anymore... not while in a relationship.

Last night, I went out with a couple of med school friends. I'm half-way through surgery and others had finished a 6 week block. It was party time. I was really happy because I never get to go out anymore. Either I'm tired or anyone I ask is not in the mood.

When Madge asked me to meet up for drinks, I was excited! We were going to a popular place where there were tons of guys and great dancing...

But I had RedSox with me. He is not much of a dancer, so that kinda puts me out of the mood. He wasn't feeling very social, so that again puts me out of the mood.

I finally perked up when my girl Ems wanted a guy. She was being shy and that immediately gave me a mission: I'm gonna hook Ems up. It turned out the guy she wanted was a buddy of one of our friends.

Perfect! I jumped in between the two and started chatting up our friend. That left the guy wide open for Ems to come in. She was holding back so I decided to introduce them. I had to keep our friend away, though, so I kept chatting with him.

RedSox did not like this at all. He took it as me flirting away with another man and got super jealous.

I hate jealousy. I do not flirt with other men to make my man jealous. I flirt with other men to get their friends to flirt with my friends.

I explained this to RedSox, but his feelings had already been hurt. He didn't get it and accused me of being too drunk. That is when I lost it.

There was no screaming match. I'm never interested in public battles. I didn't say goodbye to anyone. I just walked out of the bar and headed back towards his car. He followed. Neither one of us said a word until we got back to his place. I jumped into bed, and that's when he asked if we could talk.

We had a good discussion. I understood his view, and what things looked like to him. I hope he understood my view. I guess we resolved everything. I don't quite remember the convo.

But the whole experience just fuels my desire to go back to being single.

As much as I love RedSox, the thought of being alone doesn't upset me. I have never wanted a boyfriend. I have never needed a relationship.

PLUS, I don't know where residency is going to take me, but I know I'm hoping for NYC, Chicago, DC or Seattle... not Boston.

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Behind a face mask

Most of my patients are in their 40s or above, so when I saw a mid-twenties male on my OR schedule today I was secretly excited, hoping he would be hot.

There is very little eye candy at my hospital, and I desperately wanted a hottie to brighten my day.

The Lord answered my prayers. MetMan was gorgeous. Totally the preppy JCrew type. PERFECT for me. The only thing that could have made him better looking is blond hair. (But then I don't know if I could have controlled myself in the pre-op area).

I spent PLENTY of time doing my history and physical exam. I helped wheel him into the operating room, and I stood by his side as he went under general anesthesia. I am SUCH an awesome medical student.

We did a little work on his upper body, but then it was time to move down. Suddenly he was naked. This is pretty normal in the OR and everyone moved about doing their job. I observed like a good medical student... smiling the entire time.

Thank God for the face mask.

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Just end already

I am tired of being tired. Today I essentially did nothing and it was well-needed and fantastic... except for the occasional panic that I didn't study.

I did have sex today. Finally. It was pretty good, but I didn't get off... no surprise. RedSox and I used the vibrating condom that we bought over a month ago. It turned out to be a re-usable vibrating cock ring, so I guess it's good that we can try again.

Afterwards, we were relaxing and watching tv. I turned to him and thanked him for dinner last night and lunch today.

RedSox thanked me for the sex. I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it hit me that we barely have sex. I am never in the mood (even today). I used to go crazy if more than a day went by when I didn't get laid!

Tonight I celebrated a good friends birthday. Afterwards everyone was going to a club to dance. I'm home because I am exhausted.

I keep trying to tell myself that life will get better. There will be a time when I can smile again. There will be a day when I can honestly say I am happy. This whole med school process is temporary. It will be worth it in the end...

Could this please just end already?

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