Struggling

I'm gonna take a break from talking about wedding/bachelorett/marriage stuff to talk about the every day of my life... work.

I'm into my third year after graduating medical school, second year of radiology residency, and I'm really having a hard time.

I mean I'm getting it. Like I can make findings, point out the fractures, appendicitis, blood clots and what not. But I still feel so inadequate.

And I'm struggling with stuff I know!

Yesterday I took my in-service exam. It's the annual exam that we all have to take to "check our learning progress." I know this exam doesn't count for anything, but I still try to take it seriously.

Then what happens? I make the same mistakes I made last year. I narrow it down to two answers, and choose the wrong one. Or I pick the right answer, then doubt myself and change it.

I know I could know more, and I don't want to be a complainer, but I am just so tired. I am so jealous of my coworkers who didn't know the answer either but chose the right one.

I hate feeling judged based on this stuff. I hate feeling panicked because I worry other people think I'm not smart. I hate the constant reminder, (which yes I realize is me and not anyone else) that I'm never going to be good enough.

I'm 30, and I still feel like I'm not an adult.

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Work Projects

I don't know how many of you have group projects at work, but my residency class (10 of us) have been assigned to make a video for the end of the year dinner. We were told about this video in July 2010.

Flashback to middle school and high school where we made videos with our friends. Except this time, nobody is interested in doing it.

Having seen prior videos that the other classes have done, I know how big of a deal this is for all the attending physicians. They love to be in the video and they love to be made fun of. They're expecting a funny, good show.

Knowing this, I kept a notepad of ideas that people came up with throughout the year.

Flash forward to January (6 months later) when I send out a mass email to my fellow residents telling them to start thinking about writing scripts and what they'd like to do. In this email, I included a list of all the ideas I had written down over the year as people came up with them.

No one replied.

Flash forward to the end of February (another 2 months later) when the new chief residents are announced and they have a brief sit-down meeting with us to tell us it would be a good idea to get started since filming and EDITING take a very long time.

So I ask everyone to stay a few minutes longer after the meeting to start discussing script-writing. I suggest everyone pick one of the ideas or come up with their own and write a script.

One of my co-residents states that she doesn't have time because she is planning her wedding.

Hmm... so am I.

So I write a skit, then one of my other co-residents writes a skit (yes! 1 person on board)... everyone likes both scripts and thinks they're enough.

Uh... did I mention this video is expected to be 30 minutes... you know, the average time of the average television show written, produced and directed in hollywood?

So then I lay low for a while and work on a couple more skits and ideas and start filming MY skits. This gets people a little interested.

Then lay low again.

Finally 2 weeks ago, a third resident jumps on board and writes a few scripts.

So now 3 out of the 10 of us start filming.

Flash forward to now. We have less than 1 month before the dinner. People finally panic.

My skits are all filmed. They do need work editing, though.

Will it get done? Abso-freakin-lutely.

Will it be good? prolly not

Will I care? DEFINITELY not

Anyone else hate group projects? Raise your hand.

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Further Improvement and more work to do.

NotMexican came for the Presidents Day long weekend. He was originally supposed to go back on Sunday, but since he no longer has his job... he stayed longer.

Don't freak out. This is great news.

NotMexican threw his resumes out there for a corporate position at one of the major American car companies, and they took a bite.

The phone interview turned into an in-person interview, which turned into a job offer!

When NotMexican gave his notice to his current boss... he was told to go immediately for being ungrateful.

So not true people... this boss was malignant.

And now I'm learning, this boss was also a major player in NotMexican's mood, attitude and overall negative aura.

Because this weekend together was awesome! He was happier, less stressed and we only had one little tiff that was quickly resolved.

NotMexican will be moving out of Denver and to Michigan for his new position. It's not Boston, but it's closer and in an east coast time zone.

We're gettin there!

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Tell me about a stressful situation and how you handled it

Don't you hate these type of interview questions? Twisting something negative into a positive?

Well since I'm probably going to be asked this question when I transition from residency/fellowship to a real job, I've got the PERFECT ANSWER.

"well sir/mama... on more than one occasion there have been snow storms and winter weather alerts in the city of Boston. Since I happen to live across the street from the hospital, increased patient care and resident responsibilities are often bestowed upon me.

I handled these challenges and stressors with vigilence (LIE) and happiness (LIE). I saw the positive opportunities in leadership and peer-dependency (LIE). I also knew I could never abandon patients in times of needs (TRUTH).

I took the hippocratic oath and honor my vows to the death! (DRAMATIC PAUSE... maybe even draw a sword)

Thank you"

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Nurses are NOT doctors

So one of my friends posted this article on facebook.

http://www.philly.com/inquirer/business/20100808_Nurses_who_are_doctors.html#ixzz0w85yHIRJ

Read it at your leisure, and let me know what you think.

Here's what I think:

Nurses are NOT doctors. Podiatrists are NOT doctors. Optometrists are NOT doctors. A lot of people with a "doctorate" are NOT doctors.

Doctors should only be called doctor if they have an M.D. a MEDICAL degree.

I wrote this post years ago during my third year of medical school ranting about hating nurses. I have since changed my mind as I have had the opportunity to work with GREAT nurses.

And while I appreciate nurse practitioners taking on more responsibility for decision-making, the fact is that the physician (the M.D. doctor) has the final say... and is ultimately the one who will get sued.

Calling anyone else a doctor confuses the crap out of patients, and speaking from first-hand experience, many patients are not the brightest.

I don't like wearing a white coat. I don't need anyone to call me doctor. In fact, it still shocks me when people do. I am a team-player like every physician in every hospital should be.

I don't want to confuse my patient. It's bad enough that they have 20+ medications to take on a daily basis. They should not have 20+ people to call doctor.

Doctor = a high school diploma + a bachelors degree + a medical degree from an accredited 4 year medical school

And even though at that point one earns the title of doctor, one is not officially done until he/she has completed the following: 3 or more years of an accredited residency program + 1-2 years of fellowship if specializing + PASSING the USA board exam(s).

I'm a doctor. I don't feel the need take ownership of that title for myself, but I do feel the obligation to take ownership of that title for excellent patient care.

It's not about hierarchy. It's about doing the job you're doing AS PART OF A TEAM to give the best patient care. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, technician, patient transporter or flower delivery person in the hospital... your focus is (or should be) SOMEONE ELSE.

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oops my mistake

sorry about the last post and the freak out. NotMexican is in fact still employed. I somehow interpreted his venting about his boss and their meeting as being let go... when in fact he is still employed.

Next post... GINGER!

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Winding Down

My year in Denver is coming to a close. I've got one month left and it's gonna be crazy busy.

I've secured my apartment back in Boston. I'll be back in Beacon Hill, and I got a great deal for a 1 bedroom. The realtor was kind of a douchebag and relatively incompetant in my opinion, but I had to go through him to get this place. BTW, I had NO IDEA that a realtor fee in Boston would be an entire month's rent. So heinous... but in the long run still a good deal.

NotMexican has already booked his trip for 4th of July, so I'll only go a week without him, which should give me plenty of time to fix up my place. It's now my turn to book a trip in advance to come back to colorado to visit him... but I'm feeling hesitation.

I know that if I book the trip, I'm truly comitted to making this relationship work. And I've never been truly committed to making any relationship work. I still haven't told RedSox about him because I think it's rude to break that kind of news over facebook, email or text. I'm just overall feeling nervous I guess.

Plus I'm kind of down about work. My year of internal medicine didn't go as well as I hoped. I can't fake enthusiasm and in a female dominant field, the attendings made it very clear that they did not like my lack of interest. My only goal was/is to take care of patients, and for the most part I think I did as well as any other intern. I'm kind of annoyed that I was targeted for lacking enthusiasm when I know all my other co-preliminary interns had the same attitude... but fortunately for them... they had male advisors.

So much to do and hopefully this last month will fly. Of course, I'll be keeping you posted on the drama to ensue once I return to the Bean.

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Sucked In

I started my new rotation on Monday, pediatric radiology. It was the compromise I reached with my mom since she desperately wants me to become a radiologist... and I like genetics.

Since Monday, I have had several radiologists sit me down and tell me why I need to go into radiology. The pediatric radiologist went on and on about how great pedi rads is and how there's a desperate need for pedi radiologists and how I would make bank in private practice.

The neuroradiologist told me how she was just like me... not a memorizer, engineer, etc... I would totally understand the brain and how it would look when diseased (let me tell you, I still don't know what a normal brain looks like on imaging).

And then there is O. O did his residency and fellowship at my mom's hospital. O tracks me down everyday with a new reason why I should do radiology. Yesterday was only day 3 and he dragged me around a cocktail party to introduce me to all the important department chairs and heads.... and the residency director.

I'll admit I'm getting sucked in. I may not get the patient contact I love as a radiologist, but I have seen some really cool cases. My favorite (yet painful for the patient) was the story of the kid who got testicular torsion after his friend chucked an onion at his package... and well... his balls twisted from the impact.

Ok reality check. I have kept my step 1 board score a secret because I'm embarrassed by it. I am tired of being judged by a number every four years. I know a major reason I have avoided radiology is because many hospitals have a cut off board score... and mine is way below it. I don't have the confidence in my application to get a residency in that field, so I found genetics... an up and coming field that will accept me because they "need" me more than I need them.

Last night I reached a new compromise with my mom. She will talk to the chief of the department and ask him what he thinks my chances are. If he says I may apply to my mom's hospital, I will and rank it first... but the rest of my applications are for genetics.

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GLAMOROUS!

Anxiety hit it's peak Thursday night. I had a crazy weekend coming up with a big fashion event Friday and my 5 year college reunion Saturday.

DruHil was up for the weekend because of our college reunion, and she stayed with me. We talked about all the people likely coming to the reunion. I think I was more nervous about that event because I don't ever want to see people I don't like... and there was a good chance many of them would be there.

Whatever the type of reunion, I think it's safe to say we all want to look fabulous. So the Glamorous Event on Friday had to go really well because someone was going to cut my hair. Someone else was going to do my make-up. A designer had clothes for me to wear. And one of Boston's socialite's (aka Trophy wife) dabbled in jewelry and had some for me, too.

Basically I had no control over what would happen to me Friday night. It freaked me out, and I ended up drinking heavily...

I got a little sloppy, but mostly had a fabulous time... and my hair... wow I have bangs. My make-up... heavy but sexy. My dress... boobalicious.

So when it came time for my reunion Saturday, I was excited to show off my new look...

Thank You to ALL my friends who came out to support the event Friday night. I love you guys!

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My picture is all wrong.

I don't mean to be a hypocrite. It's my job to provide healthcare. It's just a shame that I don't follow the american academy of *everything* guidelines myself.

Let's talk about calcium. I love milk in my cereal. I don't often eat cereal for breakfast. I love cottage cheese, but I never think to buy it. Yogurt has it's ups and downs depending on the brand. A calcium supplement would be ideal, but I don't make trips to GNC.

So when I tell a woman she needs to up her calcium to 3 servings a day when I myself don't get 3 servings per month, I wonder what's wrong with this picture.... then I had cottage cheese at lunch and a gigantic bowl of cereal at dinner.

Let's move on to self breast exams. They should be done 1 week after each menstrual cycle. It's important to feel all the tissue and be sure you know your breasts in case something one day doesn't feel quite right.

So when I teach women how to do self breast exams when I have only done one in my entire life, there's something wrong with this picture. I should probably do mine tonight since my period ended last week.

Luckily I don't smoke (anymore). I do drink quite a bit, but I need the antioxidants from the wine. I don't do any illicit drugs (anymore). I exercise regularly (woohoo for saying No to anorexia as a teenager).

I may not be perfect, but no doctor is. We just know what the guidelines say and do our best to make sure YOU follow them.

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Is it time to change?

The following day, we all rounded as usual. There was a point where it was just me and my intern. I asked her if she could give me some feedback on how i've been doing.

She said I've been doing really well. Everyone likes working with me. I've contributed a lot to the team. I've even brought up stuff that she never thought of, or come up with answers when the rest were stumped.

Since people sometimes mask the truth, I wanted to be extra sure. I told her what had happened in the computer room, and her mouth dropped to the floor. She asked who the resident was that said those things and I tried to describe him for her.

According to my intern, I don't suck at all. The resident who said that must have known I was the med student and said it on purpose as a joke.

Later that morning I presented a paper on acute kidney injury, then went off to med student conference as usual. That afternoon, my resident complimented me on my presentation.

I wonder if my intern told them what had happened.

Either way, I'm glad I asked. The only way I could change is to know exactly what needed to change. Sounds like I don't need to change a thing.

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Happy Holidays!

I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday season, and will take a day off to go buy the perfect new years dress like I might today at Saks 70% off designer sale (YAYAYAYAY).

Although this Christmas was no different from the past few years, I feel like I had more fun. Maybe it's because I tried not to dread going home. Maybe it's because I drank a tad more than usual, said the F word and then blamed the pinot noir... to which my aunt laughed and said "typical Roxy!"

The only thing that was a bit bah humbug was that my gym might have terminated my employment without telling me, therefore ending my free membership... therefore I can't work the shifts I said I work this coming weekend.

ok ok I was a little bit more intelligent (sneaky/deceitful) about it. I worked out on Monday at the local branch in my hometown. After my workout, one of the front desk people asked me if I still was employed there because the computer said my account was inactive. I went to the computer and tried to sign in, but it wouldn't let me.

I immediately thought about last week when I went to the downtown gym as usual, put my stuff in the back as usual, and then was accosted at the end by a new ass. manager who didn't recognize me and wanted to know if I even worked there. Her rudeness makes me wonder if SHE terminated my employment.

So I did what anyone in my position would (should) do. I called up the branch that hired me and point blank asked if I was fired. The manager on the phone said she didn't put in any paperwork, and I should call corporate after xmas to find out.

Before I called corporate, though, I thought that maybe I should add some junk to my trunk (shifts to work). So this morning I called a branch close to my apartment where I have done sub work before and told them I was home for the holidays and free to work any available shifts this week. The manager asked, "can you open this saturday and sunday?"

SUUUUUUUURE!!

So in about 10 minutes I'm gonna call corporate, tell them it's extremely rude and unprofessional to let someone go without any notice... especially when said person (me) is scheduled to work in the next coming days.

Happy Holidays!

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Doh!

I hadn't done any promotional modelling in a while, so when the opportunity came up on my vacation when I have NOTHING to do, I thought it would be fun to work an event. I got the info on a Simpsons Balloon promotion and jumped on it. I love the Simpsons. I love balloons.

My only worry was "what if the event is outdoors and it's freezing?"

Surprise Surprise... we were outdoors and it was cold.

Of course today, it was freakin FREEZING. The first hour and a half we were outside. I ran into any office or store that was open every 5 minutes just so my toes wouldn't fall off. I was ready to quit when I had an idea.

"RedSox! My feet are freezing! Will you go buy me some Uggs?" - Roxy (cutesy voice)

I hate Uggs, but I know how warm they are. I had to!

Half an hour later I get a call from RedSox telling me Saks is out of Uggs, but he found another cute pair and bought them for me.

Fine. I could care less. Just please give my feet better protection.

At that moment a miracle happened... rather the boss lady finally used her brain. She invited us all to use her office space RIGHT where we were promoting. It only took her 2 hours to think that it might be more efficient to blow up balloons indoors and have people stay warm so their fingers can bend to tie these balloons on parking meters.

Anyways, RedSox showed up at that exact moment to give me my boots. I don't know what to say about this boy, but he has excellent taste. He bought me Stuart Weitzman boots. Even though they were still as ugly as Uggs, I told him I loved them.

They kept my feet warm. The event was a success.

Simpsons DVD out today. Go buy it!

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