Struggling

I'm gonna take a break from talking about wedding/bachelorett/marriage stuff to talk about the every day of my life... work.

I'm into my third year after graduating medical school, second year of radiology residency, and I'm really having a hard time.

I mean I'm getting it. Like I can make findings, point out the fractures, appendicitis, blood clots and what not. But I still feel so inadequate.

And I'm struggling with stuff I know!

Yesterday I took my in-service exam. It's the annual exam that we all have to take to "check our learning progress." I know this exam doesn't count for anything, but I still try to take it seriously.

Then what happens? I make the same mistakes I made last year. I narrow it down to two answers, and choose the wrong one. Or I pick the right answer, then doubt myself and change it.

I know I could know more, and I don't want to be a complainer, but I am just so tired. I am so jealous of my coworkers who didn't know the answer either but chose the right one.

I hate feeling judged based on this stuff. I hate feeling panicked because I worry other people think I'm not smart. I hate the constant reminder, (which yes I realize is me and not anyone else) that I'm never going to be good enough.

I'm 30, and I still feel like I'm not an adult.