Bringing the South to Denver

OleMiss arrived yesterday and pretty much got right down to business. We agreed to meet for drinks after work. I was on call but got out with plenty of time and we met at the bar in my building.

He looked great, much healthier. He complimented me as well and the drinking began.

I asked him how things were going with Bethie. He told me that he's trying to figure out how to break up with her. She is way too clingy on their 3rd go-around and he is not in love with her anymore.

That's all I wanted to hear.

After several glasses of wine and a couple of beers, we end up back at his hotel. Naturally we hit the bed and had sex.

Sadly with all the alcohol, I don't remember much of it this morning... but OleMiss is here for the rest of the week so I'm sure I'll be back in his hotel room more often than not.

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New Year... same me

In moving to Colorado, I thought I would use my free time to reflect on myself and work on self-improvement. Reality check... I have very little free time. And what little I have, I want to use to have fun.

In thinking about New Years resolutions, I thought I might stop using craigslist for dating. But then I realized I'd have to go out more often to meet men for dates and I just don't have the time to do that.

And that would leave all of you with very little to read. Perish the thought!

A few tidbits of what has been going on with men in my life:

MetroSteve returned to Denver. He didn't tell me. I just bumped into him on the elevator in our building. It was very awkward from his end, and I'm fairly certain the less-attractive-than-me chick with him was the reason. I don't have time for his insecurity. I wished him a happy new year and skipped off the elevator in my stilettos.

OleMiss is coming to Denver for business tomorrow. I may have mentioned a few months ago that he called me in the middle of the night and did this whole "what if we were in the same city" bit... and only told me he got back together with his ex 2 months after they were together. Well they're on the rocks again (no surprise) and he and I will be in the same city...

ScottAvs is a man I may never have mentioned. We went out a couple times. He loves hockey and I love hockey players... I mean I love hockey too. We recently reconnected and he's falling hard for me. I wish I was more into him.

Author was so busy the entire month of december with some product launch that I'm fairly certain we're done.

I went on facebook and saw RedSox's new years photos from the Bahamas. I actually felt jealous when I saw him with other girls.

AccountExec gets back from visiting family for the holidays this week. I'm hoping his new year's resolution is to get over his ex and get a hard on that lasts long enough for us to have sex.

There are some other boys in the works, but none too exciting as of yet. We'll see where 2010 goes...

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Drunk Dialing Me

Within the past month, two of my past lovers have drunk dialed me or drunk texted me... which led to very lengthy one-sided (their side) conversations.

The first was LegalSeafoods. I broke up with him 4 years ago... FOUR YEARS! and at least once per year he drunk texts/calls to tell me he is sorry. He screwed up. He misses me. He wishes things were different. yada yada yada.

I listen. I thank him. I say goodbye.

Saturday night was OleMiss. Now it's a rarity to get drunken calls from OleMiss. Usually he rambles on about life. But this time he brought up "us." He asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like if we were in the same city. I told him there was a time that I did.

And there was. There was a time I wondered, recently... as recent as applying for residency. I wondered what would happen if I matched in NYC. I knew the job would be miserable, but I thought that maybe... just maybe it would be the boost that OleMiss and I needed to truly get to know each other and find out if we were meant to be.

He told me over the phone in his drunken state that he's pretty sure we're not meant to be. After all this time, it's clearly not in the cards for us. I know it's true. I just never admitted it. But yeah, we'll always be great friends. While single, we'll be great FWBs... but yeah.

We will never be. Though I'm certain he'll keep drunk dialing me.

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Eye-Opener

No, I'm not talking about the CAGE questionnaire for alcoholism.

I'm talking about an email I read a few days ago. One that I shouldn't have read because it was an invasion of privacy, but one I'm glad I read because it really had an impact on me.

So I had my first radiology interviews this week. One was in NYC,  and naturally I hit up OleMiss for a place to stay and some old-fashioned southern comfort. wink wink.

He and I were probably on our second bottle of wine when we started talking about our dating situations. He revealed that he was back in touch with his ex... let's call her Exie.

OleMiss met Exie about 2 years ago. (He and I were moving along swimmingly with a casual but fabulous long-distance relationship.) He really liked her and chose to pursue her, breaking my heart...

When that happened, I put my steel armor back on and fell back into some old ways. We always maintained our friendship, but I shoved my feelings deep into my subconscious. When OleMiss and Exie broke up the following year, our "relationship" resumed. But my feelings weren't allowed to come back.

This past Monday, OleMiss told me that Exie was back in his life. She took him to the emergency room last month when he had all of his health issues. She took care of him the whole time. In his state of vulnerability he got to thinking about the future and what matters... so they got back together.

They quickly realized their problems were still around, and neither one of them was working hard enough to compromise on future wishes and plans... so they broke up again. They continue to communicate and I know this because I read an email she sent him.

I'm Sorry!! It opened right up when I clicked on gmail. I saw the words "I'm sorry about last night" and I couldn't stop reading.

Her words had an intense outpouring of love. The emotion was more than I had experienced in written word before. I felt jealous of her ability to love OleMiss, of her emotions. I was actually happy to read his email returning the feelings.

Alas, their issues.... Alas, my issues. But wow... what an eye-opener to... love.

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I don't take it back

OleMiss and I chat sporadically on gchat. Today he told me he studied all day for the GMAT. I told him I WISH I could study for the GMAT instead of my step 2 exam.

We got to talking freely as usual and the residency application process of course came up. I told him that once I match I bet my mom is gonna push for marriage.

He asked me if I would cave in... and I  told him I pretty much have caved my whole life. I want my parents' money and I mostly have to do what they want to get it.

He said that I can't get married because I'm his back-up.

I don't like being a back-up. I should be first. I'm good-looking, got a great brain, a tight ass, fabulous hair (minus the bald spot) and a strong (VERY STRONG) appreciation for alcohol. 

OleMiss agreed... except I'm up in Boston. 

Without thinking I told him to move back.

And that's where our conversation died. I'm not the type of girl to read too much into anything, so all I have to say is I meant it... I don't take it back.

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Enough with the Rivalry

"I had sex 6 times yesterday with 2 different guys" I told Sam and Pedro as we got breakfast Friday morning.

I arrived at Jon's on wednesday evening. He greeted me near the subway stop wearing an unattractive po' boy hat. All the fantasizing I had done earlier was gone. I didn't feel as excited to see him as I thought I would. 

We got to his place and I dropped my stuff off thinking we would get it on. Instead, we immediately left for dinner in Little Italy with his best friend. During the entire dinner, we listened to the friend moan about his divorce proceedings. Last time I saw the best friend, his wife was pregnant...

I decided to do what I do best, which is get drunk off another person's money. Jon and I got back to his place, tore off each other's clothes and had great sex. Finally...

The next day, we had sex a few more times but weren't connecting otherwise. Our conversations were bland. Jon seemed to be affected by his best friend's divorce and went on and on about how much relationships suck and how his ideal marriage would involve living in separate homes.

I had enough and told him I needed to hitch a ride to the Hamptons that night instead of the next morning. I called up OleMiss and told him I would be in NYC soon, then left Jon's place knowing that would be the last time I ever saw him. 

When I got to OleMiss's place, the atmosphere was much lighter and the mood much hornier. We watched some TV, drank wine and chatted. Then he pulled me over for a kiss and off we went. I was thinking the whole time that I should have cancelled on Jon because I would have LOVED more OleMiss.

We went to a concert that night on the pier, went out drinking some more, came home and tore off our clothes again. The next morning he begged me to stay, but I had to hop in a car to the glamorous Hamptons...

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Rivalry Sex

Since the Sox killed the Yanks 9-2 last night, the winner is Jon. I am a sox fan and jon is a yankees fan... I love the rivalry sex.

But to make sure he truly deserves the win, I emailed a list of demands that must be met or I'd make other arrangements (ie: go with OleMiss).

1. Buy condoms. 

I'm a firm believer that if women pay for the pill, men should pay for the condoms.

2. No smoking.

Though I used to be a social smoker, I am now an asthmatic. Not being able to breath is the scariest thing I've experienced to date.

3. No motorcycle.

I may be an organ donor, but I secretly hate that I am.

Jon replied to my email saying that he would comply.

I told OleMiss that I couldn't stay with him. I lied and told him I was having issues with recommendations, which is true but obviously not the reason I can't shack up.

OleMiss asked if I'd stay a couple days after the Hamptons instead. Cute, but I start neuroradiology on monday and I have to figure out what that means before then.

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The Rivalry

Sam turns 30 on Saturday. She is the first woman I've ever known to be excited about turning 30. (Of course I'm not counting Jen Gardner's character in 13 going on 30)

In celebration, she planned a big weekend in the Hamptons. I'm going to be going and I cannot wait. First of all there is guaranteed debauchery. Second, I've always wanted to experience the glam Hamptons.

Third, I'm gonna spend a couple days in NYC before going.

Jon was the guy I wrote about in my first few posts of this blog. That was 3 years ago. He and I haven't talked much, but we emailed a bit in June. He emailed me last week to see if I was coming to NYC. I told him I'd be coming on Wednesday.

OleMiss and I have been FWBs forever. He hung me out to dry in June as he respectfully dealt with an exie who still wasn't over him. I told OleMiss I'd be coming to NYC on wednesday.

Jon is expecting me to stay with him... and of course stuff will happen.

OleMiss told me I could stay with him. I told him I prolly wouldn't be able to control myself if I stayed at his place. He told me he's hoping I won't control myself and is expecting me to stay with him.

I fantasize about Jon. Sex, sex and more sex.

I fantasize a little less about OleMiss... but mostly about a relationship.

I'm not sure what all this means, but I do know I have to make a decision tomorrow.

Jon or OleMiss.

I decided to rest my decision on the Sox/Yanks game. If the Sox win, I stay with Jon. If the Yankees win, I stay with OleMiss. The way this series is going, it looks like I'll be staying with OleMiss... but it's POURING right now in Boston... and I just saw lightning... I imagine there won't be a game at all.

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Wanting more than I need

I've been getting my daily horoscope for years. I love it. Sometimes it's right on the money about what's going to happen. Sometimes it's just a little reminder of how to conduct myself that day. Today I received the following piece of info in my horoscope:

Make sure you aren't destroying something wonderful by wanting a great deal more than you really need.

I'm heading to NYC today and I was supposed to be staying with OleMiss. I know it's totally setting myself up for disaster, but I am kinda addicted to the thrill of men. We've been friends forever, with tons of flirtation regardless of the people we're dating. We've been relatively good except for the one mishap last summer where we hooked up.

Anyways, around 9pm last night he calls me to tell me that his ex has been dropping by unannounced from time to time and, while they're not back together, it's probably not a good idea for me to stay for the weekend.

I completely understood and found other arrangements, but I couldn't help feeling a little bit rejected. I know it's completely selfish considering I have RedSox in my life who adores the living shit out of me, but I am selfish...

Though I gotta hand it to my horoscope for the wise words. I have someone wonderful and everything I need. If only I could learn to control the want.

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Why I love OleMiss

If I make it to NYC for residency, I think I'll end up with OleMiss. He sure knows how to say exactly what I wanna hear.

Me: so are you a Rangers fan now or just rooting for them?

OleMiss: just rooting for them right now, probably on my way to becoming a fan

Me: not a bad team to root for. I'd end our friendship if you went for Canadiens or Devils.

OleMiss: I could never go for either of them, goes against god AND country...

I couldn't have said it better myself...

Next year should be better for my Bruins.

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Allergic to Me

Do you remember that episode of Saved by the Bell where Lisa was allergic to Screech? I never really thought about it... People being allergic to other people.

But it turns out it is possible because OleMiss is allergic to me. It's been almost 2 years since we slept together. Back then every time I arrived back home in Boston, I'd get a text or an email saying that his eyes are itchy.

That's it! Just the eyes. Nothing else ever.

In the past two years I have bought more clothes, changed hair products, perfumes, lotions, detergents, got a couple cats, got rid of the couple cats, etc.

I had completely forgotten, and no one else has ever been allergic to me.

Today I get an instant message from OleMiss. I figured it would be a quick hello, but it turns out it was a playfully angry message about his eyes being itchy.

We tried to go through all the possible reasons, but there is no doubting that he is allergic to me. I felt bad because I'm in a profession that helps heal people, not make them sick.

His reply: "it only lasts a couple of days. its worth it."

I concur :)

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Not Guilty

approximately 3 weeks ago...

Me: I want to leave Boston and do my residency in NYC. I love it there.

Mom: What about RedSox? (said with the vision of grandkids fading)

Me: I'm pretty sure he'll stay in Boston.

Mom: (after a few seconds) Is OleMiss still in NYC?

Actually yes, OleMiss still is in NYC and he finally broke up with his girlfriend. She was a very sweet girl. I liked her a lot, but she is 33 and wants to get married and have kids. He is 26 and doesn't. As much as it hurt, he did the right thing.

I went down to NYC over the weekend to attend the wedding of a college friend. I told OleMiss I was coming down and that we should hang out. I arrived at 11pm on Friday, dropped my stuff off at Sam's place and off we went to grab drinks.

We're at Thor, enjoying our wine and people-watching when Sam sees OleMiss and exclaims "WOW he's fat!" Sure OleMiss had packed on a few pounds, but he looked more like a linebacker. We all started catching up and the sexual tension grew.

Sam felt tired and went home. OleMiss, his buddy and I continued to imbibe plenty of liquid, making out way towards Murray Hill. We closed down a pub, left the buddy and went back to his place to watch a movie.

About 15 minutes into the movie, OleMiss pulled me on top of him and kissed me. I kissed him back. The kissing became harder, more passionate. Clothes came off and he picked me up and took me to bed.

In the year that I've been dating RedSox, I haven't felt that kind of passion. It was intense. It was incredible. It was me...

I didn't feel guilty. Even now that I'm back in Boston, I don't feel guilty.

I care about RedSox, but he still hasn't given me what I want. I gave him the Guide to Getting It On. It continues to collect dust no matter how many times I point it out. He won't go down on me. He won't even straight-up fuck me.

I'm not one of those girls who drops hints. Men do not understand hints. They need to be directly told what to do. I directly tell RedSox what to do and he still won't do it. I told him it would only be a matter of time before I won't take it anymore. When I stop asking him, he should worry.

I think I'm done asking.

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Southern Blues

I met OleMiss 3 years ago in Boston. He was a craigslist date. A simple dinner turned into an amazing friendship.

I know you were expecting me to tell you we hooked up, but I was actually dating ex-boyfriend (who wasn't boyfriend quite yet). Since I'm afraid of relationships, I purposely kept myself available... yet unavailable.

We kept hanging out, bringing in our respective friends. Finally the tension reached its peak, and I chose ex-boyfriend. My friends loved OleMiss. I knew he was great, but I was a chicken and chose ex-boyfriend because I knew it ultimately wouldn't last.

OleMiss wasn't happy, but he decided that a friendship was more important. We remained awesome friends, and I guess I did spend more time with him than I did with ex-boyfriend.

Two months after we decided to be friends, OleMiss got an amazing job offer in NYC and off he went. I was sad to see him go, but I was also happy for him because his ultimate dream is to make it on Wall St.

We kept in touch regularly through instant messenger. Ex-boyfriend finally became ex-boyfriend and I turned to OleMiss. Not so much for comfort, but actually for laughs and fun. I even hopped the cheap Greyhound bus and went for a visit.

We hooked up. (I knew you were waiting for that). It was great. He and I had amazing chemistry. We had fun in and out of the bedroom. I kept going down to NYC. He came up to Boston.

Last year he came up to Boston for Thanksgiving. I realized I felt more for him than I normally would allow myself to feel for anyone, and I couldn't control it. Right after Thanksgiving, I bought my tickets to head to NYC for a weekend. That would be a year ago today (approximately).

It was a year ago today (approximately) that OleMiss told me he met someone.

For the first time in my life, I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to say because I wanted to be happy for him, but I wasn't. I was upset. I had just received the confirmation email for NYC bus tickets, and I wouldn't be using them.

Lucky for me, I have an incredible roomate who felt the rift in the universe, confirmed my feelings and dictated exactly what was going through my mind.

I had a choice. I could tell OleMiss exactly how I felt or I could run away and pretend everything was fine.

I told him. I put my heart on the line. I said everything I felt for him. I told him I was upset, but wanted to be happy for him. "I know we're hundreds of miles away blah blah blah." It was your standard logorrhea.

The pause was only 2 seconds, but of course felt like hours.

He replied, "I feel the same way."

The joy was overwhelming. It was so wonderful that I didn't care what happened next.

And what happened next was the right thing. He gave his relationship in NYC a shot. Now a year later... they're still together.

Now a year later.... they're on the verge of a break. She wants to move on to the next step. He's struggling with making that move.

I know you're thinking I want to try again, but actually we're just gonna be friends. I know how he feels. Struggling to make that next move is the story of my life.

Most people would love to be in a relationship. I don't want to let go of my single life. I have freedom. I can date whomever I please. I can go out on a ton of dates, use and abuse. I can basically never grow up.

But I am growing up, whether I like it or not. Everything about me has changed in less than a year. I am trying to stay the same old Roxy. I'm holding on for dear life, but it's not working. It doesn't feel the same anymore. I no longer feel proud of the hearts I've stepped on. I don't care about any of the gifts anymore.

I think God has answered my prayers. I asked for someone I am attracted to, someone good, someone who really likes me for more than looks, someone who listens... someone patient, accepting, fun, intellectual. And in addition to all of that... RedSox loves to drink and has blond hair.

So what's the problem? I am a "future negative" thinker. I can only imagine the worst case scenarios.

(I never finished reading "The Power of Now." I swear I will over the break).

My therapist has been helping me realize and understand my behavior, and never once has she judged anything I've done. She's been encouraging me to take steps towards change, and because I'm an "all-or-nothing" type of girl (ie. typical med student), I go at change with my all... and somehow survive the multitude of anxiety attacks.

So this weekend I plan to tell RedSox everything... well almost. I'll try to be less "all", but more than "nothing."

It scares the crap out of me. It has also brought me to a bit of a low because I am imagining the worst, and it doesn't feel good.

For OleMiss, a break doesn't feel good... but it's not the worst, in fact it's the right thing to do. After this weekend, I guess we'll both either be singing the blues or doing whatever the best case scenario brings.

I wish I could imagine that.

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