Sex with RedSox

Sex with RedSox was never stellar. In fact it was a big problem early on in our relationship. I know I've had my own issues with orgasm, but I overcame them. I wanted to be able to have one with a partner.

I asked RedSox to try different positions. We'd try for a quick second and then he'd flip me back into military. I asked him to go down on me. He refused due to a traumatic try with an ex-girlfriend. I think she reamed him out and he's never recovered. 

To help him, I bought the Guide to Getting It On. He felt too conservative to read it. I offered to read it with him, work on our sex life together. He put his foot down, and I had no hope.

That's when I started to stray. 

Fast-forward to now, our relationship is hanging by a thread. RedSox knows why I strayed. When he gave me the lingerie on Valentine's day, he stated he was willing to try more sexual positions. He searched for the Guide but couldn't find it. He wants to read it and wants to work on our sex life.

I felt bombarded. I was so shocked and instantly uncomfortable. I wasn't ready to have sex after all this time... let alone do everything I wanted to do over a year ago.

We finally did have sex later in the week. We tried a different position. I didn't get off (though I'm certain it's because I was freaked out by the change).

I appreciate that he's trying, but it also made me feel angry that he waited until I threatened to end our relationship. I confronted him and he admitted that was the push. 

I was strongly considering ripping the band-aid and letting him go last week. After I confronted him and we talked it through, I decided that I am going to stay. Why?

Because if I leave, he'll never try to better himself in the ways women want. He needs to be better at sex. He also needs to lose a couple (30+) pounds.

Weight... my other issue...

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Valentine's Effort

I hope everyone had a wonderful valentine's day, either celebrating with a loved one or celebrating your fabulous self.

RedSox really wanted to celebrate Valentines. I did not. I didn't feel I deserved one. I just wanted a quiet saturday where I opened the gym, had a good work-out after my shift and enjoyed my evening.

Like a typical guy, RedSox tried to make reservations last-minute. He found 9:45pm at Persephone. Unfortunately, I'm ready to eat my arm by 7:30-8pm. I told him I'd much rather stay home and order in. He INSISTED we go out, so I relented and asked him to find a place with an earlier reservation.

At the end of my shift, I called to let him know I was gonna work out. I could be ready around 5-6pm. He told me the only reservation he could find was 4:30pm at Petit Robert. I did not want to eat at 4:30pm... let alone at a place I could care less about. Again, he INSISTED.

I had a crappy work-out, went to CVS to find him a card and headed home to get ready. I called him again to see if he was able to find a later reservation anywhere. He asked what I wanted to do. I told him I want to be able to eat when I'm hungry.

We decided to stay in... and he would cook for me. I was already waay pissed off by this point, so to get him to cook for me would guarantee he would stay in the kitchen while I cooled off.

RedSox said he would pick me up at 6pm... he finally came around 8:15pm. Did I mention that I would have eaten my arm by this point? I was sleeping to avoid the anger that hunger brings on.

He picked me and bought flowers. He had all the food ready to cook. I was still pissy.

Listen. I know he's trying really hard to please me, but I can't get over the chaos I feel in my head. I can't stand improper planning and disorganization.

The evening ended up going pretty well once I started drinking the pinot noir I selected and bought for the night. He fed me immediately with cheeses and nuts, then cooked a decent chicken entree with pasta.

I apologized for my anger. He forgave me and handed me my gift. A cross from Tiffanys. He also gave me some lingerie.

Sex... now that is a WHOLE other issue.

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Versus

The RedSox break-up has been occupying my mind 24/7. I have talked it out with my sister, friends and my therapist.

There's a lot of right vs. wrong, guilt vs. innocence, wants vs. needs, obligations vs. aquiescence.

When I told RedSox I wanted to be alone my intern year but I still wanted for us to continue normally, I was being extremely selfish. When he brought up my trysts with other men, I wanted out. He still wanted in, and I agreed.

Now I'm feeling suffocated. He wants to hang out every single night, and I agree to it. He is a lot more clingy and it's annoying as hell... but I allow it.

I told my therapist I wanted to rip the band-aid and end it, but I felt doing so would be letting myself off the hook while he suffers. Friends think RedSox is clinging to me for dear life with some fantasy hope that I will change my mind.

My cousin pretty much called me an a$$hole for staying with him. OleMiss told me I date pansies and he would have gone ape$hit on me and dumped me.

I know most of you will advise that I do what I want/feels right... but nothing really does at the moment.

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shit hath almost hitteth the fan

I say almost...

Last week RedSox asked me about the future of our relationship. While I had made it clear I wanted to leave Boston, he wasn't clear that I also wanted an end to our relationship. My fault. I should have told him the moment I decided.

But I did tell him last week, and that's when the fiasco of our imminent end began. He asked that we stay together until the end. I agreed. He asked for more time from me. I gave it.

I had my final residency interview in NYC last week, and I planned to stay with OleMiss. On Tuesday RedSox asked me where I was staying. I lied and told him a girl-friend.

He then told me "I know more than you think I do."

I was caught, though to some extent I wasn't surprised. I told him "I'm sure you do, and I will tell you everything you want to know."

He didn't want to know anything. He wasn't even angry. He STILL wanted to stay together.

Now let me keep it real people. I CHEATED... several times. I never admitted to it or considered my behavior anything other than being myself, but it's true. I cheated on RedSox.

And he forgave me. He wasn't angry.

I cannot believe it.

This post should probably be longer, but I am still in shock. Thank God I am seeing my therapist today.

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