DABDA

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression/sadness
Acceptance

These are the Kübler-Ross stages of Grief. RedSox is at Depression/Sadness. I don't know why I'm only just realizing this because all along I have noticed the signs.

RedSox runs a very successful real estate business with his father, but the medical device company he runs as a side project is his baby. He found the engineer, the investors and the office space. He did all the work for this little company.

Tomorrow he is selling his company... and it wasn't his decision to do it. Technically his father is the CEO of the medical device company, and his father is sick of the sales not coming in. His father made the executive decision to sell it.

I remember the anger, all the money RedSox found to try and bargain. Now I'm experiencing his sadness. I can't relate, but I'm trying to listen. Unfortunately he's not really talking. All I got out of him was "I've been kinda bummed lately, but I always perk up when I see you."

The next few days will probably be the roughest days of his loss, but I'm positive his negotiator will rake in the rewards. I just hope he can accept the rewards and moves on... cos I have no idea what I can do for him otherwise.

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The sweet and toxic effects of wine

I haven't really touched alcohol in a while. An occasional beer here and there, but it had been a while since I really drank. So yesterday I studied as best as I could until 4:30pm, when the Liver Rounds began.

Each year, the student council hosts the Liver Rounds. It is a chance for the student body to get together with faculty and drink. Each year, the anatomy professors are the first to come and the last to leave.

This year, I was once again one of the last to leave. I had pretty much isolated myself from my class. I don't attend lectures anymore. I don't go out. So last night I made an effort to reaquaint myself with people. It was fun... because I was wasted.

After the event, I walked home in a drunken daze. RedSox called to ask if I would come to dinner with him and his friends. I told him I was pretty retarded, but I could hear the friends in the background screaming "COME COME!!" Ah if only I could cum... but I digress.

So I went, but I had to make an extra effort to control myself. No one could tell how drunk I was... until it came time to order the wine.

I love wine. I know wine. When I gave the waiter a hard time about the wine list, everyone knew something was up. I of course had no idea I gave him a hard time.

Dinner went well, dessert was fine. RedSox drove me home and I passed out immediately.

This morning I had a huge headache, but I went to the gym anyways. I watched some TV to relax, and I wondered about last night... because I really couldn't remember much. RedSox called at that moment to ask how I was feeling.

I asked him how the night went. He told me the waiter hated me at the beginning because of the wine drama, but then loved me when I ordered everything on the menu he recommended. His friends were a bit put off by the wine thing, but they still liked me.

I went silent. I hate hearing bad things I've done, even if they are just trivial. I didn't want to go out because I was drunk, and now I can only focus on the negativity of the evening. It was brief, but it happened. It exists, and I'm pissed.

Ugh... I need a drink.

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You First

After declaring our love without actually saying "I love you," I feel like our relationship has stalled. It hasn't, but I feel like it has. The next logical movement would be to actually say the words I Love You, but I don't want to be the first one to do it.

Saying those words would officially make RedSox and I a couple. It would officially pull me off the market. It would officially make everything official... and it would be my first time.

Granted, we pretty much are a couple. I also haven't been interested in/lusted after another man. But I also haven't really called RedSox my boyfriend, nor has he called me his girlfriend.

In bed the other night, I started asking RedSox about our "situation." I told him I would tell strangers that I had a boyfriend. It's not quite as daunting when I know I'll never see those people again. He said he does the same thing.

I told him I wanted to say what we subtley said to each other in Vegas, but I didn't want to do it first.

He told me I wouldn't have to. He will do it. Just not yet...

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Prison Break

My classmate Fisk and I had our last day of medical training at prison today. Although I'm relieved to be "set free" and regain my wednesdays, I will miss everyone.

Dr. G is the gold standard of doctors. He loves his job, he is excited to work and he taught Fisk and I so much more than the classroom. The guards were hilarious, and the prisoners... well, they have been some of the best patients I've ever cared for.

The experience, while fantastic, was not the best part. Each Wednesday, I got to know Fisk better and better. He is the quiet, brooding type... to some, kinda creepy. I asked him to be my partner for very simple reasons. He lives 2 blocks over, so if we had to drive I wouldn't have to go far to pick him up.

Each week he opened up more and more. It took a bit of prodding on my part, but I'm good at it. I started off by talking about myself. This is pretty typical... and oh so natural. I went on and on about restaurants and travel. Two things that generally peak peoples' interest and provoke participation.

Slowly but surely my soliloquies turned into actual conversations, and Fisk and I developed a friendship. He talked about sushi restaurants, gave me a list of things to do in Vegas and listened to the latest and greatest of the RedSox saga. I, in turn, would have RedSox take me to these restaurants, come with me to Vegas and prepare something new to tell Fisk the following week.

Today was a sad day for the both of us. Things with RedSox will continue to get better, but I won't see Fisk anymore to share the news. We probably won't be seeing much of each other for the next 2 years. Classes are done, and by that I mean I don't go anymore. Next year we have totally different rotation schedules.

So today we made the most of the day. Dr. G drove us back to Beacon Hill. Fisk and I went to lunch at a sushi restaurant. Afterwards, we went back to his place to do our last assignment.

I criticized his home decor choices. He taught me how to throw darts. We made fun of a few people on facebook. He showed me family pics and girlfriend pics. I showed him RedSox's profile on facebook. Finally, a few hours later we hit the send button on email to hand in our assignment, and I left.

When I got home and checked my email, I had a friend request from Fisk on facebook. I added him with a special notice.

"We met randomly... in prison"

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The Prince & Me

I'm not really one to keep up on celebrity gossip, but when my future husband is involved I must!

After 5 years, I did fear he would end up marrying Kate. She is beautiful, elegant, poised, polite and loved by England. But truth be told... She is no match for Roxy.

I wouldn't say I am better than she yet, but I've been keeping up with Flavor of Love's Charm School.

Kate should have known.

Men in their 20s still wanna be boys and have fun. Men in their 30s worry they will end up alone. Men in their 40s pay for everything.

The Lesson: Date accordingly.

Once I finish residency, I'm sure William will be ready for me.

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did you mean it?

continued from Miss Understood... Part 3

Sunday we read reports of horrendous weather back in Boston. The marathon was in danger of cancellation, and the Sox game would be cancelled too.

I was nervous about flying in this weather. I cared about my safety. Turbulence on an airplane is unacceptable. I am not interested in landing during 40+ mph winds. Lucky for me, RedSox is just as afraid of flying as I am. He called up the front desk and booked our room for another night while I called up the airline to reschedule our flight for Monday evening.

Monday morning, we awoke to the first runner crossing the finish line and the sox ahead 7 to 1. Oops... guess we coulda gone home after all.

What's worse is that I woke up after having a nightmare about failing the boards. I jumped outta bed and hopped in the shower to cry. Then I quickly got dressed and headed to Starbucks to study. An hour later, I went back up to the room to start the day with RedSox.

He knew I was upset when I went down to Starbucks. He hated that he couldn't do anything about it. I told him I needed to get some air, and warm weather. I'd perk up sooner or later.

Off we went to Aladdin to buy some art. On the walk there, I decided to open up a bit. I told him my biggest fear about failing the boards was that my parents wouldn't love me anymore. Ridiculous, I know...

He told me that if they stopped loving me, he still would.

I kept walking without responding. Did he just say "I love you" without actually saying it?

We get to Aladdin, and I help him pick out some pieces for his apartment. We're chatting about a couple of paintings, and the dealer comes over to ask us if we might be having an argument because most couples who spend a lot of time in front of a painting are fighting. We tell him we both agree on the art we love. The problem is not buying too many pieces.

The dealer was shocked. Apparently he spends a lot of his time breaking up fights between husbands and wives. uh... we're not married. RedSox just happens to love me. I think...

After RedSox drops $1500 on art, I make the decision to head to the Palms. We may have missed out on PlayBoy, but I know what really makes me happy is watching my man play poker or blackjack.

The Palms just wasn't our casino. RedSox lost $200 at Blackjack... and another $300 at Poker. We shoulda known Poker was gonna be a loss when the dealer knew all the other players by their first name.

We decide to head back to the strip to play poker at MGM. Another few hours later RedSox lost $250. Now it was his turn to be bummed. We headed to CraftSteak to have dinner.

There sat RedSox in a vulnerable position. There I was knowing what I had to do.

Me: So I have a question

RedSox: I think I know what you're gonna ask me

Me: What am I gonna ask you?

RedSox: I think you're gonna ask me about what I said earlier.

Me: Why yes I am... did you mean it?

RedSox: What if I said yes?

Me: Then I'd say me too

RedSox: REALLY???? Well then... yes I meant it.

Me: Me Too

RedSox: wow I suddenly don't feel bad about losing $750

The End

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Miss Understood

Continued from Viva Las Roxy... Part 2

I guess I got the business aspect of Vegas all set in my last email, now it's on to the real juice. Particular things that happened, and my feelings regarding the events.

Friday was essentially a wash. I chose not to be mad at RedSox for all the flight issues, and I agreed with him when he took the blame. Done and Done.

Saturday I was a little upset that the brunch wasn't just the girlz, because I was excited to finally catch up and have one last singlefest without the male folk. As with any vacation or wedding, nothing is going to go according to plan. Brunch was still fantastic because I chose to be thankful I could come to Vegas and spend time with everyone and anyone. I felt really bad that RedSox missed out on brunch, but everything was so last minute it really couldn't be helped.

Going shopping for RedSox's cufflinks had pros and cons. Pros, I could avoid the sun and go shopping. Con, I missed girl time and RedSox didn't need the cufflinks afterall.

Girlz went to the chapel separately, and when I got there RedSox pulled me aside to talk. While discussing potential plans for Saturday evening with the guys, RedSox informed them that he got all the guys on the VIP list for the Playboy Club and I got all the girls on the list in case people wanted to go there. There was a brief moment of silence and finally one of the guys spoke up. Apparently the option of going to the Playboy Club Saturday night was a source of "contention" amongst the group, and people felt I was being too pushy.

This news shocked the hell out of me. I don't recall being pushy. I only sent 3 emails about the weekend. One saying I'd love to dance if people are interested. Another saying I put us all on the VIP list just in case. The third email was a forward from a friend who frequents Vegas, telling us what she loves to do there. I tried to understand that my enthusiasm over email might be misperceived but when I re-read the emails, I only got enthusiasm outta the first one.

I had no interest in defending myself. I knew I was right, but I don't know how other people read my emails. I pulled the bride aside and apologized, but she said she didn't think I was pushy at all. I chose to believe her and move on with no worries.

RedSox brought it up later though, "so what do you think really happened?" And I told him I think weddings can be a stressful time, and if people wanna be upset about something, it's easy to pick on undesirable options. That's the story I wanna believe, and I'm sticking to it.

to be continued...

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Viva Las Roxy

Part 1

What happens in Vegas... gets written in my blog. For that reason, my vegas trip will have to be a multi-part blog.

Friday, RedSox was supposed to pick me up at 4:30 to get to the airport for our 6:15pm flight. He picked me up closer to 5:15 and got to the airport at 5:35, giving us a good 10 minutes to check-in. I am attempting to check us in at the kiosk, but the computer won't let me have my boarding passes. I get to an attendant with 5 minutes to spare.

She tries to check us in but check-in had been closed earlier for some reason. She calls the gate yelling at them because we have reservations and should be allowed to check-in. She calls over the supervisor then calls up another number. After fighting for us for a good 3 minutes, she gets off the phone and says "well you two shouldn't have been so late to check in."

A few years ago I would have ripped her a new one, but I have travelled extensively and I know how the system works. RedSox held back while I did my thing, which was simply to stand my ground. I said, "M'am, we may be cutting it close but we're still checking in at least 30 minutes in advance. This complies with your airline policy, so get us on this flight. THANKS"

A minute later we had our boarding pass. We got through security and made our flight. The fun doesn't end there though!

I am pretty scared of flying, especially take-off. Normally I am having an anxiety attack and heavily repeating the Lord's Prayer, but I couldn't help my social nature before take-off and started chatting up the doctor sitting next me. I guess it was a mistake because she wouldn't shut up... even during take-off. I'm trying to pay attention to her thoughts on the HPV vaccine, but I'm having a heart attack and trying to pray. We finally pass the point of statistically defined crashes, and I start listening again.

The flight went smoothly, and we arrived in Vegas... only to find out that our luggage didn't make the flight. This is 100% Redsox's fault because he didn't pick me up at 4:30, but I'm choosing not to be upset. I see this as a great shopping opportunity on his dime. I really only need a dress for the wedding (and shoes), and I know there's a Betsey Johnson and BCBG... and gucci, dior, louis...

Luckily our luggage made the next flight outta Boston, and we got our luggage an hour later. We arrive at MGM grand, and run into the wedding party for a little socializing.

Saturday is wedding day!! I meet up with the girlz for lunch only to find out men are included. I quickly called RedSox to tell him it wasn't girlz only, but he was still in bed and unshowered.

Lunch was a good time for me to catch up with a few of the girlz and get some gossip on D's girl. The plan was to relax by the pool for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I would require a concrete slab to block the sun, but I was happy to relax with the ladies. I go back to the room to change into my bikini, but RedSox is upset because he forgot his cufflinks.

I called up the girlz and informed them of our emergency shopping trip. We went to several stores and got a couple of nice cufflinks just in time to get ready for the wedding. RedSox is nervous about his outfit, but decides on a very handsome ensemble... that didn't require cufflinks afterall.

Off we went to the Shalimar wedding chapel. The ceremony and chapel were beautifully done. I caught the bouquet, but second hand tossed it to one of the other girlz. I think RedSox was pleased with my decision.

Afterwards, we went for drinks at the Wynn... a super nice hotel. RedSox unfortunately hadn't eaten all day, so we ventured off to find some food. It took forever to find a place that wasn't a 5-star establishment, but we managed to grab a snack before our big buffet dinner.

At dinner a wave of exhaustion hit the both of us, so we decided to head back to MGM for a quick nap. RedSox messed up setting up the alarm, and we didn't wake-up until after everyone had called it a night.

Sunday and Monday were pretty relaxed. We avoided the weather in Boston by staying an extra night. We checked out different casinos, played blackjack and overall enjoyed our days.

I say overall because there were some serious downs... and some amazing ups.

to be continued...

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Holy Shizzle

RedSox: it does scare me.... that I am responsible for the feelings for you. And you being not just somone, but someone who means such an incredible amount to me. To me, that's an awesome responsibility. One that having placed on me, as aforementioned, scares me to some degree

Me: i am so glad I did not go to Harvard

When RedSox drinks too much, he becomes incredibly articulate... ok wordy... ok he won't shut up.

Tuesday clearly was an awful day per my last post. I cried. I don't cry very often, but I broke down and let it happen in my mom's office after everyone had left for the day.

I cried because I'm scared and hate the stress. I cried because I couldn't tell my mom. I cried because the people I tried to talk to were unavailable.

I told RedSox I didn't want to hang out later that evening. I would be in a quiet mood, and that's no fun when he went to opening day at Fenway and watched the sox kick ass. He told me that he missed me and really wanted to see me. He didn't care and would pick me up at 7pm.

At 6:30, he texted he would be a late. At 8pm, he apologized because he was out for drinks with friends. At 10pm he called, but I didn't pick up.

On a normal day, I would have been Rage-Against-the-Machine pissed. Yesterday RedSox lucked out because I actually didn't want him to see me.

I didn't want him to know I could be vulnerable. I didn't want him to see the dried tears. I didn't want him to try to cheer me up or do anything. I was ashamed of my weakness.

BUT... i couldn't let him get away with being late. I harrassed him for a little bit online, but then he cut me off to apologize for not being there for me, and to tell me how he really felt. What you read above is just a snipit of our conversation.

RedSox is scared of his feelings for me. He told me he missed me so much yesterday that it overwhelmed him. It scared him that he cared so much about my absence, about my feelings, about ME. I didn't know how to respond because I feel the same way.

So I hit him with sarcasm. That's what I do. I'm almost ready to tell him how I feel, but I just need to jump over that one last hurdle of fear. I hope I can do it, because I do... I do love him.

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I'm losing it

Over the weekend, my friend was visiting from Paris. I haven't seen her in 4 years, so it was wonderful to get together and catch up. She currently works at Plaza Athenee (sp?) in Paris.

For those of you who are Sex & the City fans, it's the hotel where Carrie and the Russian stayed. It's on Avenue Montaigne, which is THE shopping street to be on if you have money. Designer Central!

As she told me about her current job working at the hotel and her last job working as the wingwoman for Alain Ducasse (FAMOUS, AMAZING chef), I felt jealous... EXTREMELY jealous.

I would love to be doing what she is doing. Instead, I'm stuck in a rut, borderline depression if you will. I am flipping out about Step 1, and I have no one I can talk to. No one who will understand.

I just tried talking to ex-boyfriend... he gave me a plan I'm already executing.

Mom will tell me to pray... uh thanks already do.

Friends will ask me if I really want to be a doctor... hurtful and discouraging.

Redsox and Roomate will tell me they are sure I will pass... I hope that means they are using their large bank accounts to pay off the NBME.

The reality is no one could ever tell me something that would make me feel better. I don't want to fail. That is all I can think about. I can't handle failure. It sent me to the hospital in college with alcohol poisoning. God only knows what failure could do to me now.

I think I'm losing it... hell I've been lost for a while now.

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Meet the parents

Yesterday I spent Easter with RedSox's family. I figured church to lunch and back to studying.

It turned into an all-day affair, but it was fantastic and MUCH needed.

Right before the church service I had minor chest pains of nerves. I had already met his dad. Nothing special, just quick hellos at sox and celtics games. Now I was meeting the entire family... i'm talking cousins, aunt, uncles, grandparents.

I don't know if any family could have made me feel more welcome. His mom is EXACTLY like my mom, the sweet little old lady whom everyone loves. His dad has the presence of Tony Soprano, but is really a gentle person. His sister was very outgoing and friendly, as were everyone else. His grandpa was the cutest old man ever. He was pretty much blind, but so sweet and nice. He kinda sat by himself most of the time because he has slowed down quite a bit at 93 years old, but I could tell he was happy to just have his family around.

Nobody questioned our relationship. I find that odd, because I was very much expecting, "sooooo... how did you meet?" To which I would have to pause as my mind said craigslist, but my mouth said "At a redsox game."

Just a sidenote tip for anyone who is nervous/embarrassed about admitting to internet dating: Saying you met at a bar, restaurant, coffee shop, park or wherever you ACTUALLY did meet in person for the first time is NOT a lie ;)

The meal took all day because each course required time to eat and chat. Then one had to walk around a bit and exercise it off. We "kids" went off to play Nintendo wii. (I now officially must have one). At the end of the day, I was shocked to find out it was almost 8pm.

RedSox asked me if I was staying over, and as much as I wanted to I had to face the reality of back to studying. I am feeling much better about school, though, thanks to yesterday. There is a certain reassurance I feel when I get the support of Christians. My life is entirely faith-based, but I'm only human and it's very difficult to let God handle things when I want to be in control.

His mother, father and family made it clear that it's ok... much in the same way my family would... except better.

I'm off to school now, and as for RedSox... I am looking forward to the future.

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What is in a name?

Would a Rose by any other not smell as sweet?

Ah Romeo and Juliet... idiots. They should have never gotten involved with each other. That whole story portrayed a complete lack of communication. The lesson: talk to the people you love... or you will die.

Alas, the quote (not my rant) is more the topic of this post.

You all know me as Roxy. It is a self-chosen nickname that I fell in love with after watching Mary-Kate and Ashley's movie New York Minute... pretty pathetic but true.

It is a name that really has no ties to me. I gave it to Single Girl to use when she talked about me, but that's it. I don't wear the clothing brand. It isn't my middle name. Nothing about the name Roxy has anything to do with me.

My other nicknames do have meanings, though. I love them all, and they're a great reflection on my past.

Sister calls me Rooney. She's been calling me that since I was born.

My mom adds a "ooo" to the end of my real name. It's cute unless I'm getting yelled at.

My father calls me sweetie pie. It rarely makes an appearance since I'm quite the bitch to him.

Others have included Stalker#2, Nacho, Beans, and many more.

I identify with all these nicknames. They're endearing, identifying, funny... memories.

And now I have a new one. The other day RedSox and I got into a discussion as to where the term "Shorty" came from. I hypothesized that while it might have to do with height, I'm sure somebody was high and drinking a forty. When he looked at his ho, he saw a shorty. Shorty rhymes with Forty and thus entered the illustrious hip-hop dictionary.

RedSox decided to call me Shorty... and I in return call him Forty.

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Just Say It!!!

I have been guilty of yelling at my friends for not communicating what they want to their significant other. But now that I'm in a relationship, Shut Up I finally acknowledge it, I find myself doing the exact same thing.

I've got a rigorous study schedule for the USMLE and it keeps me at school from 9am to 9pm. Tonight I found myself semi-whining to RedSox. "Well I FINALLY finished my studying for the day... Guess I'll make the LONG WALK home... Jeez I am TOTALLY exhausted."

After a little bit more, he offers to come pick me and drive me home. If I was a complete bitch (Quiet in the peanut gallery), I would have accepted and taken the ride home. The truth is I wanted to see him tonight. I wanted him to want to see me.

I could have asked, "sooooo do you wanna hang out tonight?" or blatantly stated "I want to see you." But I didn't. I worry about overstepping the boundaries. I have no freakin clue what the boundaries are, but I simply don't want to overwhelm RedSox.

We both have an intense fear of relationships and committment. Yet we are monogamous and completely committed to each other. We just won't admit it.

And ok fine... I don't want to be the first one to make the move.

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Check it Out!

ThisNext is a shopping website that is perfect for anyone seeking the unique. I stumbled upon it one day after reading random blogs, and I was hooked. Not only did I find the coolest stuff thanks to the random amazing shoppers in this world, but I was able to share my fabulous finds.

The website contacted me last week because they loved the items I recommended and they wanted me to apply to be a regular writer for their blog. I wrote them a sample and they loved it!

But once again medical school decided to ruin all my fun. The blogging demands conflicted with my USMLE study schedule, so they decided to have me guest blog once in a while rather than hire me as a regular.

I was dissapointed, but I decided to practice a mature defense mechanism called sublimation. I've taken my negative feelings and put them to work in a positive manner.

The result is my BRAND NEW shopping blog, Roxy Shops. Almost every item I recommend on ThisNext will get a featured spread on Roxy Shops. Go ahead and check it out!!!

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Single Life to Single Wife

I have her as Single Girl in the City on my links. Last night we partied like the single girls we were when we met about 2 years ago.

After college ALL of my girl-friends moved out of Boston. They went back to their countries or headed to NYC. I was the sole girl partying with the boys. I love my boys, but they didn't understand how NOT to cockblock me. I decided I needed some party girls... FAST.

I posted on craigslist for some girlfriends who want to go out and dance, flirt with boys, hit the party scene overall. I received about 30 responses. I narrowed to single girls, but no one really sparked my interest in friendship. One barely drank... NEXT! One was a lesbian and thought we were on a date... NEXT! Then finally I met up with Torch.

She and Ruby met me for a drink at TGI Fridays. Horrendous place, I know, but a good place to get to know someone. I was pretty nervous, but we hit it off and started going out all the time. Torch forwarded a post to me written by Sam. She seemed like a cool girl to party with and then bam... we had Sam.

We all rolled together for a while, adding Gorilla and KP... but we weren't quite complete. I made one more CL ad, and that's how Single Girl joined the group. She met us on my birthday, the same day she finalized her divorce. She was ready to get back in the game, and we were happy to facilitate her sexcapades.

Fast forward to now. Some have left Boston, some have moved on, some are in serious relationships, and some have to focus on school/careers. We've grown up quite a bit in 2 years. Hello... Single Girl is getting married in two weeks!

It has been and will continue to be a wonderful ride. I am so thankful to have these women in my life. They are the best family I will ever know.

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