First weekend together since...

...the Big Bad (i'm stealing that from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 7)

NotMexican came to visit last weekend, and we had a great time. We both realized that we have a lot of stress in our lives that we are taking out on each other.

So last weekend we made a strong effort to leave our stress where they belong (at work) and enjoy our limited time together.

For Xmas, I bought golf lessons in Boston for us to do together, so we took advantage of that activity. It was so much fun, and the instructor praised me big time... then reprimanded NotMexican for having bad habits.

hehe... little things, people... i need them.

Aside from him complaining about all the walking I make him do in Boston, we had a great weekend. NotMexican met my best friends from med school and all of my co-workers and their significant others.

Everyone liked him... and frankly, I love him.

Here's hoping that this positivity continues!

NotMexican has an interview for his dream job on Monday. If he gets it, I know we'll be well on our way!

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Therapeutic Homework

In the aftermath of our terrible weekend, both NotMexican and I had an emotionally drained week apart.

NotMexican went to see his therapist and he came out of it with a homework assignment for the both of us.

We had to take 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13, verses 4-7 and replace the word Love with our name and each other's name... and then discuss.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It was an awesome exercise and great discussion. The best part is that we took it seriously and didn't take offense when talking about how one person felt about the other.

And that's why I know NotMexican and I will work.

We have incredibly mature adult conversation without getting defensive.

The question is... can our wonderful phone and email conversations happen IN PERSON?

That is our challenge and homework assignment from now onwards.

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Engaged too Soon

I've been struggling quite a bit lately with my relationship with NotMexican. While I thought we were back on track, I think we're just more at a standstill.

When apart, I miss him so much. We talk on the phone and tell each other we love and miss each other... then when we see each other, it's mediocre.

Our trip to Breckinridge last month was great because we actually spent quality time together. New Years was good, but maybe because he was still in pain from breaking his ribs in Breckinridge.

This time... I am writing from his computer in colorado... I am just not at all enthused.

I got off the plane Friday night, exhausted, but so excited to see him. I read an article about happiness and the wonders of a smile, so I was smiling and ready to hug him and kiss him.

He drove into arrival, and got out of the car and when he rounded the corner after opening the trunk... he looked angry.

My smile faded before he had a chance to see it. Immediately I thought, "oh crap, did I go to the wrong pick-up side again?"

That question was quickly answered, when annoyed, he asked "what side are you on?"

I apologized profusely, but bummed and then shut down.

I went straight to bed with hopes that the next day would be better. It started out well, but he had to go to work. I didn't get any studying in because I was dwelling on the night before. He came home and we watched an excellent but depressing show called Intervention.

We were supposed to go to dinner with one of his friends who cancelled. I just could not feel better.

We went to dinner and I just blew up at him. I am sick and tired of looking forward to an awesome weekend with MY FUTURE HUSBAND and having it be crappy.

We made up, but I'm still unhappy. I cannot wait to get back to Boston.

I think this may be the beginning of the end...

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Bankruptcy DEFINITELY revealed

So a couple weeks ago my mom came into town on the weekend. I thought it was to see a family member in the hospital, but she said she wanted to talk to me because she felt something was going on.

I told her I was having a hard time with residency, felt inadequate, blah blah. She encouraged me on that but then started pressing on my relationship with NotMexican. After a lot of questions about his finances, she directly asked if he was filing for bankruptcy.

How did she know?

I was honest. We talked about it. I told her what it meant... then she started pressing for me to tell dad.

I told her I tried and he didn't wanna know. She said he was probably drunk and that's no excuse. He needs to know.

I gave in and told him yesterday. He was very calm. In fact, it didn't seem to bother him.

But naturally I got a lecture.

Now... NotMexican and I have been having more conflict in our relationship. Admittedly, I've been questioning if I'm making a mistake.

I expected my parents to tell me I was making a mistake and try to get me to break it off, but all they asked was for the same things I've been asking from NotMexican.

1. Counseling- I was pushing for this before engagement.
2. Live together before marriage- heck yeah
3. Pre-nup- you bet your freaking a$$ to Mars (if that's even a phrase)

I thought this was amazing and wonderful because my parents only re-iterated what I felt I needed before a legal union, a business arrangement... marriage.

NotMexican took it the wrong way, which I didn't understand and repeatedly kept telling him how this was a good thing.

He calmed down and apologized and ultimately did agree (since he already agreed before)... and well, I'm still engaged.

For now...

First session with the counselor is Friday.

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Will and Kate... Eva and Tony

When my cousin accidentally deleted her toast for her sister's wedding last week, I tried to get her to do the Princess Bride speech "Mawwaige..." Great movie.

Anyway, I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that Will and Kate are engaged. He is clearly a sweet and wonderful guy, and she is poised and beautiful.

On the other hand, I'm sadded by Eva Longoria and Tony Parker's split. While I do think what Tony did was terrible and extremely hurtful, I don't think Eva even tried to forgive and work on marriage. (So I don't know all the details, but still)

Agreeing to marry NotMexican was not a decision made lightly. It was very important to both of us that we have the same basic values and foundation. This included religion, politics, ethics, ambition, etc.

More importantly, I stressed the need for honesty and the ability to work together to solve problems.

I really hate how most of hollywood seems to run to divorce court over something that could be managed in therapy.

I hope Will and Kate honor and forgive each other, working to stick together as they have been able to do for the past 8 years.

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Grieving for Singledom

When people talk about grief, it's often over the loss of a loved one. But haven't we all gone through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief when we lost our favorite clothing item or had to let go of a past relationship?

The realization that I'm in a serious, lifelong relationship is creeping up on me, and I'm grieving the loss of my single life.

I know most women hate being single, but I LOVED IT. I absolutely LOVED dating, getting to know someone, getting hit on by guys and giving them my number, not caring where things went because there would always be the next guy... I'll stop now as I realize I'm beginning to brag.

Sorry.

A few nights ago, I went to a social event with friends. We were hanging out, drinking, meeting new people... and this attractive (BLOND) guy came over and started chatting with us. He was chatting it up with my friend first and I chatted with his friend. Then we switched, and he and I were having fun conversation.

I wasn't thinking too much of it until he asked me if I was single or engaged because he couldn't tell with my finger. (I have a tendency to flap my hands all over the place while talking, so good luck focusing on my fingers). I told him I was engaged and conversation continued as normal... or so I thought.

A few minutes later he told us he was gonna find his friends. I leaned over to my girl-friend and told her that if I wasn't engaged, he would soooo be my type. She said he was clearly dissapointed to learn I wasn't available.

It didn't hit me until someone else said it, but I actually felt sad when I got home. He totally would have asked me out, and we would probably have dated for a good while... I felt depressed.

Here I am alone in Boston while my fiance takes care of things across the country. I miss him all the time and am totally faithful, but man this non-single life is really starting to get to me.

Thankfully, NotMexican and I talked it out a couple days later. It probably wasn't the most exciting stuff for him to hear from me, but he was incredibly supportive and assured me that all will be well. Our distance will only make us stronger when we're finally together.

Man I hope so...

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Freak-Outs

I would hope it's normal to have freak-outs when you're making a monumental decision.

The proposal was sooner than expected, so i don't think I was mentally prepared for what it means to be engaged.

All of my decisions are now affected by the realization that I have to think for "us" instead of "me."

It's a scary thing to accept this.

So naturally... I freaked out. And it happened at one of my best friend's weddings last week.

I asked NotMexican if he really loved me during the reception... and that upset him so much. Poor timing in retrospect, but I can't predict these things.

He reassured me, but I felt badly into the next day. Unfortunately that made our NYC trip the worst. I couldn't get over my freak out and then everything that could go wrong that day... did.

Everything ended poorly, resulting ultimately in an argument... and we parted, he back to Denver and I back to Boston, in anger.

Normally, that for me would mean the end of a relationship.

Luckily, it resulted in a fresh start.

We talked it out while I was on the greyhound back to Boston and had a great conversation agreeing to disagree and agreeing to work with each other.

I feel even better about our future now because we have excellent communication and make changes as we can to help each other out.

But I'm about to have my next freak out... his impending bankruptcy.

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Breaking the news to RedSox

When I landed in Boston, RedSox called to get the scoop on my moving and when i would be free.

I told him it would be a few days of moving in, but we could certainly hang out.

And I wanted to hang out as soon as possible because I wanted to break the news about my relationship with NotMexican sooner rather than later.

We met up for drinks in Beacon Hill. He looked great. Clearly he had been working out more. I was happy for him.

We talked about our mutual friends to get the scoop on peoples' lives. And after a while I finally got the courage to ask him if he was seeing anyone.

He told me off and on.

I felt relieved and then blurted out that I was in a relationship.

RedSox took the news very well. He actually didn't think we would be getting back together considering we didn't communicate too much while I was in colorado. He admitted that it hurt a little bit, but he'll always be there for me and care for me.

I told him I would do the same.

The rest of the evening was two good friends hanging out. We have talked here and there since, and I'm happy with that. I wish him the best and the woman who gets to be with him is going to be one of the luckiest girls in the world.

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Meet the Parents

I was very nervous introducing NotMexican to my parents. He is totally different from my other boyfriends, and well... Indian parents are very harsh. They don't quite put their kids interests before their own.

So I prepped NotMexican and told him what to say and what to wear. If my parents saw his tattoos, it would be all over. As much as I hated asking him to do this, he accepted that Indian parents are different. First impressions mean everything. After that, we can reveal the not so exciting truths.

My parents were kind and accepting but aloof. It really bother NotMexican and he was sure they hated him. I assured him that's not the case, but I'll talk to them. I told my parents that I love him. He's my choice in life. I don't know how things will ultimately pan out, but they better like him or else...

So they chose to like him.

I've been back in Boston for a few days now, settling into my apartment in Beacon Hill. It's all coming along and I can't wait for NotMexican to come visit this weekend!

Now if only this food poisoning would go away...

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Winding Down

My year in Denver is coming to a close. I've got one month left and it's gonna be crazy busy.

I've secured my apartment back in Boston. I'll be back in Beacon Hill, and I got a great deal for a 1 bedroom. The realtor was kind of a douchebag and relatively incompetant in my opinion, but I had to go through him to get this place. BTW, I had NO IDEA that a realtor fee in Boston would be an entire month's rent. So heinous... but in the long run still a good deal.

NotMexican has already booked his trip for 4th of July, so I'll only go a week without him, which should give me plenty of time to fix up my place. It's now my turn to book a trip in advance to come back to colorado to visit him... but I'm feeling hesitation.

I know that if I book the trip, I'm truly comitted to making this relationship work. And I've never been truly committed to making any relationship work. I still haven't told RedSox about him because I think it's rude to break that kind of news over facebook, email or text. I'm just overall feeling nervous I guess.

Plus I'm kind of down about work. My year of internal medicine didn't go as well as I hoped. I can't fake enthusiasm and in a female dominant field, the attendings made it very clear that they did not like my lack of interest. My only goal was/is to take care of patients, and for the most part I think I did as well as any other intern. I'm kind of annoyed that I was targeted for lacking enthusiasm when I know all my other co-preliminary interns had the same attitude... but fortunately for them... they had male advisors.

So much to do and hopefully this last month will fly. Of course, I'll be keeping you posted on the drama to ensue once I return to the Bean.

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In God We Trust

After my exam, i pretty much flew straight to Indonesia to spend a week with some ladies in the family. My mom was a spazz the whole time, but everyone else was chill and awesome. The trip was great, but I am so thankful to not live in a third world country.

The whole time, I missed NotMexican, too. Usually when I leave to do my own thing, I have so much fun and barely think about the guy I'm dating. It was different this time and sucked. I wanted him to see and do what I was doing, share it with me.

I also told my mom about him. I naturally left out the parts about him finishing up undergrad now and being divorced... so she likes him already!

Now of course in any relationship, I tend to think too much. I began creating scenarios in preparation for the future, and I've been really worried about NotMexican moving to Boston.

Here comes the terrible What If game...

What if he doesn't like Boston, what if he doesn't get a job, what if he doesn't get into grad school, what if this, what if that, what if what if...

It really started to affect me and I didn't know how to handle things.

And then we went to church yesterday and the sermon was pretty much about the What If game... and the minister asked, "

What if you just had faith?"

It was all I needed to hear, and now I've put our relationship in God's hands and feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Oh and I didn't freak out when NotMexican told me he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. Ok I freaked a titch...

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Official

A few nights ago after going out NotMexican sends me this series of texts:

I have to tell you. I tried hard not to let it happen because I figure if it does then it's real. I am freaking crazy about you. And I need to figure out how to get you to stay and not move back to Boston.

I see good things with you. Great things.

We need to talk.

I have never really had the talk with any guy I've dated. Not even with RedSox whom I dated for THREE years.

I relied on it actually. It allowed me to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted because then I wouldn't be a cheater.

NotMexican and I went out the night after the texts and talked very little actually. We became official and promised we would enjoy what time we have left.

So that's what we're doing... as boyfriend and girlfriend.

And now it's time to meet all of his friends...

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Sometimes I hate being a girl

So things are going really well with NotMexican... but they could be going better.

And that statement right there is why I hate being a girl.

I want to see him all the time. I want to talk to him all the time. I get super giddy when my text message beep goes off and it's him.

He also says the right things... but I want more.

The other day we were texting and he told me I'm on his mind often, asking if that was a good thing.

Since I'm a bit of a snob, I replied that I should be on his mind all the time.

After a lot of banter back and forth that lead to medical explanations, he finally cut to the chase and said he wanted to know if he was on my mind.

Well yes... of course.

So you see we have great text conversations. We see each other appropriately. We have great sex every time...

But I'm a freakin girl and I want more.

I want all the time.

Man I hate relationships.

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the Author writes again

After a date last night that ended in a quick goodbye kiss, I headed to the bar in my building for more drinks. My night wasn't over just cos my date was sick and had to drive 30 minutes home.

I sat at the bar and texted a whole bunch of new neighbor friends to join me, but I also included Author as I knew he was sick in bed and wanted to stick it to him since I haven't seen nor heard from him in 2 months.

He replied and actually joined me for a drink. Poor thing was coughing, but I didn't let him get away with a sick excuse. I wanted to know where he was mentally and physically over the past 2 months.... actually one month as I knew December was his product launch month.

So what happened in January?

For the entire month he isolated himself because he was in negotiations to sell his company. It was a huge stressor (and probably was led to him becoming sick). I understood that, but to not to even get a text was saddening.

He claims he texted me last week with a big apology and hoping to hang out. When he didn't hear from me by the next day, he assumed I was upset with him and done.

I didn't get this alleged text. He thinks his reception in the mountains might be the culprit. I think I really don't care as he looked so cute and I just wanted to fuck him.

oops... TMI

But that's exactly what happened last night. :)

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Bringing the South to Denver

OleMiss arrived yesterday and pretty much got right down to business. We agreed to meet for drinks after work. I was on call but got out with plenty of time and we met at the bar in my building.

He looked great, much healthier. He complimented me as well and the drinking began.

I asked him how things were going with Bethie. He told me that he's trying to figure out how to break up with her. She is way too clingy on their 3rd go-around and he is not in love with her anymore.

That's all I wanted to hear.

After several glasses of wine and a couple of beers, we end up back at his hotel. Naturally we hit the bed and had sex.

Sadly with all the alcohol, I don't remember much of it this morning... but OleMiss is here for the rest of the week so I'm sure I'll be back in his hotel room more often than not.

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When it's officially over...

So I had told you a few posts ago that Southie fell off the face of the Earth. That's not exactly true. He just pulled back big time.

Instead of letting it go, I pushed him for an explanation. All he would give me is a text saying "i need to figure shit out." I assumed there was baby mama drama, but I stupidly told him I'd wait.

We ran into each other at football sunday at the usual spot after 2 weeks of not seeing each other. He came over, bought my drinks, hit on me, everything. I wasn't having it. I had been so upset with his sudden change of attitude, but I was able to get over it and moved forward.

He told me that Sunday he would take me out to dinner that week and make things up to me. I told him I'd believe him when it happened. No surprise. It didn't happen.

Now the problem with letting him go completely right then and there was that we both LOVE the Patriots. He was definitely someone I could text during games and party with at the bars on football Sunday.

But the reality is that he's just not that into me... anymore.

So last night I texted him that I was leaving for the holidays. I accept that we're done. I hope we can still be friendly should we run into each other.

He texted back that he still thinks we should hang out. I told him that I don't want that... especially since he won't tell me exactly what happened.

He didn't tell me why he pulled away. So now, we're officially over.

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Second Place is first loser

One of my coworkers told me about meeting his wife. He said "you know... you kinda date the same person over and over again until one is tweaked just enough to be the one." Someone else told me that all women eventually marry their fathers.

I'm realizing that I've been dating my father over and over again, and I'm not sure the men are progressively tweaking towards becoming the one.

Almost all the men I date are leaders. CEOs, presidents, executive VPs, etc. Almost all of them put me second.

I came to this realization after I was upset earlier this week that I hadn't heard from Southie. He typically calls or texts daily and makes plans to hang out. Sunday I texted to apologize for my drunken saturday night texts. Didn't hear from him.

I texted that night. Didn't hear from him. Not a peep all day Monday. Monday night, I called. I NEVER call a man. He didn't pick up. So I finally texted and asked if he was upset with me. I know it's typically the kiss of death, but he eventually replied telling me "not at all." We had a brief text convo and he told me he'd call me tuesday.

It's now wednesday night and I finally get a text in response to one of my funny facebook messages.

I realized early on that I'd always be second to Southie's son, but he never made me feel that way. I was actually falling for him. What I'm realizing now is that I might be third... or some other number thereafter... or not anything at all anymore.

I hate the way this makes me feel, and I know it's a major reason I date the way I do and don't care for men the way I want to. It hurts too much. And thus I regress to former behavior.

As said in one of many great Pearl Jam songs, "I change by not changing at all"

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I might be in Three relationships

So I have yet to tell you about AccountExec. I wanted to before, but I was afraid of jinxing things.

AccountExec is my sugar daddy. Yup! I finally have one and he's great! He's cute. He can hold decent conversation. He takes me out to great restaurants. He bought me $200 juicy couture winter boots... I look super cute.

Now AccountExec and I had talked everything through when we met a month ago, and *this* was going to be a standard SD/SB relationship with NSA, seeing each other a couple of times a month.

again it was going to be...

AccountExec likes to see me more often than not. He plans ahead for dates and checks in sporadically in between seeing each other. He calls me sweetie via email. He has definitely fallen for me.

It's probably my fault. We haven't had sex yet.

Though I enjoying hanging out with him, I don't think we're compatible relationship-wise. But of course with my bubbly nature, smiles and flirtatious tendencies, I have successfully seduced him... accidentally.

Speaking of the Art of Seduction, the Author is currently reading that book to help him with book sales. It was fun to read excerpts together the other day as we lounged around in our PJs bantering back and forth before tearing off each other's clothes. The Author may be getting closer, but still keeping his distance.

Southie, however, is not keeping any sort of distance. He wants to hang out all the time. He'll call me on a rainy day to tell me he's gonna drive me to work. He takes care of me. He tells his friends about me. He's the first guy I've ever dated that I look at think "damn he is HOT!"

I love all three of my men for various reasons... here's to hoping I can keep all three in check.

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Drunk Dialing Me

Within the past month, two of my past lovers have drunk dialed me or drunk texted me... which led to very lengthy one-sided (their side) conversations.

The first was LegalSeafoods. I broke up with him 4 years ago... FOUR YEARS! and at least once per year he drunk texts/calls to tell me he is sorry. He screwed up. He misses me. He wishes things were different. yada yada yada.

I listen. I thank him. I say goodbye.

Saturday night was OleMiss. Now it's a rarity to get drunken calls from OleMiss. Usually he rambles on about life. But this time he brought up "us." He asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like if we were in the same city. I told him there was a time that I did.

And there was. There was a time I wondered, recently... as recent as applying for residency. I wondered what would happen if I matched in NYC. I knew the job would be miserable, but I thought that maybe... just maybe it would be the boost that OleMiss and I needed to truly get to know each other and find out if we were meant to be.

He told me over the phone in his drunken state that he's pretty sure we're not meant to be. After all this time, it's clearly not in the cards for us. I know it's true. I just never admitted it. But yeah, we'll always be great friends. While single, we'll be great FWBs... but yeah.

We will never be. Though I'm certain he'll keep drunk dialing me.

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Highly Amused

I promised RedSox I would be faithful for the remainder of our time together in Boston. When I received an email alert from a dating website I had used in the past, I logged on to cancel my account.

In the corner, there's a link to another dating website where I had an account as well. I clicked on that site to cancel my account too. For kicks I decided to see who was in Boston before I cancelled.

And there it is... RedSox's profile. He created it on Valentine's Day and last logged in a week ago. 

I'm wondering if I should tell him I know now or later or never... what do you think?

I'm very confused right now and highly amused. 

He forgave me for my infidelity. I've been working on it in therapy and being faithful. He's been working very hard on himself too. I feel like even though we are going to end when I move away for residency, we have been doing very well. Communicating, improving ourselves, moving forward.

I dunno... i just can't stop laughing 

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