Relationship Therapy

I finally made an appointment with a therapist and went to see her for the first time today. I really like her. Right away I knew she was a kind soul, and as the session went on I felt she was appropriately starting and stopping me to pinpoint things I said.

I cried a lot in my session today. I don't think I've ever cried so much. I cried about work and how I'm frustrated that I have to do a year of internal medicine when I'm going for radiology. I cried about how one of my attendings could clearly sense my unhappiness and wrote it in my quarterly review. I cried because I lied to my advisor and told her I am TOTALLY interested in internal medicine.

I cried about my relationships with men... and boasted about them at the same time. I told her I've never had an orgasm with a guy but I am the master faker and no one has ever questioned it. I cried because I want to connect with someone, but I'm holding myself back due to the love of attention that many men give me.

I cried because it's ALL my parents fault. I'm in medicine because of them. I have relationship problems because of them. I love them very much, and I hate them at the same time.

My therapist pointed out that I'm a very all or nothing person. If something goes wrong, I tend to write the situation or person off completely. If something goes well, then it's the gold standard.

My homework assignment: I say things are good or bad when I should be saying they're effective or ineffective. I'm gonna try and work on that. I think my tendencies towards absolution of ALL good or ALL bad have prevented me from changing because I'm afraid of losing good things or taking on bad things.

Now I know one of my commenters on my "I don't think people like me" post asked me about my girlfriends. I love my girlfriends. I don't open up to them as much as I'd like because I'm afraid of judgement or discouragement (because sadly it has happened in the past).

And remember when I said if something goes wrong I write it off completely. Well when I vented to my girlfriends in the past, some of them responded with words I didn't think were appropriate. So I don't vent anymore because I don't think I'll get the support I need.

Maybe I'll try again, but I think that homework assignment is further down the road.

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Residency Rage

I think if I bit someone right now, I'd infect them with rage... 

I had my first session with a new therapist on Wednesday to talk about my anger issues. Basically everything is setting me off. If I don't show it on the outside, it's destroying me on the inside. The whole residency process is stressful. I have to keep track of a lot of things, and when my parents get involved, stress skyrockets and anger ensues.

On Wednesday, I laid everything out on the table for my therapist and she feels like learning to deal with my parents is going to be the major focus during our time together. At the end of the session, she told me to try and keep track of things that are getting me angry.

Let me tell you what just happened, since this will probably be the entire focus of my next therapy session.

Today my mom called me on the way home from work. She was in the car with my dad. She was wicked excited on the phone telling me that Denver sent a letter to my parents' house and made me an offer outside of the match for my preliminary year.

Before I reacted I had two questions:

1. Why did Denver send the letter to my parents' address?

2. Why did Dad open mail addressed to me?

I told my mom this was a lot to take in, and I'm working my shift at the gym so I'll call when it's over. At the time that I call, I want her to READ the EXACT words in the letter to me. 

I called Sister and told her the news. She was beyond elated. She kept raving about how exciting this offer is, how I can cancel the rest of my prelim interviews and focus on radiology, how awesome Denver would be for a year, etc etc. 

For the rest of my shift I went over the option with several co-workers, getting their thoughts. I processed the offer, and was getting pretty excited myself. I didn't expect it all. Hell, my 'thank you' letters haven't even arrived in Denver.

I called my mom the second I got home. She tells me dad made a mistake, then reads the letter to me. It was basically a letter saying "thanks for coming, call if you have any questions." At the bottom the residency director hand-wrote "Come to Denver," which I'm sure he writes on all the letters.

This was a courtesy letter, an encouraging letter, but NOT an offer to bypass the Match and join the intern class next year. I was FUMING. I yelled at my mom about dad opening my mail. He should not have done that, nor said anything since he's not in medicine and doesn't know anything about the Match. She, in turn, should not have called me without reading the letter herself.

For the last 2 hours, I was pacing around telling everyone. My co-workers, Sister, RedSox... all these people think I've got an offer in Denver and it turns out I don't. 

I feel embarrassed, upset... bummed out. I am FUMING with anger, I can't really move.

I have plenty of material for my next session with my therapist... and my dad didn't think I needed to see one.

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The Erotic Massage

Remember the episode of Sex & the City where Samantha finds out that a particular masseur gives happy endings? It made me wonder. Where does this happen? How does this happen?

I perused the M4W section of craigslist as I often do and kept reading this ad for a massage. It sounded like a normal, regular massage... but of course this is craigslist so I knew what it would be about.

I emailed the guy. He sent me his pic. Decent looking... i was still curious.

We chatted back and forth. I grilled him on everything, got references... and made an appointment.

I arrived at his place. It was nice and big, clean, warm and soft. He's obsessed with yoga. Good.

He has a gorgeous cat. She was friendly and outgoing, then she walked away from us and jumped on the bed.

Kitty knew this scenario very well. I did not, so my heart started racing.

He left me alone to get undressed. I laid face down on the bed. He started massaging me. It felt really nice. I could sense his energy through his hands. He did all over and then went in between my legs.

You can imagine what happened next.... and I came.

I haven't come with a man since Berklee. It was such an amazing release, almost like a spiritual experience.

I enjoyed it... I may go back... I almost wonder if it's the therapy I always needed.

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