Thanks, Bye... DON'T call me!

I use this phrase quite often. As a serial dater, I have to. He is interested. I'm not...

The long version... Thank you for the wonderful date. Have a great evening. I'm sure you'll agree that there wasn't any chemistry, so I must decline any further engagements.

Ok I've never actually said that in person, but I have in the polite post-date email.

So as I've already written, my cousin J is going through a tough time with her marriage. She has decided that it's over, and the whole family (adults not kids) are working on getting her out of her unhealthy relationship with S.

I predicted that my sister and I would get a lecture on marriage as a result of this drama. Thanksgiving went without a hitch. Friday typical shopping. Saturday more shopping then family dinner at a restaurant.

Nothing. No lecture.

Sister came into my room Saturday night to talk about the lecture. Were we getting it? Was I wrong? How could I be wrong? Mom and Dad LOVE to lecture us. Maybe they're getting too old. Senility. Dad forgot.

OR maybe... they didn't want to lecture us because they're afraid it will put us off of marriage all-together. That is completely against their indian culture... unacceptable.

Sunday morning, Sister and I are having breakfast and it finally came. It was very short, sweet, to the point and not at all aggressive. It was dad alone, too.

Dad: If either of you is involved with a guy and there is something about him you don't like, GET OUT. Don't think about trying to change him. You cannot change people. Decide whether it is something you can live with it. If not, get out.

Of course I piped in... in agreement.

Me: Absolutely Dad. If there's something I don't like, I just say "Thanks! Bye! DON'T call me!"

Dad: Ha... well yeah, you could say that.

Me: I already do.

Read More

What's your fantasy?

I like to ask people what their fantasies are. Most jump right to the sexual fantasies, so it's always a pleasant surprise when a person thoughtfully asks what kind of fantasy I am looking to hear about.

RedSox did just that when I asked him tonight. I told him to pick his current fave, and it was the classic office sex fantasy. On his desk or being straddled on his chair.

Office sex is one of my TOP fantasies too. I imagine myself wearing that classy, elegant long coat. I walk past everyone on the floor, greeting them with a smile and confidence. They have no idea what I'm wearing underneath my coat.

I enter his office, close the door and lock it. He's surprised but very happy to see me. It's been a long day. I slowly walk towards the desk while unbuttoning my coat. I let it fall to the floor. His mouth is gaped wide open. I'm wearing my new bra/panty set from Agent Provacateur, complete with stockings and stillettos.

And well... the rest varies depending on my mood...

So that is one of my sexual fantasies, but what's my current, constant, repetitive fantasy?

Well for the past year and a half I have been living in medical school hell. The night before an exam (and believe me when i say there are MANY of these nights) is unbelievably stressful. Do I really need to know this much detail? Most drugs will change by the time I get to practice and I'll have them all downloaded on my PDF anyways.

When I stress out I have my Trophy Wife fantasy. My husband thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I am number 1 and he adores me. He loves me... but I'm not just his prize to show off. He doesn't put me down. I am the mother of his children, and he is excited to come home at the end of the work day.

And when he gets home... there I am in some cute dress wearing an even cuter Jessica Steele apron. Our toddler will be sitting on the kitchen counter chatting up a storm to keep me entertained as I prepare dinner. Husband will have that look in his eyes when he sees us. A big hollywood kiss for me and a hug and tickle for Toddler.

When Toddler goes to bed we'll have our alone time. I'll put on something a little sexier... maybe wear ONLY the apron. We'll have a passionate romp. He'll adore my body, sculpted by plenty of gym time. We'll go to sleep. Next morning I send my husband off with a loving kiss and take Toddler to daycare. Then it's shopping and gym time.

No studying. No stress. Just completely taken care of and loved. I do the same in return.

I told RedSox about my fantasy. A huge, bold, potentially stupid move on my part, but I had no worries. I wasn't concerned he would judge me. I knew he wouldn't think I was a gold-digger or someone with zero respect for education.

I was correct. In fact he loved the Trophy Wife fantasy. He thought it really hot, and he has the same definition for Trophy Wife as I do.

So what's your fantasy? Right now. Tell me...

Read More

Spicy

"Yes I'd like the vindaloo, and make it EXTRA spicy"- me
"umm... are you sure?"- server
"YEAH!"- me

Did I mention I was wasted?

Come on... It was St. Patrick's Day 2002, and Dru and I were celebrating in England. I could only tolerate one bite, but to this day I still ask my server for hot sauce everytime my plate is set before me.

I like to spice things up, including men. I know I claim to narrow my playing field by pinpointing certain qualities (physical attributes) I require in men... blond, no body fat, HOT... but the reality is none of that matters. I just LOVE men. Got a penis? Good. That's all I need.

Ultimately that's all I need... but I still tend to stick with a certain type (hot, white, yellow, chocolate). So tonight I spiced things up by going out on a date with an Indian guy. Normally my mens are anything but Indian, so this was very new for me.

We went to a very nice restaurant, had wine, steak, souffle. I love to dine out, eat fabulous food and enjoy great conversation. Unfortunately, he annoyed me. Conversation was boring. There were too many uncomfortable silences where I was reaching for something interesting to talk about. Basically, I just didn't feel a connection.

I've written this one off, but I'll try not to write off Indian men.

For now one bite is all I can tolerate, but keep that hot sauce stocked up. ;)

Read More

A Pricy Education or a Priceless one?

I just came from a lunch with my dean. He wanted to get together with a small group of students and get feedback on the school. He welcomed praise and criticism equally.

I have very few issues with medical school, at least on the school as a whole. I would love to complain about all the studying and ask him to have the faculty cut the amount of material or make all the exams matching. That's wishful thinking... and insulting.

One complaint that nearly every student has is the cost of tuition. Now, I am blessed with successful parents who pay for my education... and everything else. So tuition has never been and will never be one of my complaints.

Yes my education is pricy, but it is PRICELESS. You could add up my tuitions bills, textbook bills, rent, whatever and the dollar value is miniscule, heck non-existant, in comparison to my knowledge.

With that knowledge comes resposibility. Not only do I have to provide the best care possible for my patients, I have to provide the best education possible for my future colleagues. There are several ways to go about this, but I think one of the first steps to take before I achieve my position as an attending is to give back.

I give money to my school every year, but now I will give my time. Meeting with the dean today was a great start, tomorrow will be the alumni and the next day... my students.

Medicine is an endless education, a very costly education... but in reality it is cheap, and I am very lucky to have found the best bargain in the world.

Read More

Do you feel safe at home?

My cousin's wife arrived from India on Friday, and yesterday we all gathered at my parents' home to welcome her with a family dinner. Unfortunately our family has been stunned by a recent turn of events.

One of my other cousins has been a victim of domestic abuse.

I used to laugh when the nurse at my yearly doctor's visit would ask if I felt safe at home. Of course I did. Domestic violence only happens in the movies.

It doesn't just happen in the movies. It's real life. It's now in my life.

J is a wonderful person. She's an amazing cook. She's very sweet. She is funny and sarcastic. She is loving. She always listens to her elders and does what she is told. Her major fault... She tries too hard to please the family, so she really DOES do EVERYTHING she is told to do.

Last year J went home to India to visit her mom. At 26, she's at the perfect age for marriage (actually on the older end by indian standards). Her mother put out the ad in the papers and internet, and J started meeting potential suitors. She liked a few here and there, but they never called her again. You see J is a big girl, and we all know looks matter.

Then she met S... and he was ok. Just ok. Her mom and the community pressured her to marry S because well... he was the only one willing to marry her and they didn't believe she could find anyone else.

J agreed to marry S. She came back to the US and continued her life here while her mom planned the wedding. She kept in touch with S over the phone, and they seemed to get along better. They married a year ago. He didn't get his visa to come to the US for a few months, so in my mind they've only been married a few months.

None of us know when the abuse started. Our best guess is a couple months ago. He wouldn't let her talk to many people. He accused her of having affairs. He would get drunk and go on a tirade and threaten to kill himself. J didn't tell anyone.

When my mom invited J and S to dinner earlier this week, she called J... but J made my mom call S and invite him as if it was the initial invite. My mom thought it was weird, but J said that it has to be done that way. S found out that my mom had called J first and sh!t hit the fan. They got in a huge fight, he threatened to hurt her and kill himself. She called her sister lilJ and left. J has since called the police on S and he's now chilling in the psych ward until further notice.

I don't know what will happen. We are all upset with S. We're upset with J. We're angry with ourselves because we couldn't do anything.

Well, now we are doing something. My parents, uncle and aunt have taken over. I'm sure my parents will pay him off to get him out of J's life and back to India. My uncle will execute everything. My mom and aunt will comfort J.

So what can I do? I can pray. I can call. I can be there for her.

I can be the best doctor in the world for my patients and recognize the pain before it continues, and I will never laugh again when the nurse asks me if I feel safe at home.

Read More

Au Revoir LV

In my last post I wrote that I'm quick to drop men, and yesterday I had to drop LV. We didn't even get a chance to spend any time together, neither in the bedroom nor in the mall.

I have a problem. Men fall in love with me. I know most women would love to have this problem, but it's a HUGE pain in the ass. I make it very clear that I want a casual relationship. I describe what I'm looking for in detail, and most men agree to it. Hell they get to fuck me... and whomever else!

The reality is they're just saying what they think I want to hear just to stay with me. They're hoping I will change, maybe even that they will change me. They're hoping I'll see how perfect we are together, look forward to getting married and make beautiful babies.

When did men turn into women?

As much as I love what the womens' movement has done for basic rights, fairness and freedom, I do blame it for what it has done to men. Most men are pussies. Most need me to take charge in the bedroom. Most cry before I even get comfortable holding their hands.

I want a man to be a man. Walk half a step ahead of me. Hold the door for me. Show me off as your trophy. Kiss me goodbye in the morning and make love to me when you return from work. Take charge in the bedroom. But most importantly, Be PATIENT with me.

I don't jump into a relationship of any sort just for the hell of it, but I will jump out of one faster than speedy gonzalez.

And so I had to bid farewell to LV. There's not enough sugar in the world to get me into a long-term relationship that I'm not interested in. Not enough sugar to pull me out of medical school and drop my dreams. Not enough sugar to move across the country to be with him.

Au revoir LV. J'espere que tu trouves ton amour.

Read More

Drop it...

I'll be the first to admit that I'm quick to drop relationships. I'm easily scared off, put off or just not getting off. It's unhealthy, but again... I'm working on it.

It's also unhealthy when I stay in relationships in hopes that things will improve.

Some Examples:
1. Environmental Lobbyist: Horrible Horrible kisser, but HOT and PREPPY. Kissing never did improve.
2. My ex-boyfriend: Clingy, Spastic, Hard-headed, but passionate and loved me. He's still crazy.
3. LegalSeafoods: Liar, cheater, unavailable, but oh so charming and perfect to bring home.

All of these relationships were unhealthy, but I got rid of these guys and haven't looked back.

I won't get rid of friends though.

I actually tried to get rid of my best friend once. I was in college, she was a waitress. I was upset that she didn't go to college, that she wasn't trying to get out of our hometown and do something with her life. I reduced phone calls, kept conversations short, tried so hard to push her away. But she wouldn't let me go and for that I'm grateful.

I was the one with the problem, but it took me years to figure it out and solve it.

So what happens now when friendships upset me? Sorta the same thing. I pull away and make myself unavailable.

I'm doing it right now.

Medical School naturally makes me unavailable. Last year I was so upset that I couldn't go out every night or meet up whenever people wanted. I tried and it took a toll on schoolwork, so I prioritized. All of my friends supported me and continued to respect our friendship.

Recently, a friend of mine got upset with our group because we didn't all have time to meet up for brunch. I tried not to get upset, but it re-surged all of my depression from last year because I couldn't meet up. I sent as civil an email as I could, and have yet to hear a reply... let alone an apology.

I can't change my friends. I don't want to change them. I just want them to respect our friendship.

An imbalance can be unhealthy, but I'm willing to stand on one foot for as long as it takes because I am NOT quick to drop my friends.

Read More

The Mole

Today was an exam day. After an exam, you'd be lucky if I touched anything related to medicine.

I got my haircut. I walked around Newbury. I was feeling good, so I decided I wanted to go out on a date tonight. Unfortunately RedSox had a fundraiser to attend, and LV is playing poker at Foxwoods. So....... Craigslist it is.

I posted to get a burger at the 21st Amendment, and as expected close to 30 guys responded. But I went with... sorry I have to... Mole.

I didn't notice it in his pic. jpegs are small. I'm not looking at details. I'm just looking for someone I "can" or "cannot" be seen with. When I saw Mole, well... I didn't see the mole. I saw someone with whom I could be seen.

I agreed to meet him at 21st, and things started out great! We said hello, even had a friendly hug. We left the bar area to sit at a table, where there was better lighting. That's when I saw it... a prominent mole above his eye.

I'm more mature than this, so I went right into conversation. We talked about a bunch of random stuff with witty banter back and forth. Everything was going really well. The burgers were fab. I had an awesome oktoberfest.

But I couldn't help it. My eyes kept wandering back to the mole, and I'd be in a trance.

Needless to say, I was back home in less than an hour. I guess the mole had enough and whispered to my dinner companion that it was time to go.

Before I wrote this entry, I was thinking of researching moles on medline so I could educate all of you... and reassure myself that they're not contagious or life-threatening or GROSS (even though they are totally gross).... but like I said today was an exam day, and I'm not about to touch anything related to medicine.

Read More

Just giving you a hard time...

"Wow 2 nights in a row? You don't ever see a guy 2 nights in a row unless he's visiting from out of town."- My Trophy Roomate

I met RedSox in May. Suprise Surprise thru Craigslist. I wasn't responding to an ad for a date. I had gone out to party, and it sucked. Not horribly, but partying isn't the same now that I'm in medical school. I'm home at 2am-ish, drunk and I decide to go on craigslist to rant about my evening. And then I read a post written by someone who sounded like he had a night JUST like mine.

Asshole... I was supposed to write it!

Well I couldn't rant about my night, so I responded to him expressing my empathy... sympathy... ugh whatever you call it. Vocabulary is not my forte.

The next morning RedSox responded to my email. He seemed cool. I liked his writing style. He said he had never posted on Craigs, and in fact he had forgotten he put up the post in his drunken state. We exchanged instant messenger names and kept chatting. Then we exchanged pictures....

OK OK. I'm superficial, snobby, arrogant... the ultimate egomaniac.

RedSox wasn't very attractive. Sweet smile, but a bit on the "larger" side. I decided to keep chatting with him. We hadn't talked about dating or anything. We were just chatting as "friends." Clearly I'm a fan of quotation marks... or I'm just trying to make myself feel better.

At the end of May, RedSox asked me if I was free to attend a Sox/Yankees game. What idiot would say no?

We met... We went into the private season ticket holder entrance and sat in the most AMAZING seats ever at Fenway.

I liked RedSox. He was a genuinely nice guy, but yeah... I had no interest in dating. He, on the other hand, was interested. I went along with life as usual, but things got more and more uncomfortable.

Finally, I decided to try something new... be mature. I told him I wasn't interested in a relationship. I just wanna have fun. He agreed, and suddenly things took a 180 degree turn. We were having so much fun together! It's like a huge weight was lifted off both of our shoulders. The rest of the summer was fabulous.

About a month ago, after a brutal set of exams, I went out with my Trophy roomate. We didn't have a fun night. Med School continues to ruin my fun, and now Law school ruins hers.

When I got home, RedSox was online and IMed me to tell me what a crappy night he had. In my drunken state, I told him we could hang out... but only if he kissed me.

Trophy was less than pleased... she thought I was leading him on. Trophy REALLY likes RedSox for me by the way.

RedSox signed off and I swear 5 minutes later he was calling me to tell me he was outside my door. Off I went.

We went back to his place. I've stayed there several times before on the couch, but this time I was in his bed and we were watching dvds for a bit. Then I turned towards him and kissed him.

It was GREAT. I'm usually not one to comment on kissing unless it sucks, but we matched point on point. I spent the night, and we didn't have sex... highly unusual.

We've talked and have decided to be friends with benefits. It works for my commitment-phobic, free-spirited, lying-to-myself personality.

Things have been great. We've been hooking up once per week ever since... and it keeps getting better.

Don't get too excited. I'm still taking things slowly... well "emotionally" slow. And I will continue my bad behavior. And I will still be out drinking and having a good time and keeping things superficial.

"sure sure... do whatever Roxy. I'm just giving you a hard time... you like RedSox, you like Redsox."- Trophy

Maybe I do...

Read More

Smile

I just read one of my friend's away messages. "Smile. It makes people wonder what you've been up to."

It's true. I smile quite a bit, and I'm always up to something.

Tonight, I met with a potential sugar daddy. I know I know. It makes me a whore, prostitute, whatever you want to call it. But I assure you that this has been a long process. Almost 2 years.

I didn't hear the term until after college. I read about it on craigslist, and I was appalled! Who would do that?

But of course... I pursued it.

First, I tried to get the definition. No consensus. Then I posted for a daddy. No luck. Then I responded to posts to be a baby. Nothing satisfied me.

On and off for 2 years I tried to find something that worked. I finally realized that sugar daddy/sugar baby is a unique relationship that is different for each individual couple.

And when I realized this... I met Las Vegas. I'll call him LV for short.... only because I might be wearing some more Louis Vuitton thanks to him.

We met for the first time tonight and went out for steak at Mortons. Fabulous as expected. I fully intended this evening to be experimental. A typical "date" perhaps. We meet, chat, have great conversation. He pays. I say thanks. That's my general routine.

But tonight we talked about an arrangement. I didn't believe it was possible, but we had chemistry. He laid down an offer. Shit, I'd have sex with him for free... but that offer... well it's the kind of freedom any human... er sugar baby... would ask for.

So I'll be seeing LV again.... and next time you see me, you'll know why I'm smiling.

Read More

Congratulations! (For what???)

Recently I was asked to be an honorary attendee at a fundraiser. I told people because I wanted to share the news of the fundraiser in hopes that they could attend or pass the word along. Most couldn't afford $250/plate or preferred to spend the money on other things, but they did offer congratulations and praise for the honor that I received.

I didn't expect the compliments and while I am appreciative, I'm still not sure how to take them... you see I don't think this is anything special.

Growing up in my household, academic achievements were expected. Other honors and achievements were disregarded. I can remember a very specific example from back in high school. Let me re-write a diary entry for you. I wrote the following on Dec. 8th, 1997 when I was 16:

*****I guess my last entry was written before I told my parents about being selected as the hostess for the Mr. Anonymous High School Contest. When mom came home, I was soooo happy, but something inside me was like, 'Are you sure you wanna tell your parents?' I couldn't think of any reason why not, so I ran downstairs all happy and gave my mom a huge hug and screamed that I was hostess!

She congratulated me, but it didn't seem real. The next thing she said was "when is this contest?" Right away I knew that I should've listened to my gut before. She was questioning the date to make sure that it didn't interfere with my SAT preparation.

I said March and she was all relieved. I went back upstairs no longer feeling so happy.

As if that wasn't bad enough, she came upstairs 5 minutes later and said, "When you came running down, I thought you got a 1600 on your PSATs."

I didn't say anything, but I was thinking 'FUCK YOU!! Everything in my fucking life revolves around the fucking SATs. DAMMIT!! Can't you support me instead of pressure me? And you ask why I don't tell you things or why I say I hate indian people. You're all the fucking same. Plenty of pressure but NO support.'

Well this incident brought me to an ultimate low. I was already lacking self-esteem because of my looks, now I just lack everything.*******

I'm not lacking everything anymore, but yeah... some things. After that incident 11 years ago, I pretty much stopped communicating with my parents. I continued to get straight A's and do the Indian thing... but really it was/is to keep them off my back.

I still share my achievements, but I'm not excited about them as much as I should be. As expected, my parents are never excited for me.

So when I told my parents about attending the fundraiser as an honorary attendee and when I asked them to come, I received an email from my dad... only.

"We will pass on the dinner."

So when you all support me, encourage me, congratulate me... please believe me when I say Thank You. I sincerely mean it.

I hope after reading this entry you can understand why I don't allow myself to get excited. Friends are amazing, but family is forever. When family doesn't care, how can I?

Read More

Anonymous

Dear Reader,

I haven't been writing very long, so if you're reading this it means that you're probably a good friend of mine. This undoubtedly means you know my identity.

I am begging you not to reveal my name to your friends should you decide to share my blog. I also ask that you keep my name out of your comments. In fact, please forget my name altogether. Use Roxy if you must...

You see I'm not very good at connecting with people. I know you think that is BS since I am TOTALLY the life of the party. It's true though. Have you ever noticed how light and fluffy conversation is? How everything is fabulous? How drunk I am? How often I say "No Worries" when I'm sober?

Well there are worries, and things aren't always fabulous. Conversation should be more meaningful. I'm scared though. I have this intense fear of not being perceived as strong and confident.

I'm working on it... a good friend told me that you can't take 25 years of Roxy and change overnight. So that's why I have this blog. I'm diving right in and sharing stuff that I'd normally keep to myself or share randomly with select people here and there.

It's a start, and I hope you respect that. I want to be able to shout out everything to the world, but for now I'll shout it out in a blog... anonymously.

Sincerely,
Roxy... aka Anonymous

Read More