Hysteria!

I hope everyone had and/or is continuing to have a wonderful holiday season. 

The Hysteria bag from gucci was my fabulous gift from Santa. I have re-coordinated my New Years outfit around it.

Speaking of New Years, I made reservations for dinner at the latest and hippest new bar in Boston. The M bar at the new Mandarin Oriental is super sexy and swarming with sugar daddies. For New Years though, I wanted to share it with RedSox and anyone else who was in town.

I made the reservation and told RedSox. It's a tapas menu with a bottle of champagne included. He loves tapas so I figured he would love this idea. Yesterday he took one look at the menu and said he'd rather go elsewhere since most of the dishes are seafood dishes.

I was pissed, but I wasn't going to give up on the M bar that easily. I made a safety reservation at Ruths' Chris Steakhouse since that's our favorite steak place.  I also called the M bar and asked them if the chef would make alternative dishes for RedSox. I told them he's allergic to seafood.

I hope the chef hooks me up because I really really really want to go there to celebrate the new year... and show of my new bag ;)

Read More

Viva Las Boston

I tried out a sugar daddy site during the month of November. It was an interesting site, to say the least. Most of the men were more interested in a relationship than in being a sugar daddy... which I found odd since Sugar and Daddy were two words in the URL.

I was contacted by several men all over the country and in some different parts of the world. I enjoyed the attention, the compliments. Most would email for a while and then fall off the face of the earth... no different from any other form of internet dating. 

Some stuck to pursuing me, heavily. I actually did meet 2 men from the Boston area. Both are very sweet, but I don't think they're better than RedSox in any way. 

However, this past weekend I was supposed to meet one from california. He had suggested flying me to Vegas (deja-vu), and I accepted assuming he would be another douche to fall through the cracks. Then he emailed me with my airline confirmation. 

I told Sister and Teacha and went to the airport on Friday. Low and behold, we had a massive snowstorm that cancelled all flights... a different deja-vu.

All plans were cancelled, and we realized nothing would pan out for months as I finished interviewing and ultimately finished medical school. But Zoros, the young and handsome CFO I was supposed to meet in Vegas, decided I still deserved some pampering.

He sent me a $300 gift card to a local spa to enjoy some pampering on him. I must say if I never meet the guy, I envy the women who get to.

Read More

Eye-Opener

No, I'm not talking about the CAGE questionnaire for alcoholism.

I'm talking about an email I read a few days ago. One that I shouldn't have read because it was an invasion of privacy, but one I'm glad I read because it really had an impact on me.

So I had my first radiology interviews this week. One was in NYC,  and naturally I hit up OleMiss for a place to stay and some old-fashioned southern comfort. wink wink.

He and I were probably on our second bottle of wine when we started talking about our dating situations. He revealed that he was back in touch with his ex... let's call her Exie.

OleMiss met Exie about 2 years ago. (He and I were moving along swimmingly with a casual but fabulous long-distance relationship.) He really liked her and chose to pursue her, breaking my heart...

When that happened, I put my steel armor back on and fell back into some old ways. We always maintained our friendship, but I shoved my feelings deep into my subconscious. When OleMiss and Exie broke up the following year, our "relationship" resumed. But my feelings weren't allowed to come back.

This past Monday, OleMiss told me that Exie was back in his life. She took him to the emergency room last month when he had all of his health issues. She took care of him the whole time. In his state of vulnerability he got to thinking about the future and what matters... so they got back together.

They quickly realized their problems were still around, and neither one of them was working hard enough to compromise on future wishes and plans... so they broke up again. They continue to communicate and I know this because I read an email she sent him.

I'm Sorry!! It opened right up when I clicked on gmail. I saw the words "I'm sorry about last night" and I couldn't stop reading.

Her words had an intense outpouring of love. The emotion was more than I had experienced in written word before. I felt jealous of her ability to love OleMiss, of her emotions. I was actually happy to read his email returning the feelings.

Alas, their issues.... Alas, my issues. But wow... what an eye-opener to... love.

Read More

Quick Relief

 After not being able to shake my anger the following day, I decided the only way to feel better would be to hit my father where it hurts the most... his wallet.

I bought a gorgeous Burberry tote for $500. Instant smile!

Read More

Residency Rage

I think if I bit someone right now, I'd infect them with rage... 

I had my first session with a new therapist on Wednesday to talk about my anger issues. Basically everything is setting me off. If I don't show it on the outside, it's destroying me on the inside. The whole residency process is stressful. I have to keep track of a lot of things, and when my parents get involved, stress skyrockets and anger ensues.

On Wednesday, I laid everything out on the table for my therapist and she feels like learning to deal with my parents is going to be the major focus during our time together. At the end of the session, she told me to try and keep track of things that are getting me angry.

Let me tell you what just happened, since this will probably be the entire focus of my next therapy session.

Today my mom called me on the way home from work. She was in the car with my dad. She was wicked excited on the phone telling me that Denver sent a letter to my parents' house and made me an offer outside of the match for my preliminary year.

Before I reacted I had two questions:

1. Why did Denver send the letter to my parents' address?

2. Why did Dad open mail addressed to me?

I told my mom this was a lot to take in, and I'm working my shift at the gym so I'll call when it's over. At the time that I call, I want her to READ the EXACT words in the letter to me. 

I called Sister and told her the news. She was beyond elated. She kept raving about how exciting this offer is, how I can cancel the rest of my prelim interviews and focus on radiology, how awesome Denver would be for a year, etc etc. 

For the rest of my shift I went over the option with several co-workers, getting their thoughts. I processed the offer, and was getting pretty excited myself. I didn't expect it all. Hell, my 'thank you' letters haven't even arrived in Denver.

I called my mom the second I got home. She tells me dad made a mistake, then reads the letter to me. It was basically a letter saying "thanks for coming, call if you have any questions." At the bottom the residency director hand-wrote "Come to Denver," which I'm sure he writes on all the letters.

This was a courtesy letter, an encouraging letter, but NOT an offer to bypass the Match and join the intern class next year. I was FUMING. I yelled at my mom about dad opening my mail. He should not have done that, nor said anything since he's not in medicine and doesn't know anything about the Match. She, in turn, should not have called me without reading the letter herself.

For the last 2 hours, I was pacing around telling everyone. My co-workers, Sister, RedSox... all these people think I've got an offer in Denver and it turns out I don't. 

I feel embarrassed, upset... bummed out. I am FUMING with anger, I can't really move.

I have plenty of material for my next session with my therapist... and my dad didn't think I needed to see one.

Read More

Tap the Rockies

I just had my first interviews for the preliminary year in Denver. The first interview I kinda screwed up a bit. She asked me why I didn't want to become a regular medicine doctor, and I hadn't prepped that question. I faltered a bit, but basically told her I LOVE medicine but I was highly influenced by my radiology rotations and felt my personality fit well in radiology.

My second interview was with the residency director himself. He pretty much read me my letters of recommendation, my dean's letter, all the positives about me and told me that he would love to have me there. It was really cool to hear and when he put the ball in my court, I took the bait and ran with it.

Once the interview was over, I was able to focus on another reason to visit Denver... WhiteRapper.

I haven't seen him since we met over a year ago. We've chatted here and there, but after my last trip to Denver got cancelled by a snowstorm I figured that was God's way of telling me to stick with RedSox.

With my invitation to interview in Denver, I took it as a sign that I just need to be Roxy a little bit longer.

WhiteRapper picked me up the night before my interview. He had green tea for me upon arrival at baggage claim. We drove back to his place and he cooked me dinner. I told him ahead of time that I do not want to drink the night before my interview so he kept me well hydrated with water. We spent quite a while talking and then went to bed... his bed.

I couldn't sleep so we chatted most of the night. He rubbed my back to calm my nerves and instead it excited some different nerves. I told him I wanted to cuddle... and then I told him I wanted more. I fell right asleep afterwards... completely satisfied.

We woke up the next morning early. After my shower, I was greeted with a healthy breakfast and green tea. Then I met WhiteRapper's son...

For a little bit of background, WhiteRapper had a terribly rocky on-off relationship with his girlfriend of 7 years. He got her pregnant in Boston... right after I met him in my home town.

The little guy is the cutest baby ever. He let me hold him. He held my hands as I helped him learn to walk. He grabbed the cross around my neck and learned the word Jesus. I quickly apologized to WhiteRapper because I know mom is Hindu. What?...

Every morning he made me breakfast. He planned our days of hiking and checking out Colorado. He paid for everything, and appropriately let me buy things. He bought me a beautiful Alexis Bittar bracelet as a congrats gift after my interview.

I had a great time with WhiteRapper.... finally spending an adequate amount of time together after meeting on MySpace 4 years ago.

I know some of you disagree with my behavior, and I'm not going to defend it. I don't follow socially acceptable practices or typical morals. I do what I feel... and this past weekend I felt like tapping the Rockies.

Read More

Pot Meet Kettle *Guest Blogger!*

The following is post a friend of mine wanted to post on his blog, but due to the vicious attitude of fellow bloggers, he felt it better to get this rant of his chest elsewhere. I have adjusted the post a bit to be fair to all since I don't know the woman of whom he speaks.

Someone should alert Kelly of The Unbearable Heaviness of BEING BLOG  to the fact that exposing someone's HIV status along with his name and the name of his long-term girlfriend is ILLEGAL. I don't know why I read her blog. It's all fun and games until someone loses his/her mind (as my brother says). 

Kelly has lost her mind.

The short story is that some dude she was screwing for 2 years, who was never her boyfriend AND told her to her face that he wasn't monogamous, turned out to have a long-term girlfriend. Outraged that this guy, aka her long-term-f*ck-buddy-and-NOTHING-more, didn't wish to promise his undying love to a mental patient, she did some online sleuthing. She found the girlfriend's information, contacted her... and drama ensued.

The girlfriend, I think, told Kelly that the boyfriend is HIV positive. I say "I think" because there are so many holes in Kelly's story that it resembles swiss cheese. Who knows what is true?

Kelly didn't make the guy wear a condom every time* so I know she's writing this post after the post about her deadly secret. But don't ask her to reveal it!!!! Duh...

In a state of rage one night, she writes a blog post about the guy and his girlfriend, calls them both by their REAL FULL NAMES and states he is HIV positive.

Since she won't shut the f*ck up about it, ANOTHER f*cked-up bully blogger looking for a cat fight writes about the story on her blog and repeats the names along with Kelly's name. Whatever. 

Kelly feels violated. She is a demented hypocrite who needs to get a life and seek treatment before she's homeless and rocking back and forth talking to her hands. There should be a law against bloggers who use their blogs as buly pulpits. Arrest them! Or take away their computers or something. This is out of hand.

*if the whole damn story is true and he is in fact positive AND didn't tell her, then he sucks and should be put in jail alongside her. She says he falsified a test and lied about being positive. I seriously can't keep all the details straight.

Read More

Disproportionality

I am soooooooo sorry I haven't written. Though I must say, there hasn't been much going on. I'm still a stressball about residency applications, but what I'm finding is that my only prelim-year interview is Denver. This is surprising, because I officially have 4 interview offers for radiology.

I was expecting to struggle with rads over prelim, but after talking to the doctor at my clinic today I feel better. She imagines that since I'm only going to be at a hospital for one year, that hospital would probably care more about interviewing the people who plan to stay for a full program in Internal Medicine.

It makes sense, but still... I've applied all over the damn country for this ONE year. It's kinda nerve-wracking that I might have to fly out somewhere at the drop of a hat and for a huge chunk of change (luckily not my change, so I don't have THAT much stress).

I admitted to my mom yesterday that I didn't apply anywhere in Boston for the one year transition/prelim. She was not happy... neither was RedSox.

But I gotta put me first because I'm sure you'll all agree that you can't take care of someone until you can take care of yourself.

I'm still working on myself.

Read More

A Glorious End Nears

I only have to do 8 rotations this year. This means I'll be done with school at the end of February. Match Day is March 19th, so after that I don't see any reason to stay in my apartment anymore.

I have lived in my apartment for about 5 years, and I think what has happened here has taught me a lot about myself and what I need.

I need:

1. a roomate who PAYS the rent and doesn't skip out, leaving it to me.... I had to pay off $1200 from my savings account for Becky.

2. a roomate-with-friend-potential to be honest... not send me a long email listing everything I did that pissed her off over our 2 years living together.

3. a bed that doesn't require a ladder and can fit 2 people

4. a closet

I have loved my place otherwise. I live in one of the best neighborhoods in Boston. I can walk to school, work, my mom's office, the post office, the grocery store, the pharmacy, the gym, Newbury St.

But it's time for a change... a big one... in a big way. I sent my father an email tonight. The man likes to ponder issues, so I figured an email gives him time to process my demands. We communicate the best through emails anyway, and to be perfectly honest (if it isn't already obvious) my father and I are big fans of bullet points.

The email:

A few thoughts on the imminent end of medical school.
1. I am done with school at the end of February. Match Day is the third week of March. At the end of March, i don't see any reason to stay in my apartment. Even if I do my prelim year in Boston, I don't want to live in my place anymore.

2. Sister and I have talked about me living with her in california until graduation. I can also take me step 2 clinical skills exam in LA, so I may avoid the extra expense of flying to Atlanta to take it.

3. Since I never want to live in a place without a closet or proper bed ever again, I will need the $25,000 I gave you a few years ago back. You may keep the profit (or suck up the debt). But since I'll be on my own, I'd like to have the extra cushion.

Love, Roxy

My father wrote back that the money has always been available to me. I don't know how, but I'll figure it out soon enough and get it into the account I know and love.

Read More

well I can't say I didn't try...

but I'm sure fatigue played in a role in my score.

So I didn't get a 280. I was expecting that. My score ended up being in the 220s, which is the national average.

I'm hopeful that I can still move forward in the application process, but it's still going to be incredibly difficult.

So now I need interview help...
How do I answer the questions "most people we take have much higher scores, why should we consider you?" and "why didn't you do better?"

If any of you have thoughts on this, I'd appreciate some advice on how I can say I'm not a weak candidate. I don't really have anything else to back me up...

Read More

New Girlfriends

I found out today that my board results will be available tomorrow. I've been praying non-stop for a great score and staring at the sticker on my mirror that says 280. I don't know what's going to happen but hopefully my life will ultimately result in happiness and satisfaction.

To get the ball rolling in that direction, I know one thing that makes me happy is having great girlfriends. Now all of mine have either left Boston or can rarely hang out, and that's not conducive to my happiness when there are sooooo many great events in the city.

So I turned to the one person I know and trust to help me out. Craig... of craigslist.

I posted for girlfriends for drinks, events, shopping, more drinking, etc. As happened the last time, many women responded. Unfortunately some I couldn't relate to (under 21, kids, need to drive into the city). Others seemed great, so I started meeting them last week.

I started on Sunday with brunch. I met 3 girls who were all truly sex & the city. There was the quiet & kind charlotte, the shoe-obsessed carrie, the hungover miranda, and me... Samantha.

We had a great brunch and the hungover Miranda and I went to Saint later that night for Industry night. We had a blast, but she kinda was a sloppy drinker. No worries... I can be that way too sometimes.

A few days later I met with Teacha. She seemed really cool, loved the same things I did and dated the same way I used to... and want to again. We had a great time grabbing drinks and went out again last night for a restaurant's anniversary party.

Open bar, Moet rolling off my lips... again we had a fabulous time.

I think I found a great new girl-friend. As for the rest... we'll see.

In the mean-time, let's see how I did on my board exam. Please God Please... a fabulous score would be much appreciated.

Read More

Interviews and the bald spot

I got my first rejection letter last week from a transitional year program. Though I know I will be getting plenty of rejections, it still hurt that the first piece of news was a rejection. It was a program in NYC, too.

I tried not to let it get me down and convinced myself that they are going to regret it once they see my application picture. I've got more important things to worry about anyways.

My bald spot... it's increased in diameter. 

I don't know if I've ever conveyed my obsession with my hair, so let me break it down for you.

I have been in love with hair since before I learned the word. As a kid, I loved working my hair in the morning. My parents never let me buy products or get a salon hair-cut, so I would go crazy if there was any humidity or if I couldn't get the volume I wanted.

When I finally left the nest and could buy my own products, I put more work into my hair. When I landed my first hair-modeling job, the stylists taught me more about products than I ever realized.

I don't spend hours on my hair, but it is my favorite physical feature so when I discovered the bald spot in June, I nearly sh!t a brick. I saw my mom that day who blamed it on past experiences dye-ing my hair. I saw my PCP a few weeks later who brushed it off as alopecia. My sister told me to start taking vitamins and wait a bit. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I noticed the spot getting bigger. A hair stylist told me he still sees all the hair follicles, so it's not permanent.... but he suggested I might be pulling my hair out in my sleep. I slept with my hands in my back pockets that night.

The dermatologist today was happy to see that hair was indeed growing back, but she didn't like the obvious signs of inflammation. She injected the spot with steroids and now I'm sitting here with one side of my head kinda numb... but reassured that when the stress (hopefully) goes away, my hair will be back.

And to start the relaxation process, I got an offer for my first interview for a transitional year in Denver, CO. 

I don't ski... but snowboarders are hot!

Read More

I am NOT a perfectionist

I will deny it to all high hell... I am NOT a perfectionist.

So I have to attach a picture to my residency application and I want it to be hot.

Now I know what you're thinking... Bitch is crazy.

And you are correct... sorta.

Let's keep it real people. LOOKS MATTER. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or delusional. It does not matter that this application is to be a doctor. It's essentially still a man's world. Don't worry though... I'm working on that ;)

In my non-perfectionist, non-obsessive, TOTALLY laid-back state of mind I decided to take my own picture. I went to the salon and got my hair did. I bought a new shirt from BCBG. I made RedSox stand in a corner and snap away.

After 25 dismal shots, I ripped the camera out of his hands in a silent fury and told him he did a great job.

The next day, I did my own hair. The only plain white wall I have is my bathroom door. The only camera-person around is my cat, but Sebastien was more interested in being in the picture than taking them. I did the whole camera-timer thing. 

I wore 3 different shirts and I took another 30 pictures.

I narrowed the pics down to about 10 and cropped out the cat, the fact that I was sitting on the floor, the bathroom wall and whatever else.

I sent the pics to a whole bunch of people and most chose the pic of me in a button-down that totally washed me out. The pics that I liked better had me in a gorgeous yellow, but a bit more boobalicious and me wearing my cross. 

My mom happened to love the yellow top, so she chose a couple that she liked the best and cropped the boobs and Jesus.

So after all the pics, several peoples' input and respect for professionalism and Judaism... I've chosen my picture.

And if I didn't make it clear before... I am NOT a perfectionist.

Read More

Dad and Air Fresheners

The EXACT email cut & pasted here for your reading pleasure:

Hello, I just read an article about the negative effects on health if you inhale Air Freshners even once in a week. I don't know you use it or not regularly. Anyway be aware of the negatives. The article is in MSN. luv dad

I'm not gonna attack the blatant grammar and spelling mistakes. All i'm gonna say is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Gotta love his obsession with MSN articles.

Read More

8 sections- 9 hours

I thought there were gonna be 6 maybe 7 sections, but there were 8... 1 hour... sections plus an hour of break time. I brought a can  diet coke but maybe I should have brought two.

So last week I did pretty well on the practice exam. I got 81% of the practice questions  correct. I was hopeful that I could do that or better.

OH MY GOD... doubt it!

There were questions with answers I have never heard of. There were questions that took up a whole page (and thus much of my time). I guessed on many if not most of my answers.

I'm pretty sure I could study for YEARS and still not know many of the questions/answers for this exam.

And you know what... every damn residency committee out there makes me feel like my scores are all that matters.

I asked you all to pray and chant and ask the universe for me to get a 280. I don't think that score is even possible, but a residency director told me that I would only be considered if I got a 260.

Do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like *I* don't matter.

And then I study my a$$ off to answer questions that I would probably never know the answer to even as a top notch doctor.

I wonder if one day this will be worth it... because it's not feeling like it ever has been or ever will be.

Read More

TOMORROW

The day has finally come. I'm trying not to flip out, but clearly I am.

I pray to God that all my studying pays off. I hope I trust my brain. I will try not to change answers (since I'm sure that is what screwed me over with the first exam).

I will try to relax and eat well. I will hopefully maintain a strong drive and stay alert.

If I must guess, I hope I can narrow my choices enough to let eenie meenie miney moe work in my favor.

It's all in God's hands right now. I hope He helps me succeed.

280 280 280 280 280... Keep chanting!

Read More

Unfortunate Break

I'm on lock-down for exam studying. 

Everybody please put out the number 260 into the universe. That's the score I'm hoping (need) to get.

If you really love me... push for 280.

Thanks!

I'll be back at the beginning of October. 

Read More

A midwestern thought

I kinda have this urge to do my transitional year in the midwest (this is with the hope that i even get interviews).

I'm talking to as many residents as possible about programs, and everyone agrees that the midwest hospitals are really nice. 

People are friendly. There's good ancillary service. It's cheap. You get a sweet hook-up.

All concluded that they didn't want to spend a full residency out there because there wasn't much going on.

Now... all I ever hear about are how good midwestern boys are. 

And I'm thinking that many, for one year, should experience some bad....

in the form of me!  

Read More

Ick

Over the past couple of weeks I've been feeling friendless. I have many friends, but most are not in Boston. The few who are in Boston are not really up for the same stuff I am anymore.

My last roomate and I became really good friends and we've been trying to hang out forever. Last night we finally did.

We got together for drinks and talked forever about what's going on. Then her roomate called and asked us to join her at the Skank. 

The skank was a typical shit-show of crazy drunken fun. We were wasted. I was more wasted than I have been in a long time, but one thing I did that I haven't done in forever was have disgusting chinese food at the end of the night. 

It's 6pm and I'm still feeling the "ick" from last night. My head is a little swirly and my stomach is pissed. My personal trainer wanted me to go to Saint tonight. I was super excited, but I just cancelled cos I need to feel better for a rockin day of studying tomorrow.

Read More

What does it take nowadays?

It's pretty sad that no matter how hard one works or how far one goes in education, it's no longer good enough.

With every radiologist I meet, all make it a point not to get my hopes up. One residency director took a nice shit on me because of my scores. Another tells me I better "stand out" without giving any specifics.

During my surgery rotation (i'll never get over this so suck it up) attendings, residents and nurses loved putting down med students. Granted there's a certain personality type that works in that level of hell, but it is horrible that we have to be subjected to the abuse. 

It destroyed me, and I couldn't be myself for the rest of the year. I was terrified of anyone with a longer white coat or colorful scrubs, and I know it took a toll on my grades. 

In addition, Tufts decided to make it MUCH harder to get honors by reprimanding attendings and putting score requirements for shelf exams. Low and behold, I could never get honors because I could never get the score I needed. 

So now I have nothing to back me up as a person (yes that's what 3rd year grades are supposed to show) when my board scores suck. 

Thanks Tufts. This is why Harvard alumni actually donate back to the school. THEY GOT HELP!

This cycle of deprecation is getting younger and younger. One attending told me that his ENTIRE family went to Tufts and his nephew got rejected. Not that being a legacy should be the only reason for an acceptance, but this is a smart kid! Another attending has a daughter who is a straight A student and directed several school plays, but her guidance counselor told her she had no shot at BU or BC. (WHAT???? BU was my safety!!)

I am afraid to have children in this world because they're going to be almost entirely be judged by numbers. It's just getting worse and worse. WHAT WILL IT TAKE?

Read More

I don't take it back

OleMiss and I chat sporadically on gchat. Today he told me he studied all day for the GMAT. I told him I WISH I could study for the GMAT instead of my step 2 exam.

We got to talking freely as usual and the residency application process of course came up. I told him that once I match I bet my mom is gonna push for marriage.

He asked me if I would cave in... and I  told him I pretty much have caved my whole life. I want my parents' money and I mostly have to do what they want to get it.

He said that I can't get married because I'm his back-up.

I don't like being a back-up. I should be first. I'm good-looking, got a great brain, a tight ass, fabulous hair (minus the bald spot) and a strong (VERY STRONG) appreciation for alcohol. 

OleMiss agreed... except I'm up in Boston. 

Without thinking I told him to move back.

And that's where our conversation died. I'm not the type of girl to read too much into anything, so all I have to say is I meant it... I don't take it back.

Read More

Case Report: Chest Pain in a 27yr Female

I woke up at 5am on wednesday with chest pain. I felt nauseated. This was almost classic for a heart attack, but since I'm 27, female, non-white, in great shape and STRESSED OUTTA MY FREAKIN MIND... I concluded that I most likely had a panic attack.

I kinda wanna get an EKG anyways just to frame it and stick it on my wall... but I digress.

I had my third presentation in 4 weeks on Friday. Since I was doing chest radiology, I chose cystic fibrosis. My presentation went well and one of the docs told me it was classy and I definitely made an impression.

GREAT! except... I didn't study at all for my step 2 exam since I was freaking out about the presentation. 

The anxiety didn't go away once I finished either because Saturday my mom had a dinner party for all of the bone radiologists. 

Normally this is awesome because they're all like family and we get wasted together. This time, though, they all heard a rumor that I was applying to radiology. 

Dr. P: I hear you might be applying to radiology. Great move. You should do musculoskeletal radiology. We have the best lifestyle. Look at me. I'm on call tonight and I'm on my 3rd beer. hahaha

Me: hahaha. How is it that you know exactly what to say to convince me? I love drinking. Let's hope you don't get called tonight.

Later that night Dr. P's wife saw me give RedSox a peck on the lips and she screamed "OMG is this your boyfriend???" 

I kinda said nothing and grabbed another drink. Luckily too many people were wasted to care.

Overall the night went well. 

Today, RedSox treated me to a massage for the stress because tomorrow I start GI radiology. I'm praying they don't care about a presentation.

Read More

Dad's dating tips...

... stolen from MSN dating articles.

I've written about this before. My dad is obsessed with dating. He lives vicariously through me like a gossipy girl. When my mom disapproves of my behavior, dad usually loves it.

One of his favorite things to do is read MSN dating/relationship advice. Occasionally he emails an article to me and my sister.

This latest one had me cracking up, so I figured I'd share and offer my opinions as well.

Five Money Questions You Must Ask Your Man

1. How much do you make?
HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Ok I'm sorry, but this is a horrible question to flat out ask a guy until you're 100% sure he's the one. If you're smooth, like me, it will most likely come out in random conversation. My advice: If you wanna know, talk about your salary goals then ask his goals. At the very least you'll figure out what he's NOT making.

2. Got any debt?
HAHAHAHA. Ok not as funny as number one, but still. Debt is a sensitive topic for many people. Again, not something to bring up until it's time for marriage because only then will it matter. In the meantime here's my advice: Never date (for marriage) a doctor or lawyer who is within 5 years of graduation. Most graduate with about $200,ooo in debt unless their parents ponied up. In the meantime, let him wine and dine you because it's not your problem.

3. Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?
I like this question, but not on the first date. This is one that should wait until after the honeymoon period. Bail if he plans to go back to school without having a solid savings first.

4. Are we going dutch?
I've made my feelings on this very clear. His answer better be NO or this is the last time he gets to see me. At the same time, make sure he's cool with you being a working gal. It would suck if in the long run you'd have to ask him for money every time you wanted something.

5. How many kids?
HAHAHAHAHA. ok seriously, don't even come close to asking this question until you know there's a chance of a future. Sure kids are expensive, but I think it's better to want the same number of kids rather than worry about the cost of having them. I personally want 1 boy and 1 girl. I'd be happy with just 1 boy. I'd be in for a lot of trouble if I had a girl like myself... financially and emotionally.

Read More

Muscles & Bones

Lunch time chit-chat with mom

mom: so Tom Brady was here today.

Roxy: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Why didn't you call me???!!!!!

mom: I didn't know I should have. 

Roxy: MOM. He is WAAAAY too HOT not to call. Don't do that again!

mom: Should I have called when Mike Lowell and Curt Shilling were here?

Roxy: AHHHHHHHH!!!! YES! Why didn't you?

mom (manipulative tone): Well why don't you do your fellowship in musculoskeletal radiology and then you can be here yourself.

Roxy: ugh.......

Read More

Into the Mist

The send-off for Gorilla last night was very.... drunk.

We started out on my roofdeck with wine. Lots and lots of wine. Then hit up the Skank, which is one of our fave places for a ladies' night.

I took about 120 pictures. I only remember taking the first 20.

We drank plenty more and hit the dance floor. Some people were crazy on the dance floor. I don't remember any of it, but I have the pictures on my camers.

I made friends with a girl in the bathroom who was wearing my dress in a different color.

I hit the wall and peaced out as I usually do and ended up meeting up with RedSox at a bar by my place. He was sending a friend off to new york as well.

I yelled at him for about 20 minutes and then went home.

This morning I woke up on the couch in a haze but not hungover. I have this trick now where I fill a glass with water before I go out and drink it before I go to bed.

I sat up and waved goodbye.

Enjoy New York city Gorilla! The City of MEN!!!!

Read More

void

I'm feeling pretty sad tonight.

Gorilla moves to NYC on Sunday.

Though she's not the last of the girlz to leave Boston (Ruby is all over the place)... it sure feels like the summer after graduating college when all my college girls moved out of Boston.

I've got some great gal pals in med school, but we're all focused on our futures, so it's tough. Madge is in Peru. One is in Philly. Another is in DC.  The other... well I'm sure she's doing a rotation in Boston.. but the fact is we're all freaking busy.

Couple this with me being a little tipsy right now... and stressed about step 2 (and I haven't even signed up for it yet)... life is not great.

I'm pretty sure that if I match in radiology... it's going to be at MGH... in Boston....

I'm pretty sure that though I will LOVE radiology... I will be sad in Boston. 

There will pressure to marry RedSox (who is great and wonderful, but not it right now).  

I will be 33 years-old by the time I finish residency and have another chance to leave Boston... and my risk of trisomy 21 will have sky-rocketed... and i'll probably be ugly... oy.

I need to stop. 

I'm trying to be thankful and faithful and happy... but life would be so much better if I had died at 22 as I had hoped. Sorry to be morbid, but the height of life is the way to go (look at heath ledger being nominated for an oscar for freakin batman!)

I'm going to bed. I've got another gruesome day of studying tomorrow that will hopefully boost my chances of... something... 

Read More

$$Hamptons$$

I learned on wednesday that everyone from Boston, except me cancelled on Sam's birthday in the Hamptons. I could not believe that close to 30 people RSVPed yes, and I'm the only one that actually came. 

I was feeling uneasy about how the weekend would go, but it turned out to be a blast.

After breakfast Friday morning, we hopped into a car and made the treck out into the depths of Long Island. The Hamptons house... fabulous. Pool, tennis court, basketball court, sandy volleyball court, pool table, foosball, etc. Tons of bedrooms and bathrooms.

I studied for a bit and then jumped in the pool. By 9pm, the house was filled with about 40 people. We got dressed and hit up Dune for the night. One of the guys hooked the house up with a table and bottles for the night. It was a lot of drinking, dancing on the seats and cheering as Sam turned 30 around midnight.

We headed home close to the club's closing and I slept until noon on Saturday. Brunch was a typical hungover, grease-fest for most people. Afterwards I studied, then we hit up a bar along the beach known for kicking the booze up a notch. That night, we went to Pink Elephant. 

The table was sponsored by Pedro. I'm sure he won't like his credit card bill come September since it cost him close to $2000, but I can assure you the rest of us didn't care. Pink Elephant is known for being one of the most expensive venues in the Hamptons, and the crowd made that very clear. Nearly every table was paid for by old men... surrounded by beautiful women more than happy NOT to pay a dime.

I had dreams of money when I went to bed that night. I woke up early on Sunday morning and got back to NYC with enough time to ride OleMiss before I headed back up to Boston.

Overall a fabulous time. 

HAPPY 30th SAM!!!

Read More

Enough with the Rivalry

"I had sex 6 times yesterday with 2 different guys" I told Sam and Pedro as we got breakfast Friday morning.

I arrived at Jon's on wednesday evening. He greeted me near the subway stop wearing an unattractive po' boy hat. All the fantasizing I had done earlier was gone. I didn't feel as excited to see him as I thought I would. 

We got to his place and I dropped my stuff off thinking we would get it on. Instead, we immediately left for dinner in Little Italy with his best friend. During the entire dinner, we listened to the friend moan about his divorce proceedings. Last time I saw the best friend, his wife was pregnant...

I decided to do what I do best, which is get drunk off another person's money. Jon and I got back to his place, tore off each other's clothes and had great sex. Finally...

The next day, we had sex a few more times but weren't connecting otherwise. Our conversations were bland. Jon seemed to be affected by his best friend's divorce and went on and on about how much relationships suck and how his ideal marriage would involve living in separate homes.

I had enough and told him I needed to hitch a ride to the Hamptons that night instead of the next morning. I called up OleMiss and told him I would be in NYC soon, then left Jon's place knowing that would be the last time I ever saw him. 

When I got to OleMiss's place, the atmosphere was much lighter and the mood much hornier. We watched some TV, drank wine and chatted. Then he pulled me over for a kiss and off we went. I was thinking the whole time that I should have cancelled on Jon because I would have LOVED more OleMiss.

We went to a concert that night on the pier, went out drinking some more, came home and tore off our clothes again. The next morning he begged me to stay, but I had to hop in a car to the glamorous Hamptons...

Read More

Rivalry Sex

Since the Sox killed the Yanks 9-2 last night, the winner is Jon. I am a sox fan and jon is a yankees fan... I love the rivalry sex.

But to make sure he truly deserves the win, I emailed a list of demands that must be met or I'd make other arrangements (ie: go with OleMiss).

1. Buy condoms. 

I'm a firm believer that if women pay for the pill, men should pay for the condoms.

2. No smoking.

Though I used to be a social smoker, I am now an asthmatic. Not being able to breath is the scariest thing I've experienced to date.

3. No motorcycle.

I may be an organ donor, but I secretly hate that I am.

Jon replied to my email saying that he would comply.

I told OleMiss that I couldn't stay with him. I lied and told him I was having issues with recommendations, which is true but obviously not the reason I can't shack up.

OleMiss asked if I'd stay a couple days after the Hamptons instead. Cute, but I start neuroradiology on monday and I have to figure out what that means before then.

Read More

The Rivalry

Sam turns 30 on Saturday. She is the first woman I've ever known to be excited about turning 30. (Of course I'm not counting Jen Gardner's character in 13 going on 30)

In celebration, she planned a big weekend in the Hamptons. I'm going to be going and I cannot wait. First of all there is guaranteed debauchery. Second, I've always wanted to experience the glam Hamptons.

Third, I'm gonna spend a couple days in NYC before going.

Jon was the guy I wrote about in my first few posts of this blog. That was 3 years ago. He and I haven't talked much, but we emailed a bit in June. He emailed me last week to see if I was coming to NYC. I told him I'd be coming on Wednesday.

OleMiss and I have been FWBs forever. He hung me out to dry in June as he respectfully dealt with an exie who still wasn't over him. I told OleMiss I'd be coming to NYC on wednesday.

Jon is expecting me to stay with him... and of course stuff will happen.

OleMiss told me I could stay with him. I told him I prolly wouldn't be able to control myself if I stayed at his place. He told me he's hoping I won't control myself and is expecting me to stay with him.

I fantasize about Jon. Sex, sex and more sex.

I fantasize a little less about OleMiss... but mostly about a relationship.

I'm not sure what all this means, but I do know I have to make a decision tomorrow.

Jon or OleMiss.

I decided to rest my decision on the Sox/Yanks game. If the Sox win, I stay with Jon. If the Yankees win, I stay with OleMiss. The way this series is going, it looks like I'll be staying with OleMiss... but it's POURING right now in Boston... and I just saw lightning... I imagine there won't be a game at all.

Read More

YAY!

ok scratch the depression... I think I might be bipolar because today I am ecstatic!

I spent about 3 hours yesterday re-writing my personal statement. I gave it to my advisor today and he LOVED it.

The doctor who forgot about writing my recommendation may be a little miffed but more at himself for forgetting.

I got a free lunch today and a free afternoon. Tonight I've got a date with RedSox and possibly some movie time with Gorilla.

YAY!

Read More

Ugh...

I think I'm sinking deeper into depression. I met with my Radiology advisor today. Nicest guy ever... totally flaming. He read my personal statement, liked it... then told me to rewrite the whole thing.

I'm starting to freak out again because everyone tells me I must take step 2 of the boards. I must get 50 points higher than my step 1 score. This is not impossible, but it's certainly going to drain me... again.

One of the doctor's who agreed to write a recommendation for me a few months ago totally forgot he was supposed to do it. I'm not sure if he's mad at me for not checking in sooner, but I don't want to harrass people. Freakin fine lines... trying not to cross.

I'm trying to think positively. I'm going to rewrite my essay. I'm going to do a presentation next week for my current rotation. I'm going to go on lockdown in August and study my a$$ off for step 2... and hopefully... (using prayer and the Secret)... I will get an amazing score and get an awesome residency in a big city and never have to drive.

I hate driving.

Read More

Maybe I should be a Dermatologist

so get this... i have acne.

I know people deal with this every day, but I have been pretty blessed with awesome skin for that past 27 years. My dad and sister have/had the worst skin. I've been relatively perfect.

All of a sudden about a month ago i notice a dark spot on my neck. It felt dry, but I freaked out about Kaposi's sarcoma and went to get an HIV test. I should probably get those results now that I think about it.

More smaller dark and dry spots kept showing up on my neck... and NOWHERE ELSE.

I wasn't using any new product. I didn't feel ill. I couldn't figure it out. I went to see my PCP today for my annual visit and he tells me that I have acne.

So now I'm on an acne med...

Read More

Formal Writing

I don't know how many people know this, but I HATE writing... I'm not kidding.

I'm an engineer for pete's sake. I don't write or memorize. I calculate and do.

I love blogging, but it's totally different. Sure you might be judging me, but my future does NOT depend on what I write in this blog.

Basically I blog almost exactly the way I speak... plus what I'm actually thinking when I speak.

So this formal personal statement, personal essay... whatever the hell my residency application requires... takes me FOREVER.

And then it ends up being a piece of crap... and my only salvation is DruHil.

I once asked DruHil to proof-read a 5 sentence essay I wrote explaining why I wanted to study abroad in Paris. I thought it was pretty darn good... straightforward and succinct.

DruHil replied by email 3 minutes later with a one page essay explaining why I wanted to go to Paris. In that essay, my 5 sentences had been coherently scattered throughout.

To this day, I ask DruHil to help me out... and I just sent her TWO personal statements. One for pediatrics.... the other for radiology.

Thanks Dru! You got me to Paris... to med school... and i'm confident to Residency... and don't go anywhere because I've got fellowship to follow ;)

YOU ARE THE BEST!

Read More

Sucked In

I started my new rotation on Monday, pediatric radiology. It was the compromise I reached with my mom since she desperately wants me to become a radiologist... and I like genetics.

Since Monday, I have had several radiologists sit me down and tell me why I need to go into radiology. The pediatric radiologist went on and on about how great pedi rads is and how there's a desperate need for pedi radiologists and how I would make bank in private practice.

The neuroradiologist told me how she was just like me... not a memorizer, engineer, etc... I would totally understand the brain and how it would look when diseased (let me tell you, I still don't know what a normal brain looks like on imaging).

And then there is O. O did his residency and fellowship at my mom's hospital. O tracks me down everyday with a new reason why I should do radiology. Yesterday was only day 3 and he dragged me around a cocktail party to introduce me to all the important department chairs and heads.... and the residency director.

I'll admit I'm getting sucked in. I may not get the patient contact I love as a radiologist, but I have seen some really cool cases. My favorite (yet painful for the patient) was the story of the kid who got testicular torsion after his friend chucked an onion at his package... and well... his balls twisted from the impact.

Ok reality check. I have kept my step 1 board score a secret because I'm embarrassed by it. I am tired of being judged by a number every four years. I know a major reason I have avoided radiology is because many hospitals have a cut off board score... and mine is way below it. I don't have the confidence in my application to get a residency in that field, so I found genetics... an up and coming field that will accept me because they "need" me more than I need them.

Last night I reached a new compromise with my mom. She will talk to the chief of the department and ask him what he thinks my chances are. If he says I may apply to my mom's hospital, I will and rank it first... but the rest of my applications are for genetics.

Read More

The Erotic Massage

Remember the episode of Sex & the City where Samantha finds out that a particular masseur gives happy endings? It made me wonder. Where does this happen? How does this happen?

I perused the M4W section of craigslist as I often do and kept reading this ad for a massage. It sounded like a normal, regular massage... but of course this is craigslist so I knew what it would be about.

I emailed the guy. He sent me his pic. Decent looking... i was still curious.

We chatted back and forth. I grilled him on everything, got references... and made an appointment.

I arrived at his place. It was nice and big, clean, warm and soft. He's obsessed with yoga. Good.

He has a gorgeous cat. She was friendly and outgoing, then she walked away from us and jumped on the bed.

Kitty knew this scenario very well. I did not, so my heart started racing.

He left me alone to get undressed. I laid face down on the bed. He started massaging me. It felt really nice. I could sense his energy through his hands. He did all over and then went in between my legs.

You can imagine what happened next.... and I came.

I haven't come with a man since Berklee. It was such an amazing release, almost like a spiritual experience.

I enjoyed it... I may go back... I almost wonder if it's the therapy I always needed.

Read More

Doing Nothing is Awesome!

It's official. I want to be a trophy wife or a sugar baby. I'm on my 4th week of vacation from med school and I haven't done a single thing ALL day.

Ok that's not true. I've entered a million online contests. I talked to my mom. I thought about the gym and the movies but decided to pet my cat for exercise and entertainment instead.

I love having nothing to do, but having everything as an option.

I could study. Narf.... doubt it!

I could go to the gym... got an appt with my trainer tomorrow so why waste the sweat.

I could go to the movies... ugh I have to wait for the next show to start.

Nah...

You know what?

I love sitting around on my bony ass and doing nothing... though I think I will need to bust out one of my lady toys soon since I can't get any of the men from my past out of my head.

Read More

27

I was looking at pictures from my birthday last night and I must say.... I look fabulous at 27.

I'd like to thank my family and friends for their wishes and love. I also thank you readers for continuing along with my blog.

Read More

If i haven't made it clear...

I LOVE NYC!

I just got home from a fabulous weekend in NYC filled with fun and debauchery. After OleMiss dropped the Ex-bomb, I called up Sam. She was happy to host me this weekend and I think I made the better choice by staying with her.

Saturday night we went to this club called the Pink Elephant. Two of Sam's friends were celebrating their birthdays together. There was lots of booze, tons of dancing and an overall great time. The bar lets people smoke though, so after a while my headache became a bit unbearable and my lungs were pissed. I left and headed over to a dive bar where OleMiss is a bouncer. We chilled and drank at the bar even after they closed. It was a good time, but I still felt annoyed that OleMiss was not gonna take me home. I know I know.

So the next day, we sorta had plans to maybe have brunch but moreso we talked about watching the Celtics game. Since I don't know OleMiss's sleep schedule on the weekends I opted to try a craigslist date for brunch instead. No pics were exchanged, just "hey lets meet." So I met a rather good-looking, very well-educated black guy for mexican food and margaritas. We spent several hours hanging out, and he took me on a tour of the Soho area. Good guy, but alas I thanked him and went on my way.

On my walk back to Sam's place, she texts me that her friend Stewie is going to pick me up at 9pm for a date. I didn't know what else to do but accept, even though I knew nothing about him other than he's Jewish. So 9pm rolls around and Stewie picks me up. We drive around the corner to a true dive. I'm talking darkness, stiff drinks and hipsters. Stewie and I are totally hitting it off and I want him... so when he asked me to go back to his place... I accepted.

Stewie is a nipple guy. I am very tender and sore around the areolas as I type this. His penis... huge. Having only had sex once with RedSox in the past 6 months, I was definitely humming "like a virgin."

All in all a great trip. For those of you wondering what the hell was I thinking with my behavior this weekend, please understand that NYC is my vegas. What happens there, stays there.

Read More

Wanting more than I need

I've been getting my daily horoscope for years. I love it. Sometimes it's right on the money about what's going to happen. Sometimes it's just a little reminder of how to conduct myself that day. Today I received the following piece of info in my horoscope:

Make sure you aren't destroying something wonderful by wanting a great deal more than you really need.

I'm heading to NYC today and I was supposed to be staying with OleMiss. I know it's totally setting myself up for disaster, but I am kinda addicted to the thrill of men. We've been friends forever, with tons of flirtation regardless of the people we're dating. We've been relatively good except for the one mishap last summer where we hooked up.

Anyways, around 9pm last night he calls me to tell me that his ex has been dropping by unannounced from time to time and, while they're not back together, it's probably not a good idea for me to stay for the weekend.

I completely understood and found other arrangements, but I couldn't help feeling a little bit rejected. I know it's completely selfish considering I have RedSox in my life who adores the living shit out of me, but I am selfish...

Though I gotta hand it to my horoscope for the wise words. I have someone wonderful and everything I need. If only I could learn to control the want.

Read More

Frying Eggs on the sidewalk

Ok seriously... seriously... why can't Boston weather be normal for once.

Four days ago i was freezing. Now it's in the 90s.

Have I told you I hate summer? I do. I like the sun from inside only.

I don't want the sun on my skin.... hello melanoma!!!

I don't want to sweat... unless it's from a steamy sexcapade.

Enough with the sweltering heat already. I'd kill for some rain to come and cool off this city.

Read More

My dry spell with Smith Jerrod

When Samantha revealed that she hadn't had sex in 6 months, I felt her pain. It wasn't until this weekend I actually admitted it to the girlz.

Red Sox and I haven't had sex in 6 months. I used to be the Samantha that had to have sex as often as possible. I loved it. I loved the variety of men. I loved the excitement. I loved the different positions. I loved it all... I still do.

Though RedSox didn't "stay with me through chemo", in every other aspect of our relationship he is darn close to perfect. He's a great guy. He loves me. He takes amazing care of me. He always thinks of me first.

I love him... I'm not in love with him.

People have been trying to push buttons and ask me why I'm even dating him. Well, it's because we both know it's going to end. We also both don't see why it should end soon.

I know there is an inkling of hope on his side that I'll stay in Boston for my residency. I also know I have an inkling of hope that I'll return to Boston after my residency ELSEWHERE and he'll be waiting for me.

Neither one of us knows what the future holds, but both of us are happy with the way things are going now. We have a lot of fun together. We make each other laugh. We take care of each other. We enjoy NOW.

Read More

Money aint a thang... but I don't have any

I live off of my parents. It's no secret. They pay for my tuition, my rent, my bills and my food. All of my basic needs are covered... but that's all folks!

See a lot of people think I can get their money whenever I want. A lot of people assume that my parents will pay for everything. For the most part, this is true.

BUT, it doesn't come easy. I can let you borrow my powerpoint presentations if you don't believe me.

Two months ago, I asked my parents if they would send me to Germany at the end of June. I had two very strong supporting arguments for why they should pay for me to go. 1. It's my birthday gift. 2. My cousin is doing research there and I'll have a free place to stay. My parents shot me down.

I was bummed, but another opportunity came up. One of my girl-friends is getting married, and a while ago the girlz talked about getting together for a bachelorette weekend on the west coast. The date was set and gears were grinding. I talked to my parents and used my devastation over Germany as the reason I must go to Portland.

First they wondered why the hell would *I*, the stiletto-clad, Burberry city-girl, ever want to go to Portland. I agreed I don't want to go to Portland, but I do want to see my girlz. I told them that my stay was covered. Coastal cottage, friend's place... all set. The flight would be the only cost.

My parents and sister sent along their mileage info for several airlines, and I went to work hoping I could save money. Unfortunately it wasn't possible, and I charged a whopping $415 for a round-trip flight. I know that amount is typical now-a-days, but it still feels like holy crap to me.

Anyways, the trip is this weekend and I can't wait to relax. Unfortunately now I'm on edge. Yesterday I get an email from one of my girl-friends who lives in downtown Portland, saying that she is looking for a hotel room for the girls flying in because she worries about our comfort in her apartment. No explanation other than "our" needs.

I'm trying not to be upset, but I'm wondering where this is coming from. I coulda sworn we asked if it was ok to stay... maybe I assumed. But you know what, I'm tired of thinking I'm at fault for everything. I have a tendency to keep my mouth shut because I hate drama, but I've already done it twice before regarding this trip. Once for the choice of weekend (neither my input nor Gorilla's was considered when the date was decided when we're the ones who have more time and expenses involved) and the other concerning a gift (for which I was told "getting together is enough"). These two things upset me, but I chose another route. I'll reschedule my weekend in the hamptons for another day and I'll pay for a gift myself, since I believe birthdays are always special days.

I immediately get on hotels.com and hotwire.com and start looking for hotels. Unfortunately I don't know Portland at all. Neither site lists proximity to public transportation. So now I start looking into public transportation. I start making educated guesses and stressing out. Sure I can get a place for $50 for one night, but I don't know where these places are.

I can't tell my parents, because they don't give a shit about drama and will start asking a billion questions and then yell at me for even going to a place like Portland in the first place.

Then Torch chimes in that she has hotel points, and I feel worse. Torch is paying for the cottage, giving Gorilla her mileage points... and now offering to pay for something else.

This is now ridiculous...

Read More

Kindness is Creepy

I think it's a northeastern thing. Actually I'm sure it is, since it's one of OleMiss's biggest complaints about the north. Women do not know how to appreciate kindness.

I didn't think I was one of them, and I vehemently denied and argued against OleMiss.

Unfortunately I am...

I work at the local gym once in a while, and there is one older gentleman who always takes a couple extra seconds when checking in to wish me a good morning, tell me it's great to see me again and thank me for telling him to have a good work-out.

The extra seconds he hangs around, my guard shoots up. After he left to go work out, I couldn't believe I had felt that way. I almost wanted to yell at him, and for what?? For being a genuinely nice guy.

I started to wonder about why I felt that way, and I guess it's because I'm just expecting that every man is hitting on me. Every man wants to get in my pants. Every man is undressing me with his eyes. I shouldn't trust guys, especially older ones. They're creepy.

Then I felt horrible... I never thought of myself as your average Boston bitch, but I guess I am afterall.

Read More

5 years later

Somehow in my drunken stupor on Friday evening I had the sense to wash the make-up off my face, but when I woke up Saturday morning the fake eyelashes were still superglued to my eyes and really uncomfortable.

I couldn't believe I wasn't hungover... ok I sorta was. I spent the day in this odd sort of haze. Druhil and I sauntered over to Newbury St for brunch/lunch at Trident, then we went to RedSox's place to hang out. That afternoon, Dru had been invited to a bbq out in Brookline and I tagged along.

The bbq was full of random Tufts people from undergrad. None were my friends, but I was happy to see them nonetheless. I also started drinking again.

We spent several hours there, one hour stuck in sox traffic and 2 hours stuck in a restaurant that couldn't handle a wedding party on the same weekend as graduation... even tho there were plenty of empty tables. (Sam, you woulda *loved* this. Snarf)

When we finally made it to Vox for the reunion, we were greeted by a line. Let me remind you that I'm not a big fan of Vox, especially because it is never packed. I found the line to be ridiculous.

Anyways, right away I knew the kid standing in front of me... except we didn't go to Tufts together. We went to high school together. So we chatted, and then the Tufts people started to pop up everywhere. I forgot I knew a lot of people from undergrad. I'm not surprised I only remembered the men.

I broke out into hives when I got upstairs. People started approaching me from every direction to hug and say hi. Many I recognized, but overall it was overwhelming and I had to run to the ladies room to calm down. I knew I partied a lot in college, but somehow I thought I always saw the same people.

Miraculously, I didn't see a single ex-sorority sister. Either they never showed or left early. Regardless, I had an amazing time. I saw all my former roommates, a bunch of ChemE's, pretty much everyone I wanted to see and then some.

RedSox met up with me, and I introduced him to everyone. There were plenty of whispers of awe as I was known as the quintessential single gal... *the* predator.

I found it all amusing... and I look forward to our next reunion... imagine 10 years later.

Read More

GLAMOROUS!

Anxiety hit it's peak Thursday night. I had a crazy weekend coming up with a big fashion event Friday and my 5 year college reunion Saturday.

DruHil was up for the weekend because of our college reunion, and she stayed with me. We talked about all the people likely coming to the reunion. I think I was more nervous about that event because I don't ever want to see people I don't like... and there was a good chance many of them would be there.

Whatever the type of reunion, I think it's safe to say we all want to look fabulous. So the Glamorous Event on Friday had to go really well because someone was going to cut my hair. Someone else was going to do my make-up. A designer had clothes for me to wear. And one of Boston's socialite's (aka Trophy wife) dabbled in jewelry and had some for me, too.

Basically I had no control over what would happen to me Friday night. It freaked me out, and I ended up drinking heavily...

I got a little sloppy, but mostly had a fabulous time... and my hair... wow I have bangs. My make-up... heavy but sexy. My dress... boobalicious.

So when it came time for my reunion Saturday, I was excited to show off my new look...

Thank You to ALL my friends who came out to support the event Friday night. I love you guys!

Read More

Quirky Genes

My first week of genetics has been pretty awesome. I have seen people with all kinds of genetic disorders. It's pretty amazing, though occasionally sad.

I love telling a woman that she does NOT have the breast cancer gene.

I love telling new parents that their baby may have tested positive for cystic fibrosis, but in reality they DON'T have the disease.

I love the symptoms some of these patients come in with, my favorite being a girl who suffered from rage anytime she ate certain foods.

I hate the sad stories, though, like REALLY hate them. Today I met the brightest, coolest 7 year-old. She likely won't live very long due to her disease. She has two parents who love her dearly, who allegedly found her in a trash can at a restaurant in Cambodia when she was a newborn.

Then there was the little boy adopted from Russia who beats people up, hurts animals, has even killed a dog. His biological mother was a drug-addicted, alcoholic prostitute who fed him vodka as a baby to shut him up and physically, verbally and even sexually abused him along with her MANY MANY other children. I know he doesn't have a genetic disorder... poor thing is just broken.

With all the good and the bad, it still seems like I will be going for genetics. I love it and I know there will only be bigger and better advancements by the time I get there.

Read More

4th and Final

Well surprise... I'm sick.

I'm hoping it's because I worked so hard studying for my Ob/Gyn exam today that I just let my immune system go... and therefore it's only fair that the universe give me an AMAZING score.

When I walked out of my exam I realized that I'm actually done with my 3rd year. The medical school doesn't allow me to say that officially, because they have their stupid rules about starting 4th year in July. (I know it's just to guarantee my tuition for an entire year).

But as far as I am concerned, I am starting my 4th year of medical school on Monday.

I wish I could say I can finally relax. The truth is next month and for 5-6 months afterwards, I will be working my tushy off to get recommendations, write a personal statement and apply to residency programs.

I'm excited, scared, nervous... but for now, I'm not gonna let my emotions get the best of me.

For now, I'll just try to get over being sick.

Read More

My picture is all wrong.

I don't mean to be a hypocrite. It's my job to provide healthcare. It's just a shame that I don't follow the american academy of *everything* guidelines myself.

Let's talk about calcium. I love milk in my cereal. I don't often eat cereal for breakfast. I love cottage cheese, but I never think to buy it. Yogurt has it's ups and downs depending on the brand. A calcium supplement would be ideal, but I don't make trips to GNC.

So when I tell a woman she needs to up her calcium to 3 servings a day when I myself don't get 3 servings per month, I wonder what's wrong with this picture.... then I had cottage cheese at lunch and a gigantic bowl of cereal at dinner.

Let's move on to self breast exams. They should be done 1 week after each menstrual cycle. It's important to feel all the tissue and be sure you know your breasts in case something one day doesn't feel quite right.

So when I teach women how to do self breast exams when I have only done one in my entire life, there's something wrong with this picture. I should probably do mine tonight since my period ended last week.

Luckily I don't smoke (anymore). I do drink quite a bit, but I need the antioxidants from the wine. I don't do any illicit drugs (anymore). I exercise regularly (woohoo for saying No to anorexia as a teenager).

I may not be perfect, but no doctor is. We just know what the guidelines say and do our best to make sure YOU follow them.

Read More

well how bout them apples

Remember my post about the family and apples?... yeah here's another supporting argument.

I'm at the Celtics playoff game last night when I feel my phone vibrate. I see it's my mom, but I let it go to message. At half-time, I listen to the message and she says, "Roxy, call me as soon as you get this."

Though she didn't sound worried, I was worried my dad kicked the bucket with another stroke. I called her right away.

mom: Roxy... I'm drrruuuunk. Can I stay with you?

Me: goodness. I'm at the Celtics game.

mom: whaaaa? So I can come now?

Me: No mom, I'm at the Celtics game.

mom: ok i'll go to the hospital and wait.

About 30 minutes go by and I get another phone call.

mom: Roxy. I'm downstairs. What should I do?

Me: go up to your office and I'll come get you.

mom: Where are you?

Me: I'm at the Celtics game.

mom: what's that?

Me: basketball. I'm coming now.

I get to the hospital about 15 minutes later.

Me: hey mom, how's it going?

mom (stumbling around her office): There was wine and then beer... and then a COGNAC tasting!!

Me: do you need water?

mom: no... I need water.

Me: ok let's go. By the way, I got a cat.

Arrive at my apartment. Sebastien greets us at the door.

Mom: you got a cat?! From where?

Me: a family

Mom: oh. So where did you get him?

Me: from a family

She then sits on the couch and pretty much falls over onto the pillow.... until the next morning.

Me: morning mom.

Mom: oh wow. I can't believe how much I drank last night. HEY! I have 2 different shoes! How did I do that??

Me: you changed into different shoes at your office.

mom: why would I do that? and they're both left shoes!

Me: because you were wasted.

mom: oh... hey where did you get the cat?

Me: from a family

mom: oh... ok I'm gonna go now.

Me: have a good day mom!


AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS WHY & HOW I ROLL....

Read More

Why I love OleMiss

If I make it to NYC for residency, I think I'll end up with OleMiss. He sure knows how to say exactly what I wanna hear.

Me: so are you a Rangers fan now or just rooting for them?

OleMiss: just rooting for them right now, probably on my way to becoming a fan

Me: not a bad team to root for. I'd end our friendship if you went for Canadiens or Devils.

OleMiss: I could never go for either of them, goes against god AND country...

I couldn't have said it better myself...

Next year should be better for my Bruins.

Read More

Introducing Sebastien!

Every since the ex-roomate moved out, I've felt a hole in my heart. It's not because I miss her, of course. I actually miss the cats... ok just Seamus... Martini was a bitch.

So I started perusing the craigslist cats section. I looked at every cat and kitten post that came up. Either people had already given away their cat or the description of the cat wasn't ideal. I wanted a boy. I wanted him to be social, intelligent, cute and cuddly... like me :)

When I met Sebastien, he came right over to say hello and stuck around to socialize. I loved him right away. The family was very nice, but sadly mom is going through a divorce. RedSox saw all the divorce stuff on her kitchen table, so I'm guessing she needs to cut some expenses.

The kids became extremely sad when they saw how much I loved Sebastien. They both started crying because they knew I was the one.

Mom told me to come get the cat when the kids weren't home, so I picked Sebastien up yesterday before school got out. He has already adjusted to my tiny apartment.

I just hope my roomate doesn't have true allergies. Though mom told me she can take him back if things don't work out, I hope I don't have to return him.

Isn't he beautiful?

Read More

The Biggest Unofficial Holiday

I was plotting my escape from work for Tuesday afternoon as early as 1 month ago. Once I figured out my schedule, I figured I could just pull the whole 'I've got a doctor's appointment' move. Classic... works.

But when I woke up Tuesday morning to the sun shining, I knew I needed to take the whole day off. I mean, come on... half of Boston was taking the day off. It is, after all, the OPENING DAY at Fenway Park!

I got up early and called in sick. I stayed up because I felt guilty. Around noontime, RedSox and I headed over to Fenway. It was a chilly day, but the excitement warmed us up. The opening ceremony with the presentation of the World Series rings was fantastic. I think I stood out because I cheered the loudest for the team doctor.

What? He gave me free tix before I started dating RedSox.


There were a ton of sports figures from Boston's past in town from the Bruins, Patriots and Celtics. They came with their colors and trophies. Once again I got looks because I cheered the loudest for Bobby Orr.

What? I love hockey players.

I think the highlight of the game was with the dropping of the World Series banners. They fell from the green monster gracefully, but 1918 dropped at the end of the wall. Where was 2004 gonna fall?

Then over all the banners, dropped the largest banner I have ever seen in my life. 2004 spanned the ENTIRE green monster. We cheered and cheered and cheered for a long time for the biggest win in sports history as far as Boston is concerned.

Then God stepped in. They dropped another gigantic banner OVER 2004 for the 2007 win. The banner was swept up by the wind. People on the field kept trying to pull it down, but the wind held it high... keeping 2004 alive. We all cheered and laughed because we felt the same ;)

So I skipped work, didn't tell anybody, let everyone think I spent the day home sick... when really I celebrated the best unofficial holiday in history.

Read More

Anger Management

When I was about 12 years old I really wanted to go to the Stone Temple Pilots concert. My mom said no, and I threw a fit. I had a bad temper growing up, but I don't remember much of it. I just remember that at this particular moment my blood boiled beyond control and I felt palpitations. The chest pain scared the crap outta me and I made the decision to change my attitude.

Over time I dropped the anger bit, choosing a "No Worries" attitude. Sure the anger would occasionally flare, but it quickly died after I took a deep breath and said, No Worries.

Yesterday with my anger about my father, I had a hard time trying to control it. When my parents picked me up for the party I acted like nothing had happened. The whole car ride to the party, he was extremely irritated, yelling at my mom for her driving, yelling at other drivers.

I've known all along that I get my temper from him, and yesterday we were both a little less in control of it. It was a little bit awkward but we all just wanted to feel normal.

Towards the end of the party I made my move. I didn't yell though. In fact I barely got any words out. I started crying almost immediately after my first sentence, and all I could say was "Please."

I went to the bathroom and got control of myself. We finished up the party and went home. Right before I got outta the car, I tried again. I started crying, but I controlled it better and got out everything I needed to say.

"Dad, I'm convinced you had a TIA. It's a baby stroke, but nonetheless it's a STROKE. You need to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes every day and take care of yourself for us. Mom needs you. Sister needs you. I need you. You do this for us. Please. I'm sorry I don't say I love you everyday but I do. Live for us."

It was tough and I hope it hit home with him. He may not be the best example of a human being, but he is a great father. He makes money grow on trees. He gives us whatever we want (after a bit of a fight). He takes care of the family.

He needs to give me many more years of No Worries or I'll be pissed.

Read More

TIA

Transient Ischemic Attack... I think my father had one last night. It's like a baby stroke. I know most kids would be freaking out, upset, crying, emotionally wrecked and flying home to be with their parents, but I'm chillin in my apartment.

For one thing I didn't even know my father went to the hospital last night, the one at the bottom of my street. Nope, no one called me because they didn't want to wake me up.

HELLO?? Did I mention I can roll down the street to the emergency room?

Second, having not known what was going on I didn't really have an opportunity to have emotions about it until I get a text this morning saying "dad is ok." wtf? My sister across the country got a call but me... 5 mins away... didn't.

I got the full history and it sounded like what happened to me when I got a mild concussion, but my dad didn't experience any head trauma. Lab work and imaging checked out... maybe a tiny infarct in the posterior cerebellum which is perfectly consistent with the story my mom gave me.

And he was sent home, which I don't like, but I can't come up with a reason for admission.

Anyways, I'm seeing my parents tonight for a party. Why would he come to a party after a possible TIA? I don't have a good answer, but I'm pretty sure he wants to feel normal and mom doesn't want to leave him alone. Since the party will be filled with doctors, I am ok with it.

I'm just hoping the calm I feel as I write this doesn't explode into anger (which hands down it will) when I discuss a diet and exercise plan along with a baby aspirin once per day and letting me come to his stress test on monday so I can read the EKGs myself.

Read More

Hairspray, Hiccups and Hefeweizen

I have a bunch of random thoughts going through my head. In case anyone was wondering, this is normal.

1. I hate getting hairspray on my face. I always think I wiped it all off, then 5 mins later I'll suddenly I feel a patch of taught skin... maybe this could be the home remedy for a face lift.

2. I think the Amanda on the Bachelor is awesome. I love that she gets the hiccups when she stresses out.

3. My cousin is going to be in Germany during the month of June and I need to convince my parents to pay for me to visit. My dad is pissed about the value of the dollar. My mom doesn't want me to travel alone. I've already pulled the birthday card for June, but tomorrow when we're drunk at a radiology party I need to get the yes.

Read More

April Fools on Labor & Delivery

Around midnight last night of my 24 hour call, the chief resident on night duty announced to everyone that it was April Fools Day.

Blimey... it's already freakin April?

There is a huge white board on the labor & delivery unit with room numbers and the names of patients in those rooms. It's been a slow couple of weeks for delivering babies, so the board is brightly white. That is until the Chief Resident and Intern decided it would be a great April Fool's joke to fill up the board with fake patients and ridiculous labor drama.

So they left the real patients on the board and filled in the other slots with ridiculous labors. I'm talking pre-term triplets, women in their 50s and 60s in labor, a full day of scheduled c-sections... just crazy and highly unlikely stuff at our hospital.

There are a total of 5 chief residents. One is on night duty. One is out for maternity leave. One is on vacation. This leaves only 2 chief residents to handle everything going on with Ob/Gyn.

The two of them walked into the Labor & Delivery unit for morning sign out and flipped out when they saw the board. They were frantically trying to divide up the OR time and consult time and every other time that they had to handle. It was pretty funny. Finally the night chief resident came out and yelled April Fools. I don't think the 2 day chiefs could have been more relieved.

Thank God I was not the butt of the joke. I think I might have cried... or at the very least experienced chest pain from a heart attack.

Read More

Cuss & Gossip

I don't like to swear. I do it, just like anyone else. It usually happens in an angry moment or it can go on continuously when drunk, but all in all I don't like it. I do love gossip, not gonna lie... but I try my darndest NOT to do it. I don't want people talking about me, so I'll do my best not to talk about others.

I don't mind, though, when others cuss... unless they sound extremely uneducated. I don't mind when others gossip because I get all the dirt.

What I'm finding is that Ob/Gyn docs drop the F bomb like it's a standard medical term and they gossip about each other like the latest US magazine.

The whole atmosphere really isn't me, yet I fit. Because I get along with just about everyone, the Ob/Gyns have taken a liking to me. Since I remain quiet, they treat me like an untainted child. It's weird, but cool.

I'm just worried that a few more weeks of this and I'll be one of them.

Read More

The Sick Cycle

I think I've mentioned I've been sick on every single rotation this year. Twice on Medicine... Three times if you count food poisoning. It's not fun, and frankly I'm tired of it.

Part of it I can't control. I'm in the freaking hospital, surrounded by sick people. I am bound to catch something.

The other part I can. I could stop biting my nails (which I'm sure is the true reason). I could eat better.

My father is convinced it's because I don't cover my neck. Since I was a child, he stressed the importance of covering one's neck. No matter how or when I got sick, the next day HE would be wearing a scarf around his neck 24/7 and boast "see... I'm not sick because I'm wearing a scarf."

This made no sense to me, and we have fought over it several times. And every time it ends up being the same argument that somehow ends in a touche when one of us has knicked the other in the shoulder.

Let's take the most recent fencing session at Easter dinner, where I'm having coughing fits left and right.

"Roxy, you know you wouldn't keep getting sick if you just covered your neck"

"Dad, you know I wouldn't keep getting sick if I wasn't in medical school."

"How would being in medical school give you food poisoning? HA"

"How would wearing a scarf have prevented food poisoning? HA! HA!"

Silence.

Then we just turned our attention back to the television.

Until next time....

Read More

Toddler Dating

I don't think my style of dating has changed since I was in nursery school now that I think about it.

Roomie's 4 year-old niece: I was sad because my boyfriend un-dated me, but another boy in my class likes me so I think he'll be my new boyfriend.

If only break-ups were this simple for everyone at any age.

Read More

Dad and the Internet

So I get this email from my father today:

Roxy,
These days employers ( Residency , Internship, Landlords ----- ) check the prospective candidates in Face Book, My Space, etc. Your picture with a bottle (Beer) is not a presentable one to a future employer. Employers prefer conservative looks and conservative dressing. Dad

So I changed my picture, one where I cropped off the champagne glass, and then replied to my father's email:

Dad,
I changed my picture, but I only look presentable when drinking.
Love, Roxy

Read More

The Apple fell straight down from the Tree

Me: Hey dad, I've been calling mom's cell but she's not picking up.

Dad: She's at a bar.

Read More

Life Can't Wait

The other night I couldn't fall asleep. I hadn't yet been able to handle a full meal. I hadn't yet worked the outpatient clinic. I couldn't keep my mind off residency and impending exams. I was freaking out about my meeting with the Dean in a couple weeks, and my headache since vomit-rama wouldn't go away.

I didn't know what to do, so I prayed. It had been a while. I prayed and begged for help, for forgiveness, for answers. I told God I was tired of everything. I hate how much 3rd year dissapoints me. I hate how difficult studying is. I hate that I'm tired all the time and can barely concentrate. I hate that I hate.

I cried, and got upset that I was crying because my lack of fluids was probably the main cause of the headache. But something happened when I let it all out. When I let myself admit my own vulnerability, my headache went away. I instantly started feeling better, and I made a decision to change my attitude. Then I fell asleep.

The next morning I felt refreshed. I checked my email as usual and saw a banner stating "Life Can't Wait." It turned out to be a contest where people enter their story about how life can't wait. I read entries about surviving divorce and abuse, living with chronic disease and never giving up on dreams.

I realized that I had my own "Life Can't Wait" moment when I cried at 2am, so I entered my own story in the contest. I talked about how much med school was weighing on me, but that I could and WOULD triumph because in the end it's not about me.

Yesterday I received an email from a woman who read my entry. She told me she was rooting for me because it was clear from my entry that I was going into medicine for the right reasons. She told me her story, which is a link to the right of my blog called Julianne's Journey. I felt further encouraged and inspired... and even more sure that genetics is right for me.

I hope in a few weeks, I will continue to feel this way. Then I can hold my head high as the dean lays down the cold truth. I wil tell her that I'll show her what I can do... and then I will do it.

Read More