A Fresh Start

I found myself rather bored this week. Pediatrics is the opposite spectrum from surgery. There is very little to do, and when I try to go see my patient in my spare time he/she is usually up in the playroom.

I come home much earlier than I'm used to. The sun is still out.

I knew this would happen, and I looked forward to this day. Yet, now that today is here I feel pretty sad.

When the boards and surgery were finally behind me, I had thought I would be hanging out with ex-roomate again. I thought we would do our Sunday Desperate Housewives nights and Wednesday Top Model nights. I figured we would have the latest season of Lost on dvd and spend the weekend in. I was hoping that things would get back on track now that I would have the time and energy and she was back in the apartment for good with the start of the new school year.

Instead, my apartment is relatively empty. No TV, no toaster, barely any food in the fridge, a large empty bedroom that needs a new occupant...

I was talking to Ruby about it because she too had a bad break-up with a friend a couple years back, and she made a good point. We'll always miss the good times, but the rough times were never worth it. I didn't have much of a rough time with ex-roomate until the end, but I do realize that a friendship with her ultimately isn't worth it.

When I got home after shopping with Ruby and Gorilla today, I started making some changes. I pulled out all the artwork I had accumulated over the years to decorate the apartment how I'd like to see it. I threw a slipcover over the loveseat to hide the damage caused by my ex-cats. I rearranged the furniture.

I have started putting things together for me, for my life. It's time for a fresh start.

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Gone for Good

When I came home and my key didn't work I remembered that the locks were getting changed, so I ran downstairs and looked in the common closet for keys. None were there. I almost freaked out, but then I just tried to open my door and it was unlocked. There was a set of keys on the stove, and the smell of fresh paint was overwhelming enough to get me high realquick.

I peeked into ex-roomate's room, unlocked and wide open, and saw painted walls, a vacuumed floor and nothing but emptiness. I didn't know if she had actually taken all her stuff or if the carpenter had thrown out whatever was left in the room.

So I gave him a call. I thanked him for changing the locks and I asked if the room was empty or if he had thrown stuff out. (Even though we're not friends anymore, I would never throw out someone else's stuff). He told me the room was empty.

PERFECT!

I took the new keys and tried them on the lock... the lock didn't turn. I tried my old keys. Nope. I tried the keys to the common front door. Nope.

I called the carpenter back to let him know that the keys don't work, and while some may think I'm paranoid (actually i'm a little drunk) I just don't want her to ever come back. I don't even want her mule of a boyfriend coming by to transport her stuff out for her.

I don't want to know that ex-roomate ever existed.

I could manage to leave my doors unlocked for a bit. As stupid as it may be, I do actually feel safe in my neighborhood... but again I don't want her coming into into my apartment. Ever.

And now that the carpenter is heading back to my place to get me the correct keys, I won't ever have to worry about her again. Ex-roomate, ex-friend, non-existent... Gone For GOOD! All I retain and hold onto is more education on what a good friend embodies.

Let's just hope I get her half of electricity for August!

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I can't screw over myself as a roomate

I've decided that I will most likely never go for a roomate situation ever again. In college, everything was fine and dandy. No fights, no worries.

But the second I moved to Boston and started living with strangers, I realized that having roomates can really suck. My first roomate was a great guy. We didn't have to hang out, but we had decent conversation and got along really well. I wasn't happy when he moved out, but I knew we weren't going to keep in touch.

My second roomate should have been my last roomate ever. She was very sweet, seemed to have her act together, rarely was around. Everything was peachy until the landlord called to say she hadn't paid rent in 2 months. I confronted her calmly, and she acted totally shocked and promised to send a check right away. When the landlord called to say the check bounced, I was worried.

Both of our names were on the lease and that meant BOTH of us were responsible for the rent. She moved out, promising to pay... she didn't. I actually had the balls to call her parents in Florida. The mother was flabbergasted, but of course nothing came of my futile attempt. My landlord is a really great and reasonable guy, so he cut the 3 months of rent owed down to $1200. Unfortunately, that came out of my pocket.

The New Yorker was my third roomate and another great guy. We got along, but never hung out and I was ok with that. I really hate his cat. When he left, I knew we'd probably only see each other in passing... and I was so thankful that cat was GONE.

When I met ex-roomate, I actually didn't like her right off the bat. She was really sweet, but I knew she was immature. I asked her to move in because I didn't want to judge her too quickly. She did a great job at getting me to like her, but little did I know she would turn out to be such a fake.

.........

I decided to switch the lock change to the end of next week. I really need to focus on ending surgery with a bang, and the last thing I want is more drama from her. She's refusing to pay her half of electricity until she sees the bill, which I already threw out. I knew she owed close to $30, so I made up a number.

My mistake when I immediately realized she would probably called NSTAR. Sure enough, the number I gave didn't match what NSTAR had for August, and if I expect her to pay I must call NSTAR to get a new bill for her to see.

F that. $30 isn't worth the hassle. I'm pissed at myself for making up a number, but I realize that the sooner ex-roomate is completely out of my apartment, the sooner I can put her into the "Does Not Exist" category of my past.

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An impossible conversation

I'm pretty quick to get over things. Dealing with what happened with ex-Roomate was like getting over a bad break-up. One week later, and I'm totally fine. I've moved on, and I just want to get my life back up and running.

I received the August electricity bill, so I sent ex-Roomate an email telling her what her half is. I don't care if she pays or not, but I still figured I'd try. I also told her that the landlord would like to paint her room in the next couple of weeks. I noticed she had left her room wide open since she was last here and I wanted to know if she planned to leave it open for the landlord.

I received no reply.

Instead I come home after a day of studying and see that the door to her room is now shut... and locked.

No communication whatsoever... just complete and immature action.

So I called the landlord. I asked him if he could change the locks this week instead of at the end of the month. His reply, "Sure I'd be happy to do that. Oh and doesn't your roomate have a lock on her door? Yeah... I'll get rid of that for you too. That's just stupid."

I guess we'll wait and see what happens, because I'm certainly done trying to communicate with an ingrate.

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We're not surprised

I spoke to quite a few people about what happened with ex-Roomate, and everyone who had met her said the same thing "what happened doesn't surprise me."

I don't get it. What did I miss?

She and I became fast friends. We had a lot of fun together. I was absorbing a lot of the good from her. She helped me admit my feelings to OleMiss. She supported my decision to try therapy. She made the best bundt cake!

Dweeb, my cousin, had to spell it out for me. She is a yes-man. She does whatever it takes to make you like her. She claims to be very open and honest, but the reality is that she will never admit her true feelings. She will tell her therapist and everyone else, but not the person with whom she has a problem.

I fell for it. Rather, I did what I always do... only see the good.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised this happened either.

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The Bitchiest Thing I have ever Done

happened Tuesday, and you all know about it.

I told Roomate that her move upset me. I told that I couldn't believe she never talked to me. I asked her for an apology.

She refused, and I went off.

After I yelled at Roomate and threw a $750 check in her face to get her out by Saturday, I immediately regretted it. I regretted yelling at her because I'm not that type of person, so I went back into her room and apologized. I told her that I felt hurt. I told her that I didn't want her to move out. All I got in response was "ok." I told her she didn't have to be out by Saturday and she could take her time moving.

I also said she could still cash that check if she wanted because I just don't care anymore.

IDIOT!!

Still heated and distraught and stressed and upset, I took action and cancelled the check.

The next day I called the bank and they told me that it takes 24 hours for a stop payment to happen, so if she cashes the check it will go through. At that point I figured if she cashes the check, I deserve it.

Lucky for me, she didn't try to cash the check until yesterday.

After a very busy day in the OR, I checked my messages. Roomate had called to say that she tried to cash the check but the bank said there was a stop-payment. Whether it is a mistake or not, she'd like me to write her a new one.

The guilt fell on me immediately. I knew that even though I told her she could take her time, she absolutely wanted to be completely moved out by the end of the day on saturday. I knew that I should have told her I put a stop payment on the check.

But that's not why I felt guilty. What made me feel the worst was the fact that despite the complete bitchiness of my move, I just don't care. I am so numb to the whole situation. My feelings had been disregarded, and my anger got the best of me. I made a dick move and I don't feel bad about it.

Roomate confronted me when I walked in the door. I told her I changed my mind and she can take her time moving out. She pretty much had a heart attack. She told me that my behavior was appalling. She is going to put a lock on her door and let the landlord know.

I told her "ok"

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The Trouble with Twins

I am a Gemini... a classic, straight-up, word for word in the horoscope Gemini. For the most part I love it, but there are always times when the twins just need to shut the f*ck up.

As you all know I have been extremely upset about my roomate situation. I was hurt and angry. I felt abandoned. I didn't understand. What went wrong?

I kept going from one extreme to the next. It's her fault. It's my fault. No way, it's her fault. Ultimately I acted on one extreme. The extreme being it's her fault. I wanted her out by the end of the day on Saturday. GONE.

She paid for September out of selfish reasons. The evil twin was 100% sure.

I hashed it out with Roomate this evening, and she is convinced she paid for September to give me time to find a roomate and reduce my stress.

Oops... says the good twin.

In the heat of my anger, the evil twin cut her a $750 check to make sure she is out by Saturday. In the despair of the aftermath, the good twin wanted to apologize.

I listened to both arguments and I came to the conclusion that what's done is done. She is moving out. I am being childish.

I apologized and told her that she could take her time.

The evil twin called me a pussy... and the evil twin is correct.

"I may be a pussy, but I am not a complete idiot", says the good twin.

I apologized AND I cancelled the check.

Both twins are happy again.

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Question

If you're roomate gives you 2 weeks notice that she is moving out September 1st but says "don't worry, I will pay for september," doesn't that mean she is paying because it is kind and the right thing to do?

I told Roomate on Sunday that I wanted to iron out some details of her move. She avoided me Sunday and Monday, so I wrote her an email asking that she leave her keys under the door when she is finished on Saturday. I also told her that her friend taking the bureau should take it by the end of the day saturday.

I get a livid phone message saying that she has the right to take her time moving out all september long because she is paying for the room. Now I can understand that point of view, but why should I assume that?

So basically I wrote a long-winded email relaying ALL of my feelings. I told her I am very uncomfortable with people coming in and out of the apartment when I am not there. I told that I asked to speak with her in person so we wouldn't have to deal with all of this by email. I told her exactly what I have been telling her all along. COMMUNICATE!

I don't understand why I am the only person asking to talk or making attempts to figure things out. I called her selfish. I called her a liar. I called her out on her "kindness."

She said that if I expect her to be gone by the end of the day on Saturday then I should give her the $750 rent that she paid. I am strongly considering it. It would be undeniably cruel, but it would guarantee my safety and MY place for september.

Thoughts?

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I can't fix it if I don't know it is broken

Roomate and I are officially ex-friends. She informed me by email today. She didn't want to say anything, but I pushed it so she told me her true feelings. She starts out by saying she has tried not to say anything but now she feels she has to.

Well that's a good start...

Bullet Points:
- I bailed on her as a friend when I started dating RedSox
- When I ask her to hang out, it's almost always when she is going to be away
- I invite her to RSVPed events last minute, making her feel like a last resort
- I am so consumed with my own world and everything happening with RedSox
- I only contact her when I want something

Some of the stuff is true. I bailed on her a few times to hang out with RedSox. I apologized and made alternate plans. She never said anything, so I thought my apology was accepted.

When I ask her to hang out, it's because I'm making an effort. I don't really know what to say, but she never said anything... so I had no idea.

I definitely have invited her to promo events last minute after having already RSVPed. I RSVP to everything whether I'm going or not. ALL of my friends know I like to be on the list just in case... and because it's just smart. I invite last minute, because I decide last minute. She never said anything, so it was news to me that she felt like a last call.

I admit to having tunnel-vision. I get consumed with one major life-altering moment at a time, be it medical school, the boards, surgery, etc. RedSox is incredibly patient and a HUGE help... the same way Roomate's boyfriend put up with her law school drama. She blew off ALL her friends and NEVER went out to social events, rarely called people back. I think we're both consumed with our own worlds, which is probably why we got along.

I do NOT only contact Roomate when I want something, unless you count me wanting to know how her first day at her internship went or how her trip to sweden was or how she is doing. Maybe she missed my instant messages wishing her well or my emails asking how things are going.

I guess it's a lesson to me and all of you who read this. If you truly care about your friend, you will tell them how you feel before it is too late. You will not let things build up. You will not let things "get out of hand and try not to say anything"... as she wrote in her email.

I told Roomate I had no idea things had elevated to the extent she conveyed in her email. I told her I wish she had told me, because then I could have worked on things and corrected them sooner.

I can't believe I sat her down last Saturday to talk and she didn't bring this stuff up. I made an effort. Unfortunately it was too late and what has broken will stay broken.

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Placate and Reciprocate, don't Berate

Just when I thought things were on the up, I had to go ahead and get slapped in the face again.

Yesterday my presentation went well. A few surgeons complimented me, and I was feeling good. My classmates and I divided up the mandatory cases and off we went. I had a couple hours before my case, so I took the time to study and "intelligently" prep for the case. You'll get the quotations in a second.

On the way down to the OR, I get a page telling me that one of the chief residents is extremely angry with me for not going to cases in the morning. I can't help but think, What the F? No other OR case was mandatory.

This chief is a total Jekyll and Hyde with us. Our first day he told us to make the most of our time, to learn and get involved in a way that works best for us. I personally told him last week that the OR doesn't work for me, and he told me that I need to find a more intelligent way to prep and get involved when I do go to the OR.

THAT IS WHAT I WAS DOING! I read up on recent studies so that I could ask the surgeon about them. IT WORKED! I had a great conversation and better learning experience during my case.

When I run into the chief later, he tells me that the OR is our #1 priority and we should be there ALL the time. So much for learning the way that works the best for me.

I'm feeling frustrated, but I guess this is the life of a third year med student and I just need to shut up and take it.

Now, while all this is going on, something else is brewing with Roomate.

My memory is shot. My priority is making sure I remember what to do at the hospital and what I have to study. So when I emailed Roomate asking her if she wanted to try a double-date or have a fondue-night this weekend, I'm expecting nothing but a positive response to my attempt at mending our friendship.

Instead I get a curt response saying, "You know I'm gone this weekend right?"

I immediately replied saying, "wow... sorry.. i need to get my head on straight.
Yes you are gone thursday evening until monday/tuesday. I apologize."

Her reply, "No, I think I have told you several times, but I get back Sunday."

Some of you might be reading this as completely harmless emailing, but I felt a very cold and rude vibe from her replies.

I emailed her back.

I told her that it was a momentary memore lapse and I just ran with my excitement about hanging out. I told her about getting berated at the hospital. I told her that I am stressed beyond belief. I told her I would appreciate a little more sensitivity towards my feelings.

I don't know what to say right now. I'm not even sure how I feel. I approached her on Saturday night about moving out and our friendship. I thought everything was cool. I made the attempt to make plans to hang out. I don't like to complain, but I feel like I am doing all the work to mend our relationship.

Honestly, I don't think she wants to be my friend. It's pretty sad and disheartening... and now I'm off to the OR with another red cheek.

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Phew!

Plenty has been resolved since the chaos of yesterday morning. My sister called and told me exactly how to do my presentation. A friend of mine who had done a similar presentation sent me his to check out. Phew!

Roomate and I had a good and long discussion last night. I initiated it because I would hate to let a great friendship of 2 years end without really knowing why. I told her what bothered me and she told me what bothered her. We both recognized our shortcomings and apologized. Now things are great and back to normal. Phew!

As for the search for a new roomate. I've decided that I don't want one. (This of course could change once Roomate leaves). For now, though, I think a good step in the direction of taking care of myself is to make sure I can actually take care of my living space. For far too long I have relied on roomates to pick up my slack, and I shouldn't do that anymore.

Let's see how this goes...

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Does my face say "slap me"?

This week ended with a hellish bang. Yesterday I was slapped with a presentation to do at grand rounds on Wednesday (a big deal that includes ALL attendings, residents, etc). I freaked out because I've never done this before, but I know it will be good practice for my oral presentation at the end of surgery... a day I wish was yesterday.

To cool off I went to the sox game with a couple of colleagues, Torch and A-train, and of course RedSox. We had a great time and once again, I was pretty drunk after one glass of wine... but I still had a second glass just to seal the deal.

RedSox left for Chicago this morning, and I went home. Just as I was about to enter my apartment building, Roomate called. I told her I was about to walk in, so I went to straight to her room.

She tells me that she's moving out at the end of the month (12 days).

I felt like I had been slapped in the face. We haven't had the best relationship since she came back from Sweden. I've been at the hospital. She has been at her internship. On the weekends I am with RedSox and she is with her boyfriend. I figured things would get better once she started back up with school.

I tried not to flip out. She told me she would pay rent until October. That's fine, but I don't have time to replace her. I asked her for help looking for a new roomate, so she agreed to come up with a CL ad but I should be the one to interview people. Great. I have one hour between coming home and going to sleep. That is exactly what I want to do with my time... especially when I need to study.

I went to my mom's office to start preparing my presentation. I called my parents and broke down. I hate crying, but I just can't take this anymore.

My parents told me not to get a new roomate or even think about it until surgery is done. If I want to live alone, I can. My mom actually wants me to live alone so she can sleepover occasionally. I felt better.

My sister called me and gave me an exact outline for my presentation. How to present, what to say, everything. Phew!

Now that I have calmed down enough to think, I can't help but still feel like I'm getting slapped in the face. There is still a long road ahead of me and my group of friends is dwindling.

I think I need an ice pack.

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3 rants a charm

My surgery rotation is intense. I spend at least 12 hours in the hospital, running around, accomplishing essentially nothing. All I do is observe or help with busy work. I mean, rotations are important but every hospital is designed to run without third year medical students.

I observed 2 mastectomies and breast resconstructions today. They were cool and gross, but standing for hours on end is a serious back killer. If I was actually performing the surgery I bet my back would be fine.

The chief residents are actually great teachers, but they have a tendency to order us around. The interns don't know what to do with us. They are the true bitches in the hierarchy, and I feel bad for them... but send us home or let us go read instead of stringing us along.

And when I'm finally dismissed for the day, exhausted, excited to go home and relax, I still practice courtesy and respect for everyone around me and keep the bitching for all of you.

This brings me to my next rant. I know some people hate it when people are walking and talking on their cell phones, but it's 2007 so deal. I'm on the phone, calling Roomate to see how her first day at her internship went, and I enter the round-a-bout door. A woman on the other side was about to get in, so I didn't push and waved her in. My plan was to push her through out of kindness and common courtesy. She refuses, so I go ahead and push my way out. As I exit, she says "why don't you stop yapping away and push through!" Normally I would have written her off, but after 13 hours running around, I was on a high so I yelled back that I was trying to be nice and push her through. I was good, though. I didn't call her a bitch.

But there is someone I am getting closer to calling a bitch, and that person happens to be Roomate. Imagine someone you consider one of your best friends goes away for a little over a month. You've barely spoken because she doesn't respond to emails or instant messages. She finally gets home. You're excited to see her, but with your ridiculous hours in say... the operating room... you really don't get the opportunity.

Imagine you put a post-it note saying Welcome Back on her door the following morning and later that day after hours of working you get a text message from your friend and it says, "Please get toilet paper. We are out."

How would that make you feel?

It made me feel awful. I know she doesn't know what my days are like, but how about a Hello?

I called her back because I hate texting and it went to voicemail. I'm not sure how my voicemail sounded, but I basically told her my schedule was ridiculous. I would try to get some toilet paper, but don't count on me.

She didn't call back. The next day when I'm on 24 hour call, I get another text telling me she's going home to start her internship and she might not be back the following weekend. I leave a friendly message wishing her good luck. Again nothing.

I tried calling again tonight and again nothing. I'm sure she is not mad at me and is just very excited to be hanging out with her boyfriend or family, but things still feel off. I was worried going into my third year I wouldn't be able to balance friends, family and work... but I know I can.

I didn't expect others would not to be able to balance me.

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The Problem with trying to please everyone

is that you just CAN'T. More than likely it will blow up at some point and you will look like the bad guy even though you were trying your darndest to make everyone happy.

Well unfortunately for me, I tried to make plans with my roomate to hang out with her before she left for her study abroad. Last week I thought we decided on Thursday since I would be going to my parents on Friday for my practice exam on Saturday. She thought we decided on Friday.

In a haste to fix everything I told her we would do lunch on Saturday, completely forgetting that RedSox was picking me up from my practice exam to go to the Sox/Yankees game. So today I ask her if we can do dinner instead. Unfortunately she already had dinner plans with her boyfriend, but the way she told me was almost like this is all my fault.

Well I felt bad, but I did try to coordinate schedules. After studying today, I checked out a condo with RedSox and he tells me that the game doesn't start until 3pm AND he has 2 extra tickets so I can invite Roomate and her boyfriend. I immediately called Roomate and left a voicemail. I didn't hear back from her, but she was home when I got home.

I told her that I left her a message and she cut me off to say that she just listened to it. Unfortunately she can't go because when I cancelled lunch plans, she went ahead and made other plans.

Again the way it was said, "well when you cancelled"... almost like "well if you hadn't screwed things up, maybe we coulda hung out."

Now I know I'm probably over-reacting, but that's why I'm writing it in my blog... because now that I've said it, I feel much better. I also realize that I should try not to please everyone when I should focus on my exam or better yet MYSELF.

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