Panic Attack!

AccountExec asked me last week if I was interested in having sex with him. I told him "of course!" but that I was unsure if he wanted to sleep with me. Up until last week, AccountExec had taken me out several times. He paid for everything. Hell, he bought me $200 boots.

But never once did he make a move or seem interested when I made a move. Yes, I went in for kisses at the ends of date nights and got the slightly turned cheek. It was awkward, annoying, confusing... but why would a guy take me out often and pay for everything and NOT be interested?

So last week when he brought up sex, I was thrown completely off guard and told him I wasn't ready that night but I would be next time.

He promptly made plans for me to go to Boulder where he lives. He picked me up yesterday, took me to a nice Italian restaurant and then back to his place.

We popped in a movie, got cozy on the futon and then of course started making out and taking off clothes. Everything was going well until he put the condom on... and went soft.

He apologized, but we continued making out and going along with foreplay. He got hard, put a condom on and entered me... and went soft.

He apologized, and I suggested that since we're well oiled with booze that maybe we should try again in the morning. Come morning, he starts massaging my back. Things heat up. He gets a condom on... and goes soft.

Last night I though it was alcohol. This morning, I'm thinking it's me. He starts profusely apologizing. He assures me it's not me.

He tells me that it's because it's the first time with me and he is having panic attacks.

I tell him it's ok... I had to do this because on the inside I was dying of laughter. I have never had a guy tell me he gets panic attacks during sex.

Well after breakfast, and plenty of Boulder sites, he asked me if I would see him again. He assured me that it will get better and I should look at this as one of the funny moments in our relationship. And of course i will...

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Second Place is first loser

One of my coworkers told me about meeting his wife. He said "you know... you kinda date the same person over and over again until one is tweaked just enough to be the one." Someone else told me that all women eventually marry their fathers.

I'm realizing that I've been dating my father over and over again, and I'm not sure the men are progressively tweaking towards becoming the one.

Almost all the men I date are leaders. CEOs, presidents, executive VPs, etc. Almost all of them put me second.

I came to this realization after I was upset earlier this week that I hadn't heard from Southie. He typically calls or texts daily and makes plans to hang out. Sunday I texted to apologize for my drunken saturday night texts. Didn't hear from him.

I texted that night. Didn't hear from him. Not a peep all day Monday. Monday night, I called. I NEVER call a man. He didn't pick up. So I finally texted and asked if he was upset with me. I know it's typically the kiss of death, but he eventually replied telling me "not at all." We had a brief text convo and he told me he'd call me tuesday.

It's now wednesday night and I finally get a text in response to one of my funny facebook messages.

I realized early on that I'd always be second to Southie's son, but he never made me feel that way. I was actually falling for him. What I'm realizing now is that I might be third... or some other number thereafter... or not anything at all anymore.

I hate the way this makes me feel, and I know it's a major reason I date the way I do and don't care for men the way I want to. It hurts too much. And thus I regress to former behavior.

As said in one of many great Pearl Jam songs, "I change by not changing at all"

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I might be in Three relationships

So I have yet to tell you about AccountExec. I wanted to before, but I was afraid of jinxing things.

AccountExec is my sugar daddy. Yup! I finally have one and he's great! He's cute. He can hold decent conversation. He takes me out to great restaurants. He bought me $200 juicy couture winter boots... I look super cute.

Now AccountExec and I had talked everything through when we met a month ago, and *this* was going to be a standard SD/SB relationship with NSA, seeing each other a couple of times a month.

again it was going to be...

AccountExec likes to see me more often than not. He plans ahead for dates and checks in sporadically in between seeing each other. He calls me sweetie via email. He has definitely fallen for me.

It's probably my fault. We haven't had sex yet.

Though I enjoying hanging out with him, I don't think we're compatible relationship-wise. But of course with my bubbly nature, smiles and flirtatious tendencies, I have successfully seduced him... accidentally.

Speaking of the Art of Seduction, the Author is currently reading that book to help him with book sales. It was fun to read excerpts together the other day as we lounged around in our PJs bantering back and forth before tearing off each other's clothes. The Author may be getting closer, but still keeping his distance.

Southie, however, is not keeping any sort of distance. He wants to hang out all the time. He'll call me on a rainy day to tell me he's gonna drive me to work. He takes care of me. He tells his friends about me. He's the first guy I've ever dated that I look at think "damn he is HOT!"

I love all three of my men for various reasons... here's to hoping I can keep all three in check.

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Relationship Therapy

I finally made an appointment with a therapist and went to see her for the first time today. I really like her. Right away I knew she was a kind soul, and as the session went on I felt she was appropriately starting and stopping me to pinpoint things I said.

I cried a lot in my session today. I don't think I've ever cried so much. I cried about work and how I'm frustrated that I have to do a year of internal medicine when I'm going for radiology. I cried about how one of my attendings could clearly sense my unhappiness and wrote it in my quarterly review. I cried because I lied to my advisor and told her I am TOTALLY interested in internal medicine.

I cried about my relationships with men... and boasted about them at the same time. I told her I've never had an orgasm with a guy but I am the master faker and no one has ever questioned it. I cried because I want to connect with someone, but I'm holding myself back due to the love of attention that many men give me.

I cried because it's ALL my parents fault. I'm in medicine because of them. I have relationship problems because of them. I love them very much, and I hate them at the same time.

My therapist pointed out that I'm a very all or nothing person. If something goes wrong, I tend to write the situation or person off completely. If something goes well, then it's the gold standard.

My homework assignment: I say things are good or bad when I should be saying they're effective or ineffective. I'm gonna try and work on that. I think my tendencies towards absolution of ALL good or ALL bad have prevented me from changing because I'm afraid of losing good things or taking on bad things.

Now I know one of my commenters on my "I don't think people like me" post asked me about my girlfriends. I love my girlfriends. I don't open up to them as much as I'd like because I'm afraid of judgement or discouragement (because sadly it has happened in the past).

And remember when I said if something goes wrong I write it off completely. Well when I vented to my girlfriends in the past, some of them responded with words I didn't think were appropriate. So I don't vent anymore because I don't think I'll get the support I need.

Maybe I'll try again, but I think that homework assignment is further down the road.

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Drunk Dialing Me

Within the past month, two of my past lovers have drunk dialed me or drunk texted me... which led to very lengthy one-sided (their side) conversations.

The first was LegalSeafoods. I broke up with him 4 years ago... FOUR YEARS! and at least once per year he drunk texts/calls to tell me he is sorry. He screwed up. He misses me. He wishes things were different. yada yada yada.

I listen. I thank him. I say goodbye.

Saturday night was OleMiss. Now it's a rarity to get drunken calls from OleMiss. Usually he rambles on about life. But this time he brought up "us." He asked me if I ever wondered what it would be like if we were in the same city. I told him there was a time that I did.

And there was. There was a time I wondered, recently... as recent as applying for residency. I wondered what would happen if I matched in NYC. I knew the job would be miserable, but I thought that maybe... just maybe it would be the boost that OleMiss and I needed to truly get to know each other and find out if we were meant to be.

He told me over the phone in his drunken state that he's pretty sure we're not meant to be. After all this time, it's clearly not in the cards for us. I know it's true. I just never admitted it. But yeah, we'll always be great friends. While single, we'll be great FWBs... but yeah.

We will never be. Though I'm certain he'll keep drunk dialing me.

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i don't think people like me

here me out

I'm super social and outgoing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE people. I'm good at patient care because I love my patients. I hate the medicine, but I love spending time with them. I also love spending time with my friends... but I have incredible anxiety about it.

I never really revealed that to anyone before.

I'm really good at superficial relationships, almost too good. But in depth... not so much. And while I think I get away with it, I'm fairly certain I don't. I don't get invited to anything that involves depth: book clubs, intimate lunches, small gatherings. I do get invited to superficial events: massive parties, house-warmings, baby showers, open bars...

It's something I've struggled with my entire life. I'm very good at hiding the hurt because the big parties come quite often, but once in a while when I'm home alone and I just wanna go out... and I don't have anyone to call...

Well yeah... it sucks.

I called my doctor the other day to ask for help with this and she gave me a number to call. I just called... they're closed until monday. That's 3 days of emptiness.

sux

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Talk Dirty to Me

Southie likes it when I talk dirty. It's fun and I've done it several times before, but there's a kicker here.

Southie likes it when I tell him about sex with other men.

Last night during sex, I told him about the first time the Author and I hooked up.

He was so turned on, it was kinda weird... but in a good way. I very much enjoyed my first time with the Author.

I'm happy there's someone else who can appreciate that.

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Sexy Meals

Yesterday the Author took me out for lunch, and then we had sex.

Yesterday Southie picked me up for an early dinner. He cooked, and then we had sex.

Two men in one day, not bad... not bad at all.

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