Relationship Therapy

I finally made an appointment with a therapist and went to see her for the first time today. I really like her. Right away I knew she was a kind soul, and as the session went on I felt she was appropriately starting and stopping me to pinpoint things I said.

I cried a lot in my session today. I don't think I've ever cried so much. I cried about work and how I'm frustrated that I have to do a year of internal medicine when I'm going for radiology. I cried about how one of my attendings could clearly sense my unhappiness and wrote it in my quarterly review. I cried because I lied to my advisor and told her I am TOTALLY interested in internal medicine.

I cried about my relationships with men... and boasted about them at the same time. I told her I've never had an orgasm with a guy but I am the master faker and no one has ever questioned it. I cried because I want to connect with someone, but I'm holding myself back due to the love of attention that many men give me.

I cried because it's ALL my parents fault. I'm in medicine because of them. I have relationship problems because of them. I love them very much, and I hate them at the same time.

My therapist pointed out that I'm a very all or nothing person. If something goes wrong, I tend to write the situation or person off completely. If something goes well, then it's the gold standard.

My homework assignment: I say things are good or bad when I should be saying they're effective or ineffective. I'm gonna try and work on that. I think my tendencies towards absolution of ALL good or ALL bad have prevented me from changing because I'm afraid of losing good things or taking on bad things.

Now I know one of my commenters on my "I don't think people like me" post asked me about my girlfriends. I love my girlfriends. I don't open up to them as much as I'd like because I'm afraid of judgement or discouragement (because sadly it has happened in the past).

And remember when I said if something goes wrong I write it off completely. Well when I vented to my girlfriends in the past, some of them responded with words I didn't think were appropriate. So I don't vent anymore because I don't think I'll get the support I need.

Maybe I'll try again, but I think that homework assignment is further down the road.