Dependent and Depressed

I love money. I love my parents money. I know they have a lot of it, and I want it. Unfortunately, my obsession with their money has caused me to lead the worst life.

Simply. I hate my life.

In order to get my parents money, I have to do what they want. It sucks. I know it sucks. And yet I still do it. I have fooled myself into believing that I gain some control when I do.

I don't. What I gain are short-term, ultimately-unsatisfying superficial things: clothes, accessories, restaurant meals.

It's starting to really crash all around me. I'm not doing well in school because as much as I love working with people, I am not passionate about medicine. I keep hoping to find my niche, to find that field that is right for me, and I keep praying to God that genetics is my niche. If it isn't, I am screwed.

But I feel like everyone of my other classmates cares about ALL of medicine and I should too. The lack of passion shows in my exam scores, in the pimping done by attendings, maybe even in my clerkship. I'll find out when I get my final surgery grade and my mid-clerkship pediatrics evaluation.

The problem is that I am dependent on my parents. I never get their money unless I do what they want... and really I never get their approval and support unless I do what they want. In fact, I am so afraid I won't get their love unless I do what they want.

And that kills me. I don't know what I want and I don't have the courage to figure it out. For to figure it out means I risk their approval, their support and possible their love.

And so I go along with life making sure I get all of that... and that is all I know how to do.