Life Can't Wait

The other night I couldn't fall asleep. I hadn't yet been able to handle a full meal. I hadn't yet worked the outpatient clinic. I couldn't keep my mind off residency and impending exams. I was freaking out about my meeting with the Dean in a couple weeks, and my headache since vomit-rama wouldn't go away.

I didn't know what to do, so I prayed. It had been a while. I prayed and begged for help, for forgiveness, for answers. I told God I was tired of everything. I hate how much 3rd year dissapoints me. I hate how difficult studying is. I hate that I'm tired all the time and can barely concentrate. I hate that I hate.

I cried, and got upset that I was crying because my lack of fluids was probably the main cause of the headache. But something happened when I let it all out. When I let myself admit my own vulnerability, my headache went away. I instantly started feeling better, and I made a decision to change my attitude. Then I fell asleep.

The next morning I felt refreshed. I checked my email as usual and saw a banner stating "Life Can't Wait." It turned out to be a contest where people enter their story about how life can't wait. I read entries about surviving divorce and abuse, living with chronic disease and never giving up on dreams.

I realized that I had my own "Life Can't Wait" moment when I cried at 2am, so I entered my own story in the contest. I talked about how much med school was weighing on me, but that I could and WOULD triumph because in the end it's not about me.

Yesterday I received an email from a woman who read my entry. She told me she was rooting for me because it was clear from my entry that I was going into medicine for the right reasons. She told me her story, which is a link to the right of my blog called Julianne's Journey. I felt further encouraged and inspired... and even more sure that genetics is right for me.

I hope in a few weeks, I will continue to feel this way. Then I can hold my head high as the dean lays down the cold truth. I wil tell her that I'll show her what I can do... and then I will do it.