O cum all ye faithful

I can't cum.

Ok that's not true. I can, but not during sex. I have faked for so long. I know it's unfair to the "penis du jour" and doesn't lead to positive results, but for a long time I didn't know what else to do.

RedSox finally asked me if I was really cumming. I told him no.

He asked me if I had ever cum. I told him no.

He wasn't happy, but he didn't get upset with me for lying. He was actually concerned as to why I didn't. He wanted to know if was him, what he could do better, all that kind of stuff.

I told him that it is me. It's my problem. The one and only time I ever had an orgasm with a guy it was somewhat traumatizing. He is going down on me, I get lost in the moment and then BAM I felt an internal explosion. All I could think was that I just had a heart attack and it felt awesome... but it scared the sh!t outta me.

I never knew what an orgasm was. We didn't learn it in sex ed... heck we grazed over it in med school. My girlfriends encouraged me to explore masturbation, but I had never tried that. I didn't know girls did that... only to find out that I'm the only woman in my crew who doesn't.

I knew I had to try, but I didn't know where to begin. I read books. They didn't help. I just couldn't touch myself. I finally found a therapist who helped me out. A few weeks with her, and I gave it shot.

Damn that bullet could buzz (still does). Even low vibrate was too much. I put it aside until my next session. Then I tried again. I kept trying until I finally allowed myself to release the glory within.

I still felt scared. I continue to feel scared. I explained to RedSox that I've still got a road block. Sex with him gets better and better, but I push his hands away during foreplay because I just can't let the flood gates open. I don't know why, but eventually I will... I know... I hope.

It was only a year ago that I gave myself my first orgasm. It was a huge hurdle, but I was determined and it happened.

Maybe a year from now I'll let RedSox give me one...