Lecturing Family

I know it's Mother's Day and I should be telling my mom how much I love her and how fabulous she is and how I'd never be the person I am today without her, but today I felt it was more important to thank my mom for all that stuff briefly and let her know how she can be better.

Stay with me... it's not cruel (entirely). It's reality.

This morning I get a phone call from Sister, "Next week when I'm in Greece with Mom and Dad, I'm going to have a talk with them."

hmmm... ooookaaayyy

"I'm going to tell them that they stress me out. They're too dramatic. I can't take their drama anymore. My dating life sucks because of them."

I've always felt badly for my sister. She is an affectionate person, and she has rarely received any affection in return. If I wanted to play with her toys, I would have to play "huggies" where she would grab me tight and hug me. I hated huggies, but I really wanted to play with her toys so I agreed.

Sister spent the first 3 years of her life in India with my grandparents while my parents established their lives and careers here in America. Ever since, she hasn't quite felt connected to them.

She and my dad get along really well. My mom and I get along really well. Cross-overs lead to clashes, but in general it is India vs. America. Now it's becoming adults vs. older adults.

Sister needs our parents' approval. She wants them to be happy for her and her decisions. She is tired that things are their way or the highway. It sucks for both of us that our achievements are expected rather than celebrated, that the guys we date are dollar signs and looks rather than compatible partners in life, that money equals control... and so much more.

I think the main issue has been that Sister and I are COMPLETE opposites in how we handle our parents... and how they handle us.

Me: I don't give a shit about what my parents have to say. I enjoy spending their money without guilt. I'm happy to do what they want when I agree with it. I cut off communication when they piss me off. They are so afraid that I'll run off and cut ties that they will pretty much succumb to all my demands. I play their game to win... and while my feelings have been hurt quite a bit, I know that they are who they are and they don't know how to be anything but themselves.

Sister: She needs their approval. She wants their advice. She tries to pay them back when they offer her money. She does EVERYTHING they tell her to whether she wants to or not. She calls every weekend. My parents know Sister depends on them, and they only leave her alone when she flips out on them.

Well... she has reached her breaking point (finally). Nothing is going to be good enough for them, and that is NOT her problem. She needs to tell them how they have made her feel. She needs to tell them what she is afraid of (they'll disown her if she disobeys, they'll stop loving her). After mom stops crying, she needs to tell them again, and again and again.

Today when I was hanging out with my mom, she brought up issues with the cousins. Apparently my cousin D wants to go to medical school through the military even though his parents will totally pay for his ride. I told my mom that D knows what he is doing. He always has and always will.

This was a perfect segway into Sister and I. I told my mom that she and dad need to trust that they have raised us very well. The decisions we make are ours to make. The advice they give us may be from their experience, but sometimes we need to make our own mistakes... and for the love of all that is holy... every guy we bring home is NOT the guy we are going to marry. She and dad may have been arranged, but Sister and I like to date around... ok I do.

My mom got defensive about the last part until I reminded her about how she cried and suffered from insomnia after she met ex-boyfriend. Check Mate.

Will things change? Unfortunately probably not, so I hope sister can understand that she needs to make better decisions in her life. Choose NOT to let mom and dad's negativity bother her. Choose not to let them stress her out. Know they will not abandon her. In the unlikely event that they do disown her, I won't!!! Half of my inheritance is hers... after I've picked through all the goodies.