Holy Shizzle

RedSox: it does scare me.... that I am responsible for the feelings for you. And you being not just somone, but someone who means such an incredible amount to me. To me, that's an awesome responsibility. One that having placed on me, as aforementioned, scares me to some degree

Me: i am so glad I did not go to Harvard

When RedSox drinks too much, he becomes incredibly articulate... ok wordy... ok he won't shut up.

Tuesday clearly was an awful day per my last post. I cried. I don't cry very often, but I broke down and let it happen in my mom's office after everyone had left for the day.

I cried because I'm scared and hate the stress. I cried because I couldn't tell my mom. I cried because the people I tried to talk to were unavailable.

I told RedSox I didn't want to hang out later that evening. I would be in a quiet mood, and that's no fun when he went to opening day at Fenway and watched the sox kick ass. He told me that he missed me and really wanted to see me. He didn't care and would pick me up at 7pm.

At 6:30, he texted he would be a late. At 8pm, he apologized because he was out for drinks with friends. At 10pm he called, but I didn't pick up.

On a normal day, I would have been Rage-Against-the-Machine pissed. Yesterday RedSox lucked out because I actually didn't want him to see me.

I didn't want him to know I could be vulnerable. I didn't want him to see the dried tears. I didn't want him to try to cheer me up or do anything. I was ashamed of my weakness.

BUT... i couldn't let him get away with being late. I harrassed him for a little bit online, but then he cut me off to apologize for not being there for me, and to tell me how he really felt. What you read above is just a snipit of our conversation.

RedSox is scared of his feelings for me. He told me he missed me so much yesterday that it overwhelmed him. It scared him that he cared so much about my absence, about my feelings, about ME. I didn't know how to respond because I feel the same way.

So I hit him with sarcasm. That's what I do. I'm almost ready to tell him how I feel, but I just need to jump over that one last hurdle of fear. I hope I can do it, because I do... I do love him.