Isolated

Social Isolation in America: Changes in Core Discussion Networks over Two Decades.

At church this morning, our pastor talked about friendship. He told us that according to the survey above, 25% of americans have no one they can confide in. I feel like I am one of those people.

I have a lot of friends, but I don't call a single one of them. I'm happy to make plans to go out, meet up for drinks, chat about sex, school, work etc... but I don't really talk about my feelings, what's going on with me. I try to avoid conversation about my life all-together.

It's my own fault I feel isolated, at least I am pretty sure I did it to myself. By constantly saying no worries, by never allowing myself to feel, by shunning emotion I have isolated myself from everyone... including myself.

It's been very easy lately. I email with friends all day long, so I pretty much get updates without meeting up. I cannot have a relaxing night because there is ALWAYS something to study, an impending exam. People are in relationships or low on cash. There are plenty of excuses.

I'm trying not to give up, but I worry I did a long time ago.

I appreciate my best friend. She really doesn't know that much about me, but she still calls. She is the only one who gets my behavior and doesn't pass judgement, but she still has no idea what my feelings are because I don't dare tell her.

I appreciate my roomate. She has a ton of her own drama to deal with, but she listens and she encourages me to improve my life.

I appreciate RedSox. He is the first guy I have dated who has not put any pressure on me to be his girlfriend or show affection or emotion. He has never been angry with me for not being vulnerable. He has never blamed me for anything.

I appreciate all my girlfriends. Although we don't really spend time together anymore or chat via any other means than email/AIM/myspace comments, I am very thankful that they keep in touch and tell me about their lives.

I am glad all of these people and more support my education and understand that I will come out when I can, stay as long as can and love them forever.