Fight or Flight

No Worries. Zen. Chill.

These are a few words people have used to describe me. I come across as someone who doesn't let trivial things piss me off, someone who goes with the flow, someone relaxed.

I am anything but relaxed. I don't have time to relax. I need things to keep moving. I expect people to pick up the pace. I demand immediate action and immediate results.

I have an incredible amount of anxiety. I can only imagine the worst. I can't help but think people don't like me. I always have my guard up.

I am in a constant state of fight-or-flight, sympathetic nerves firing away. Oops, I'll save the explanation for the board exam.

Deep down I've known this, but I have learned to ignore it and shove the anxiety aside. I've reached a point in my life where I think I'm acting one way but now others see the truth.

Only today have I been able to acknowledge my behavior. Today I opened my eyes and saw the true Roxy. I hated what I saw, and it hurt to realize that I have ignored myself for so long.

Today I will start to change. I will breath with my stomach and not my chest. I will stop running, stop being scared, stop hiding. I will listen to myself and heal.

Only when I have achieved all of this will I truly be No Worries, Zen, Chill.