I don't fear commitment. I fear Monogamy.

I didn't even realize it until I was watching the Girls Next Door. Holly was talking about her 5 year relationship with Hef. When asked why they weren't married, she made it clear that Hef is very committed to her. He just fears monogamy.

I couldn't have described myself any better.

Over the weekend I had planned to talk to Redsox, but it didn't happen. I wouldn't say I chickened out. I just didn't know what to say. If I told him "everything" what would that accomplish? If I told him nothing, what would be wrong with that? What did I even want to tell him? Did I really have something to say or was I trying to do something I think I "should" do?

In addition to being an all or nothing type of girl, I am a should/should not type of girl.

We were lying in bed saturday morning and I was thinking about what to say. I realized telling him about Vegas or NYC or any other guy would be doing what I think I should do. I wasn't afraid of what might happen if I told him, but I actually wanted to keep it private. I don't tell my friends everything, and Redsox is just a friend. What I do for fun is for me (and everyone who reads my blog).

I am not interested in an exclusive relationship. I like being friends with benefits. I like the way things are going, so why was I thinking of changing anything?

Because I think I should. I think I'm supposed to be moving along some timeline, when the reality is there is no such thing as a timelime in relationships. In fact, following a timeline is a guaranteed destructive and awful ending.

I hope I didn't dissapoint any of you. I won't be singing the blues. I also won't be in a monogamous relationship any time soon.

It scares me...