when I'm the conversation piece

When people talk about you behind your back, do you ever get enraged and say something along the lines of "they should say that to my face!!!"?

I don't.

I'd rather people talk behind my back and then smile and wave... heck even be my friend to my face. (This is probably why Los Angeles is such a refresher)

I really don't want to know what peoples' personal opinions of me are unless they bear any weight on grades and money. Why?

Well there are a couple of reasons. 1. It most likely will not inspire me to change my behavior. 2. It will really hurt my feelings, probably leading to paranoia.

Today I was sitting in the computer room looking up some stuff to present on morning rounds because I've been having a pretty crappy experience on my latest block and really wanted to impress tomorrow.

Last week, the attending completely ignored me. He even cut off a funny (medically relevant) story I was telling. This week I've been suffering from some form of laryngitis, and I'm purposefully trying NOT to talk too much because it hurts... plus overall I'm just exhausted.

But I pushed myself today. I know I haven't been an "honors" student, but I really want to be. So I looked up a ton of stuff today and I'll be making three presentations tomorrow.

I was pumping myself up in that computer room, getting really excited when I hear "So, I hear your med student sucks." This was immediately followed by a high-pitched "Oh my God she's right there!!" and subsequent uncontrollable laughter from my resident.

I didn't look up right away. I don't think it registered. Then I turned around. My resident was laughing and making some gestures towards me which I'm hoping were the "it's not true" gestures. The guy who made the comment was calmly sitting at a table writing his note.

I turned back around, choosing to focus on what I was doing. But as the day wore on, I couldn't help but wonder if my team really does think I suck.

I know I don't answer every question correctly, but sometimes I've nailed some toughies.

I wonder if they can tell how high my anxiety level is when I'm talking.

I wonder if they think I'm lazy because I'm only carrying 2 patients (when the resident told me right off the bat that she only wants me to have 2).

I wondered a lot of things... but nothing struck as strong of a chord as wondering if I suck.