Congratulations! (For what???)

Recently I was asked to be an honorary attendee at a fundraiser. I told people because I wanted to share the news of the fundraiser in hopes that they could attend or pass the word along. Most couldn't afford $250/plate or preferred to spend the money on other things, but they did offer congratulations and praise for the honor that I received.

I didn't expect the compliments and while I am appreciative, I'm still not sure how to take them... you see I don't think this is anything special.

Growing up in my household, academic achievements were expected. Other honors and achievements were disregarded. I can remember a very specific example from back in high school. Let me re-write a diary entry for you. I wrote the following on Dec. 8th, 1997 when I was 16:

*****I guess my last entry was written before I told my parents about being selected as the hostess for the Mr. Anonymous High School Contest. When mom came home, I was soooo happy, but something inside me was like, 'Are you sure you wanna tell your parents?' I couldn't think of any reason why not, so I ran downstairs all happy and gave my mom a huge hug and screamed that I was hostess!

She congratulated me, but it didn't seem real. The next thing she said was "when is this contest?" Right away I knew that I should've listened to my gut before. She was questioning the date to make sure that it didn't interfere with my SAT preparation.

I said March and she was all relieved. I went back upstairs no longer feeling so happy.

As if that wasn't bad enough, she came upstairs 5 minutes later and said, "When you came running down, I thought you got a 1600 on your PSATs."

I didn't say anything, but I was thinking 'FUCK YOU!! Everything in my fucking life revolves around the fucking SATs. DAMMIT!! Can't you support me instead of pressure me? And you ask why I don't tell you things or why I say I hate indian people. You're all the fucking same. Plenty of pressure but NO support.'

Well this incident brought me to an ultimate low. I was already lacking self-esteem because of my looks, now I just lack everything.*******

I'm not lacking everything anymore, but yeah... some things. After that incident 11 years ago, I pretty much stopped communicating with my parents. I continued to get straight A's and do the Indian thing... but really it was/is to keep them off my back.

I still share my achievements, but I'm not excited about them as much as I should be. As expected, my parents are never excited for me.

So when I told my parents about attending the fundraiser as an honorary attendee and when I asked them to come, I received an email from my dad... only.

"We will pass on the dinner."

So when you all support me, encourage me, congratulate me... please believe me when I say Thank You. I sincerely mean it.

I hope after reading this entry you can understand why I don't allow myself to get excited. Friends are amazing, but family is forever. When family doesn't care, how can I?